i'm sorry we lied.

After months of trial, I've come to the conclusion that "out of sight, out of mind" isn't completely fool proof. It always hurts most when B asks my feelings about such after we've had a glass or two. (He's such a punk for knowing I'll always fall for it) But it's true. I miss you most in those dumb moments I'm dying to tell someone my latest news. B fills a void but watching youtube videos and sharing a couple tacos isn't the same. B understands and says it's because "out of sight, out of mind" doesn't change the insides of your heart.

"We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves."

on changing the trajectory of your life.

There came a point where I was staring cold hard reality in the face and I couldn't avoid anything any longer. I know of kids my age who became jaded and complacent and I guess I'm lucky in that I've realized my life is passing me by long before it's beginning to happen. We lie awake at night and wonder how young can you be to die from old age. But it's strange to have to do a complete 180 or get a bird's eye view of your life and everything you do and everything you think and how it may all be wrong.
These realizations all stem from one cold night over a Thanksgiving holiday weekend where we sat in the car in a fast food parking lot in the middle of suburbia. Toxins ran rampant in our blood streams and we wondered if we were capable of loving anyone more than we love ourselves. Vanity isn't what I'm getting at though because it's the most selfless thing even if I can't explain how. People just romanticize the idea of themselves a whole lot more than is realistic. Then there was that other time we were in bed and he asked me to hold him for three minutes before it was time to get up. Three is such an arbitrary number and I remember smirking at the idea but I don't even think I lasted one minute before I started to get anxious and needed to get up. And then there's this practice where I can love and leave and for the most part it's not a big deal. So is it intimacy? I don't think so but you tell me. I've been called a bitch because I had an opinion. Before then was an entirely different situation where I completely lost myself and promised I would never go back to that and he could never understand. So if bitches are girls who have priorities outside their romantic relationship, then I'm okay with that.

If this doesn't make sense at all then just know I'm stringing together several situations and how they may or may not have lead to me automatically waking up at 3:30 am for a week straight. It's the shit that keeps you up at night (or in my case, gets you up); that leads to you lamenting over relics of the past and farfetched hypotheticals at the same time; that leads to you so absentminded you don't remember if you stopped for that red light; that leads to you and your fucking academic adviser crying in her office on a Wednesday.

But if "hitting rock bottom" means I have a well-paying and stable job, people who love, people to love, and food in my stomach, then this rock isn't so hard and I should just grow the fuck up.

thinking about.

i'm going to get my life together tonight, i get too invested in work but i like it here, the solution to drinking too much coffee is to drink more coffee, the solution to being sore from yoga is to do more yoga, i left a piece of my heart in minnesota and the rest is breaking a little more each day, i can't wait to eat thai food tomorrow, current obsessions include u.s. open and ny fashion week, i might never get tired of listening to phoenix, i want to wear a cable knit sweater and drink seasonal lattes, for now i'll wear a tank top and eat pumpkin pie in the 85 degree sun.

cheap thrills.

loving each other unprotectedly and lounging in the sun unprotectedly.
"i don't know if we should be doing this."
"it's ok Aub. we just live faster than some people."

10,000 lakes and a lotta love.

It was so funny to meet all these people I share blood with. To see what I've been missing for twenty-one years; the good and the bad. "You're so brave" they all kept saying but really, I didn't think about it. And my cousin G and how I am so in love with his life, with him, with his home, and with his friends. A group of hard working guys who are the least pretentious, most attentive and wonderful people I've ever met. I've always been sort of a guy's girl but now I kind of want to go back and be ridiculous with them forever.

aug. 7-13

a lot of sentimental moments and tears in the shower. stupid, stupid mistakes that are humorous only in retrospect. another year makes five. i lost your grandmother's ring and was probably more upset about that than i ever i was about losing you. i'm breathing your air for the next couple days and hugging my dad every chance i get.

fresh header

1. tribute to (one of) my hero, carly simon.
2. miss late nights listening to this with partner in crime.
3. self-evident.
4. irony.

your cell phone "favorites" and how i couldn't explain why.

