Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Monday, October 10, 2011
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
These realizations all stem from one cold night over a Thanksgiving holiday weekend where we sat in the car in a fast food parking lot in the middle of suburbia. Toxins ran rampant in our blood streams and we wondered if we were capable of loving anyone more than we love ourselves. Vanity isn't what I'm getting at though because it's the most selfless thing even if I can't explain how. People just romanticize the idea of themselves a whole lot more than is realistic. Then there was that other time we were in bed and he asked me to hold him for three minutes before it was time to get up. Three is such an arbitrary number and I remember smirking at the idea but I don't even think I lasted one minute before I started to get anxious and needed to get up. And then there's this practice where I can love and leave and for the most part it's not a big deal. So is it intimacy? I don't think so but you tell me. I've been called a bitch because I had an opinion. Before then was an entirely different situation where I completely lost myself and promised I would never go back to that and he could never understand. So if bitches are girls who have priorities outside their romantic relationship, then I'm okay with that.
If this doesn't make sense at all then just know I'm stringing together several situations and how they may or may not have lead to me automatically waking up at 3:30 am for a week straight. It's the shit that keeps you up at night (or in my case, gets you up); that leads to you lamenting over relics of the past and farfetched hypotheticals at the same time; that leads to you so absentminded you don't remember if you stopped for that red light; that leads to you and your fucking academic adviser crying in her office on a Wednesday.
But if "hitting rock bottom" means I have a well-paying and stable job, people who love, people to love, and food in my stomach, then this rock isn't so hard and I should just grow the fuck up.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Monday, September 5, 2011
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Monday, August 8, 2011
Friday, August 5, 2011
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Friday, July 29, 2011
The girl left like girls tend to do and we talked about missed opportunities. You texted me things you should not text a friend, especially one who is a girl, especially one who is me. It was 2am and I couldn't help but feel very alone, alone in my bed. I wanted to to be with you but you were far away and I needed to sleep.
I kept hearing my friend say, "it doesn't work out because someone always wants more."
so I keep telling myself that.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Don't fade away from me, okay? I wrote. Except it wasn't really a question. It felt more like I was talking to myself.
I get so anxious these days. My shoulders hurt. And every morning I have to crack my right elbow just to feel any kind of relief.
At the house, I would wake up before everyone else, drink two glasses of water, read every article about Rupert Murdoch, and stare at the beach.
I like having you around...it's nice to have someone to share my thoughts with. Talking to myself again.
It's kind of funny how close you feel to someone who's so far away. I wasn't sure what he was doing. To be honest, I didn't ask.
That night, I got a text back.
I've been eating and sleeping well and it's raining more than ever. The downfall of Murdoch has been wonderful to watch as he has been the proverbial boogeyman who has haunted since my childhood.
As for the rest, we are both restless. There is a language we share that few others recognize. I would be lying if I said I didn't think of you fondly, and often. The functionality of being around is a door that swings both ways.
Your thoughts are embraced wherever I exist.
The air was warm; I slept outside. The ocean is beautiful at night. They say anything about the future can be so pleasurable that sometimes we'd rather think about it than get there. I was afraid. I was afraid that next time would not be as perfect as this.
I knew that when I'd see him, he'd ask me, "How's your life?" This time I wouldn't have an answer. What happens when "How's your life?" no longer becomes relevant.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Hemingway- A Farewell to Arms
Friday, July 15, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
Regardless, I felt like a moron but made a steadfast self-resolve to never cry. I did that thing I do with my hands when I'm anxious and just hoped he'd remember this seemingly subconscious body language and know that I was sorry.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
I cleaned a fucking lot today and it felt really nice. Like somehow getting rid of clothes was like cleansing my soul or nerves or something. But anyway, I wanted to simplify my life in 2011. This summer I'm actually gonna do it.
Also, we were in LA yesterday and it was pretty perfect. I was with my best friends and didn't feel like I was going to die for the first time in a couple weeks.
p.s. How soon is too soon to start packing for a trip? 57 days and I'm excited.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Soon I could only see the red tip of his cigarette and feel his body shift closer to mine, a protective move he often assumed when we were together but more so now to share the body warmth I needed in wearing cutoff shorts and a sleeveless top. Our transition into this phase wasn't contrived or methodically acknowledged. It was the natural evolution of two people becoming completely comfortable with each other even if we didn't know what that meant. And I wanted to bury a piece of myself in him. A piece of me that wouldn't be bothered in a place where we couldn't get hurt.
The silence was interrupted with the beginnings of nature's lullabies and our own musing of getting coffee before heading home. Later we held each other for a suspicious amount of time before I got in my car and everything was quiet again.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Friday, May 6, 2011
MR. PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA, YOU ARE HAVING THE BEST WEEK EVER !!!
this week made me cry a lot and this (Mr. O's speech announcing the death of Bin Laden) was one of the reasons why. Maybe death isn't something to celebrate but seeing America happy and celebratory warmed my heart. You're embarrassing sometimes, but I like you America.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
-so i participated in a NCMO (non committal make out) high school style in a car in a jack in the box parking lot last weekend. unfortunately it will probably just stay as stated. we tried to cross the friends line. very risky and unpredictable but if the friendship is intact after said "hey let's try dating!!" then it's usually for the best. i chalk this up to being my fault of course. my "focus" on other aspects of my life leaves little leeway for frivolities of long-term dating/serious relationships, much to my mother's dismay. contrary to popular belief, being single doesn't mean you're unhappy or lonely or pining after an exboyfriend. it's actually quite the opposite and means i'd rather not act a fool and be in love and instead make money/graduate from fucking college. regardless, he looked really cute in a beanie and smelled delicious too. i'll continue with my shallow journey of getting hotter (or just hot?) (re: gym all the time, better makeup).