You had me thinking about time and space and it all made me very sad and I couldn't explain why. I stumbled around Berkeley with whiskey in my blood and tears streaming down my face. You mustn't run from the truth in front of you, I remember thinking. I passed a drifter who asked if I was a mugger. I shook my head and asked if he was. He said no and we continued on our intersecting journeys of solitude. A friend once told me how he was able to eliminate people from his life once he felt like they couldn't contribute to his growth anymore. I had thought he was the most selfish person in the world but suddenly I was thinking he was on to something. I was thinking it would be so much easier if we just quit now, if we stopped pretending nothing was happening, if we stopped pretending like I wasn't going to miss you when you're gone. But I looked at you that night and saw almost seven years. Looks from across a crowded room and knowing. Key words and sideways smiles. Gestures reserved for only each other. Hours and hours, just the two of us. Your tendencies. Another friend told me whiskey makes men confrontational. Naturally, I was the complete opposite and didn't care regardless. You admitted I was number two favorites in your phone. Number two if anything went wrong. Number two if anything went right. It was jubilant yet heart breaking and I couldn't explain why. I guess I didn't need to. My baby cousin was sick at the house. I didn't have a key. It was late and the fog was getting thick. I thought about calling you. Habits. I'll have so many habits to break next year.

everybody yelled surprise, i wasn't surprised.

They show you a place in your head where you remember why we were never meant to be alone. And you try and act surprised.

the teases. (because you won't remember this tomorrow)

You texted after midnight about some girl. I told you to "get it" because that's what friends do. We are not dating but we certainly are not just friends. We are blurred lines seen through rose-colored glasses.
The girl left like girls tend to do and we talked about missed opportunities. You texted me things you should not text a friend, especially one who is a girl, especially one who is me. It was 2am and I couldn't help but feel very alone, alone in my bed. I wanted to to be with you but you were far away and I needed to sleep.
I kept hearing my friend say, "it doesn't work out because someone always wants more."

so I keep telling myself that.

how's your life?

I sat on a friend's patio at the beach exchanging love letters with someone who was very far away.

Don't fade away from me, okay? I wrote. Except it wasn't really a question. It felt more like I was talking to myself.

I get so anxious these days. My shoulders hurt. And every morning I have to crack my right elbow just to feel any kind of relief.

At the house, I would wake up before everyone else, drink two glasses of water, read every article about Rupert Murdoch, and stare at the beach.

I like having you around...it's nice to have someone to share my thoughts with. Talking to myself again.

It's kind of funny how close you feel to someone who's so far away. I wasn't sure what he was doing. To be honest, I didn't ask.

That night, I got a text back.

I've been eating and sleeping well and it's raining more than ever. The downfall of Murdoch has been wonderful to watch as he has been the proverbial boogeyman who has haunted since my childhood.
As for the rest, we are both restless. There is a language we share that few others recognize. I would be lying if I said I didn't think of you fondly, and often. The functionality of being around is a door that swings both ways.
Your thoughts are embraced wherever I exist.

The air was warm; I slept outside. The ocean is beautiful at night. They say anything about the future can be so pleasurable that sometimes we'd rather think about it than get there. I was afraid. I was afraid that next time would not be as perfect as this.

I knew that when I'd see him, he'd ask me, "How's your life?" This time I wouldn't have an answer. What happens when "How's your life?" no longer becomes relevant.

one day i'll explain how this was the best text i've ever received from you:

"i told you i wouldn't."

happy birthday to a dead author i love more than is probably healthy.

“Often a man wishes to be alone and a girl wishes to be alone too and if they love each other they are jealous of that in each other, but I can truly say we never felt that. We could feel alone when we were together, alone against the others … But we were never lonely and never afraid when we were together. I know that the night is not the same as the day: that all things are different, that the things of the night cannot be explained in the day, because they do not then exist, and the night can be a dreadful time for lonely people once their loneliness has started. But with Catherine there was almost no difference in the night except that it was an even better time.”

Hemingway- A Farewell to Arms

it is not pyrosis you're feeling.

the funny thing about being being non-committal is that you have absolutely no right to be jealous of girls who will probably get what you're too stubborn to allow.

it's these preconceived notions.

It took all I had not to start crying. It was like disappointing him could be the biggest offence I would make in my life and I couldn't exactly explain why. I guess it just sucks when you feel like you are the cause of all your problems. But it sucks even more when you know precisely what you want but you know you may not get it, or if you do it will be in some months (years?).
Regardless, I felt like a moron but made a steadfast self-resolve to never cry. I did that thing I do with my hands when I'm anxious and just hoped he'd remember this seemingly subconscious body language and know that I was sorry.

neurosis.

She told me that I need to find what makes me happy, what makes me calm and stick at it. That I need to manually remind myself that i'm doing "such and such" to make myself better. I came up with this list:
1. yoga
2. cleaning

I cleaned a fucking lot today and it felt really nice. Like somehow getting rid of clothes was like cleansing my soul or nerves or something. But anyway, I wanted to simplify my life in 2011. This summer I'm actually gonna do it.

Also, we were in LA yesterday and it was pretty perfect. I was with my best friends and didn't feel like I was going to die for the first time in a couple weeks.

p.s. How soon is too soon to start packing for a trip? 57 days and I'm excited.

i thought it was like magic.

It was nearly dusk when we met at the "spot" like we had done so many times before. We sat shoulder-to-shoulder with our legs dangling off the edge. The sun's dance was especially poignant that evening and I remember thinking that if I had any beliefs in a deity, this was his manifestation right then. Summer was in full force now, bringing with it the sunsets that make you wonder about the people who were here hundreds of years ago, watching the same glowing orange sun go down.

Soon I could only see the red tip of his cigarette and feel his body shift closer to mine, a protective move he often assumed when we were together but more so now to share the body warmth I needed in wearing cutoff shorts and a sleeveless top. Our transition into this phase wasn't contrived or methodically acknowledged. It was the natural evolution of two people becoming completely comfortable with each other even if we didn't know what that meant. And I wanted to bury a piece of myself in him. A piece of me that wouldn't be bothered in a place where we couldn't get hurt.

The silence was interrupted with the beginnings of nature's lullabies and our own musing of getting coffee before heading home. Later we held each other for a suspicious amount of time before I got in my car and everything was quiet again.

i started a law blog.

http://aubloblawslawblog.tumblr.com/

check it out.

best week ever.

Does anyone remember that VH1 show, "Best Week Ever"? I used to watch it all the time in 8-9th grade. Anyway, at the end they would always announce who or what was having the best week ever. If that show was still alive it might go like this:
MR. PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA, YOU ARE HAVING THE BEST WEEK EVER !!!

this week made me cry a lot and this (Mr. O's speech announcing the death of Bin Laden) was one of the reasons why. Maybe death isn't something to celebrate but seeing America happy and celebratory warmed my heart. You're embarrassing sometimes, but I like you America.

11:21 on A SATURDAY

Saturday night and I'm studying. again. my weekends have recurring themes and i'm strangely okay/immune to this. tomatoes, tomahtoes.

-so i participated in a NCMO (non committal make out) high school style in a car in a jack in the box parking lot last weekend. unfortunately it will probably just stay as stated. we tried to cross the friends line. very risky and unpredictable but if the friendship is intact after said "hey let's try dating!!" then it's usually for the best. i chalk this up to being my fault of course. my "focus" on other aspects of my life leaves little leeway for frivolities of long-term dating/serious relationships, much to my mother's dismay. contrary to popular belief, being single doesn't mean you're unhappy or lonely or pining after an exboyfriend. it's actually quite the opposite and means i'd rather not act a fool and be in love and instead make money/graduate from fucking college. regardless, he looked really cute in a beanie and smelled delicious too. i'll continue with my shallow journey of getting hotter (or just hot?) (re: gym all the time, better makeup).
-it's a fact that i dislike sundays. something cool might happen tomorrow though. if it doesn't that's fine, i'll continue to dislike sundays and the world spins madly on. but if it happens, you'll read about it, i'm sure.

p.s. i'm not actually currently studying. i'm watching cspan (white house correspondence dinner, what what!) and drinking chocolate wine. i'm meeting with the NCMO at coco's at 4am. who needs anything else?

when you can do nothing but watch as your own heart breaks on a front porch.

we were sitting on the porch holding hands when she asked me my name for the third time in an hour.
"pamela?"
"no Bea, it's Aubriska." (an old nickname she's called me since infancy)
"aye, me olvide" (i forgot), she said as she patted her thick white hair.

we sat in silence for a good minute processing what this all meant before she spoke again.
"la cabeza se rompio" (my brain broke).

it's okay Bea, it's okay.

the mountain.