-it's a fact that i dislike sundays. something cool might happen tomorrow though. if it doesn't that's fine, i'll continue to dislike sundays and the world spins madly on. but if it happens, you'll read about it, i'm sure.
p.s. i'm not actually currently studying. i'm watching cspan (white house correspondence dinner, what what!) and drinking chocolate wine. i'm meeting with the NCMO at coco's at 4am. who needs anything else?
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
"no Bea, it's Aubriska." (an old nickname she's called me since infancy)
"aye, me olvide" (i forgot), she said as she patted her thick white hair.
we sat in silence for a good minute processing what this all meant before she spoke again.
"la cabeza se rompio" (my brain broke).
it's okay Bea, it's okay.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Saturday, April 23, 2011
i drank some coffee and listened to a lot of broken social scene like i was in high school again. i wondered how and where you are and if you ever got to where you wanted to.
people complain that there is no sun or heat in april in southern california on easter weekend. like, i should not be wearing a jean jacket and it shouldn’t be overcast and instead of overpriced coffee we should be getting overpriced iced coffee.
but you know what? it’s april. it’s not summer yet and broken social scene and overcast weather rather fit my mood these days.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Friday, April 8, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Saturday, March 19, 2011
1. I finally got a job. A REAL one with stable hours and one for pay, not an internship (internships are cool but come on, they don't buy my coffee). And more than that, it's a job in a field I hope to go into as a career. i. am. so. excited. abjfgbdfjg!
2. I'm done with the requirements for my pre-law degree! Hallelujah! I still have to take my senior seminar for my economics major and finish up a couple classes for the minor I picked up. But being done with crusty law books (for now) and knowing that my diploma will indeed say B.A. LAW ? awesome. high five.
but these things happened when I needed them to most. This week was brutal and lately I've been feeling off in general and the situation is Japan is really impacting me. I'm blessed.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
"No, I drew blood first."
thank god. i was having the hardest time remembering if i was fbook creeping again. i was up for 41 hours prior to last night and today my body has gone down the drain. it was possible but finally for once i wasn't and that's why i like this boy.
anyway, finals. brb.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Saturday, March 5, 2011
anyway. i'm also thinking about tattoos. i'm going tomorrow but it's difficult because there are so many things i want and i'm afraid before long my body (arms) will be filled and i'll be judged and my mom will be disappointed and i'll ruin future wedding pictures and i'll never get a real job and i'll be stuck in a hot climate and have to wear long sleeves all the time to be socially accepted and i'll spend my evenings drinking $9 wine from the bottle. it's an issue and i have 24 hours to decide the direction of my life.
i also would really like to bake some carmel sea salt brownies right now. you see, i got a kitchenaid mixer for my birthday that's begging to be used but there's homework (which i'm not even doing) and then the fact that somehow these brownies will need to be eaten and i don't want to go at it alone. of course i could make the five minute drive to gchat boy's house and share but then there's that above problem of getting dressed, leaving the comfort of my bed/online computer game competitiveness.
oh friday nights. what promises you hold, you are such a tease.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
-new friends (including freshman asking me for life advice and feeling old when it was mentioned they were born in 1992)
-attending conference workshops.
-lobbying! donning Hillary Clinton power suits everyday; feeling like a seasoned pro in the Capitol building; networking with assemblymen's interns.
-being a fan-girl all weekend to this ridiculously good looking Boalt Law/public policy Berkeley grad student ("There's probably two of you in this room who are actually interested in this." I honestly so was. and the fact that he was good looking and super smart and not an ass about his accomplishments. even better.)
-THE DRIVE UP TO SACRAMENTO! we endured rain, sleet, snow, saw a car fall off a cliff and stopped to help. I was a nervous wreck & spent the remainder of the drive being comforted by this boy I had barely met two hours ago. ("Aubrey, do you need a hug?" and so we sat in the backseat hugging.) but really, those people were so lucky to be alive and I called 911 for the second time in my life.
overall: I love activism, politics, passionate people, hotel food.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
brother: "Where have you been all weekend?"
me: "I was in Sacramento, why?"
brother: "Because you were gone for like five hundred days and you didn't tell me."
insert sentimentalism here.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Admittedly I'm guilty of a few of these back in the 8th and 9th grade years. Luckily no one uses myspace anymore and I'm in college and mature so obviously I use my macbook to store these pics of myself.
So here's the experiment: unfortunately I still have some dignity but in a perfect world I would post this.
Kissin on ya chest & I'm diggin out your stress
I wont stop till your finished
But you aint felt love till a gangsta get up in it
and then someone (most likely someone with the aforementioned toothpaste bathroom pic) would be like: "OMG, hey sexy!" ::insertnamelikesthis::
*SNL's Weekend Update had a spoof of this a couple weeks ago. An iphone ap that would automatically erase these mirror strains. genius.
**okay so it's not even just the middle school kids I babysit (which is somewhat justifiable) that have these pictures, some people I know (family members in their mid 20s, fml) take these.
***lyrics usually about friendship or endless summers or california or all of the above.
And the purpose of this experiment is to show that no one looks cute with toothpaste freckles seemingly all over their body while making the duck lip face and posting lyrics from a song that was cool in 2005.
So go ahead, I dare you to tell me I look cute in this picture or how much you relate to my favorite derogatory rap lyrics and you better double "like" it. We all know you're lying anyway.