The Mountain from Terje Sorgjerd on Vimeo.

we get so detached from reality we wonder how this could even be real. regardless of your beliefs, notice the beauty of today. it's real.

religious observance begs sabbatical.

today is saturday and i spent three hours early this morning getting a very expensive hair cut. i’m mildly convinced it cost so much because he spent forty minutes alone trying to detangle my hair. don’t worry, we tamed that bitch. and talked about coachella (obviously), thai and mexican food and how we could eat it every day, and 90s shows like catdog and bobby’s world.

i drank some coffee and listened to a lot of broken social scene like i was in high school again. i wondered how and where you are and if you ever got to where you wanted to.

people complain that there is no sun or heat in april in southern california on easter weekend. like, i should not be wearing a jean jacket and it shouldn’t be overcast and instead of overpriced coffee we should be getting overpriced iced coffee.

but you know what? it’s april. it’s not summer yet and broken social scene and overcast weather rather fit my mood these days.

i've got the blues.

coacheldepression

-noun psychiatry. a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal experienced after Coachella; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason other than Coachella.

symptoms include but are no limited to:

-swollen/buffy/bruised/tender/achy feet. this may require the patient to wear running shoes/a supportive "sneaker" several days post-Coachella Festival.

-absurd tan lines. it's almost as if the sun laughed at any meager attempt to apply or reapply sunscreen.

-the feeling of hopelessness when one's life is not dictated by 50-minute increments. "what do you mean I don't have to decide which band to 'sacrifice' in order to see another?!"

-the foreign concept of the following: running water, soap, cool/temperate climates, mattresses, non-dirty feet.

-economic shock. inflation in real life isn't so bad. morning coffee doesn't have to cost $3-5. a quesadilla doesn't really cost $7.

-the emptiness of not seeing Shaun White ten feet in front of you in lecture/everyday life.

-the realization that Julian Casablancas will not be drunk rambling between Strokes songs on your ipod.

so in short, i'm suffering. this is a real disease.

coachella 2012 countdown: 364 days.

would you call the earth an asshole for turning round and round?

It's the familiar sinking feeling one gets in realizing how bittersweet life is and how its contradictions might never manifest into substantial concepts.

Like most people I have trouble with mortality. Frankly the objectivism and untimeliness just makes me angry.

Do you remember the first time you were able to conceptualize death as a child? I do and even then my analytical brain refused to take its definition at face value. And I remember my mom explained Heaven to me as everything pretty and nothing I didn't like. My dad and I tended a rose garden at the time and I imagined a heaven where bees didn't exist to bother my flowers and my roses had no thorns. My mom told me I would have that and more.

But I hated not knowing what comes next. The not having something finite or tangible to grasp onto. Faith is supposed to compensate for this lacking but what if one does not know what to have faith in to begin with? What if having faith in faith will never be enough?

So I choose not to think about it lest I fall into cyclical phases of nihilism where getting out of my bed never seems worth anything.

Finding the answers to these mysteries will always seem fruitless to me but that's where I am right now and I'm really struggling to understand any of it.

thoughts as of 8:50pm on a Tuesday

-the general population gives weird attention/respect to individuals who wear business attire. i don't like this kind of attention ("power" suit actually has context behind it). this is just my uniform everyday (as of last week, haha) and it makes getting dressed more efficient but i got my blazer at jc penny's. i'm not power trippin.

-average law school debt= $89 thou and some change. insert hyperventilation here/i hope the world ends in 2012 so everything's insignificant in the LR.

-thumbs up to my Africa econ class. a subject that's not (entirely) euro-centric is refreshing. plus my professor's wife is a diplomat. guess who's going to office hours every session? this girl.

-my obsession with Drake? getting ridiculous. i woke up spooning my laptop which had frozen during one of his music videos which i had began watching & fell asleep to somewhere in 3am.

-coachella. 9 days. come sooner/quicker. i'm dying for you.

-you will never regret waking up early to leave your warm bed to go run in the cold. you will never be pissed off after going to a yoga class. you will never regret a workout. with that being said...

2005 called. it wants its pants back.

I wore these today. no big deal. They remind me of 2005 though. These were really cool in 2005. Lately I've been into categorizing things by timeframe, preferably year. It all started last summer when Best Friend and I were driving through god knows where Central California looking for a gas station. We were in this tiny town and he mentioned it looked like 2006. It totally made sense. Some things just look like a year.

So anyway, 2005 has been my favorite reference lately. I think 2005 was a good year for me. I met my future first boyfriend (though we didn't start dating til 2007. took it slow, duh) and I took the picture for my license that is still on my license. Generally, I thought I was badass in 2005. But back to these pants. They are 2005 but also really appropriate for days like this; e.g. when it's warm outside but freezing inside classrooms. Great ventilation system, 2005 pants. (and don't worry, I'll do my laundry so I don't ever have to wear these again)

p.s. That awkward moment when a guy texts that he "needs you" and of course he doesn't know it but he might be your secret crush and you revert to what the 2005 you would have done and take it out of context and assume, ohmygodomg he might 'like like' me? That happened today.

p.p.s. Spring break is over and I'm bummed. I didn't really do much yet I was busy the whole time. hate that.

p.p.p.s. I love all my classes and have a girl crush on my woman professor. I'm adding her to the role model list.

p.p.p.p.s. I also love work. My boss(es) raises guinea pigs, makes drinking references, encourages snack time. Of course we're going to get along.

karma is only a bitch when you're one.

Ridiculously great things that happened today:
1. I finally got a job. A REAL one with stable hours and one for pay, not an internship (internships are cool but come on, they don't buy my coffee). And more than that, it's a job in a field I hope to go into as a career. i. am. so. excited. abjfgbdfjg!

2. I'm done with the requirements for my pre-law degree! Hallelujah! I still have to take my senior seminar for my economics major and finish up a couple classes for the minor I picked up. But being done with crusty law books (for now) and knowing that my diploma will indeed say B.A. LAW ? awesome. high five.

but these things happened when I needed them to most. This week was brutal and lately I've been feeling off in general and the situation is Japan is really impacting me. I'm blessed.

delusion.

"Oh no, did I poke you first and can't remember? Because that would be awkward..."
"No, I drew blood first."

thank god. i was having the hardest time remembering if i was fbook creeping again. i was up for 41 hours prior to last night and today my body has gone down the drain. it was possible but finally for once i wasn't and that's why i like this boy.

anyway, finals. brb.

you know who's looking fine tonight? seth mosakowski.

1. "Aubrey, wanna come over and put fake mustaches on and take pictures of ourselves?" is that even a question? So we did that the other night until 4am when we decided to go to the gym. Woo college.

2. Have you ever been walking and see a cute guy ahead but it's hot outside and you're in a rush so you might be sweaty but rather than risk it, you detour to avoid him? No? Maybe that's just me.

3. Let's talk about gas. No, saying that you (hypothetical person, not YOU exclusively) are attending "no gas on March 14th" or whatever isn't going to change anything. Not buying gas for one day doesn't change the long run supply & demand, or even short run for that matter, it doesn't change instability in the Middle East. If anything, OPEC is going to log into Fbook and laugh at all the people who are "attending" a fake event. It's macroeconomics baby.

edit 3.12: I just marked that I'm "attending"No Lamborghini Day! in which we will all not buy a Lambo for a day in order to get the price down so then we can all afford one. lol I love econ majors.

4. I was really sad today for Japan. Since when did natural disasters become political? "This earthquake was probably a Republican but since Japan has universal health care, I'm not so sure we can help them..." No one actually said that but Fox news was on and their discussion was in the same genre of ridiculous.

And how news programs are compelled to create sensationalist titles for everything. My favorite is always STORM WATCH 2011 (or insert year) but this DISASTER IN THE PACIFIC is a close second.

Also, it was mentioned that Pres Obama was woken up at 4am and told of the disaster. I really want to know whose job it is to wake him because that can be a pretty awkward situation, going into his private bedroom, Michelle asleep in the same bed.

"Barack, wake up. There's 'Disaster in the Pacific.'"

and if he's like any normal person it will take him a minute to register. (and if he's like me there are granola bar wrappers in his bed because he's a sleep-walking-eater.) "What? oh okay." goes back to sleep.

"No, B-man, you should really get up and talk to some people. Hillary's on her way."

because in my perfect world, Hillary is always saving the day. but really, it seems like the wake-upper position should be a lowly intern's job. If so, sign me up.

the preservation of my soul.

i'm giving up the following, all of which are near and dear to my heart, for Lent.

-refined sugar

-gum

-purchases (anything other than food...food that is not included in the above)

see you in 40 days Arizona iced tea, Doublemint and Target.

lol, so tonight.

ideally i'm doing homework. papers, primary law sources from the middle ages, reviewing chapter after chapter of mac theory. but realistically this hasn't happened yet. i have about 500 tabs open, most of which are shopping websites because i find such satisfaction in filling online shopping carts only to freak out and close everything later on. i'm gchatting with a boy and we always make plans but they never happen because we're both kind of too lazy to get dressed for the public world and instead challenge each other at word womp or typingtutor. oh, and i'm drinking wine because i don't know what else to do.
anyway. i'm also thinking about tattoos. i'm going tomorrow but it's difficult because there are so many things i want and i'm afraid before long my body (arms) will be filled and i'll be judged and my mom will be disappointed and i'll ruin future wedding pictures and i'll never get a real job and i'll be stuck in a hot climate and have to wear long sleeves all the time to be socially accepted and i'll spend my evenings drinking $9 wine from the bottle. it's an issue and i have 24 hours to decide the direction of my life.
i also would really like to bake some carmel sea salt brownies right now. you see, i got a kitchenaid mixer for my birthday that's begging to be used but there's homework (which i'm not even doing) and then the fact that somehow these brownies will need to be eaten and i don't want to go at it alone. of course i could make the five minute drive to gchat boy's house and share but then there's that above problem of getting dressed, leaving the comfort of my bed/online computer game competitiveness.

oh friday nights. what promises you hold, you are such a tease.

p.s. In case you were wondering, I'm completely obsessed with Adele's "21." If you've ever been a sufferer of a broken heart you will relate. but even if you haven't you can appreciate because this girl has some pipes.

stormin' the capitol.

Last weekend I attended the UCSA student lobby conference as a delegate from my campus for the second year.

[with a couple of my freshman babies in the debriefing room. waiting.]

Highlights include:
-new friends (including freshman asking me for life advice and feeling old when it was mentioned they were born in 1992)
-attending conference workshops.
-lobbying! donning Hillary Clinton power suits everyday; feeling like a seasoned pro in the Capitol building; networking with assemblymen's interns.
-being a fan-girl all weekend to this ridiculously good looking Boalt Law/public policy Berkeley grad student ("There's probably two of you in this room who are actually interested in this." I honestly so was. and the fact that he was good looking and super smart and not an ass about his accomplishments. even better.)

honorable mentions:
-THE DRIVE UP TO SACRAMENTO! we endured rain, sleet, snow, saw a car fall off a cliff and stopped to help. I was a nervous wreck & spent the remainder of the drive being comforted by this boy I had barely met two hours ago. ("Aubrey, do you need a hug?" and so we sat in the backseat hugging.) but really, those people were so lucky to be alive and I called 911 for the second time in my life.

overall: I love activism, politics, passionate people, hotel food.

i don't call him apple head anymore.

evidence that a lot has changed since I was nine and he was five-years-old.

brother: "Where have you been all weekend?"
me: "I was in Sacramento, why?"
brother: "Because you were gone for like five hundred days and you didn't tell me."

insert sentimentalism here.

macbook is the new facebook is the new myspace: a social experiment.

This is dedicated to the resurgence of the iconic "bathroom cell phone pic."* You know the ones where you can see toothpaste splattered on the mirror and a dirty bleach stained towel hanging in the background?** Yeah, I love those. And when there are song lyrics posted as the caption?*** Even better. And inevitable the picture subject's friend will comment either one of the two things: 1. "Looking cute!" 2. "Omg, you're so pretty."
Admittedly I'm guilty of a few of these back in the 8th and 9th grade years. Luckily no one uses myspace anymore and I'm in college and mature so obviously I use my macbook to store these pics of myself.
So here's the experiment: unfortunately I still have some dignity but in a perfect world I would post this.

Kissin on ya chest & I'm diggin out your stress

I wont stop till your finished

But you aint felt love till a gangsta get up in it

Dream

and then someone (most likely someone with the aforementioned toothpaste bathroom pic) would be like: "OMG, hey sexy!" ::insertnamelikesthis::

*SNL's Weekend Update had a spoof of this a couple weeks ago. An iphone ap that would automatically erase these mirror strains. genius.

**okay so it's not even just the middle school kids I babysit (which is somewhat justifiable) that have these pictures, some people I know (family members in their mid 20s, fml) take these.

***lyrics usually about friendship or endless summers or california or all of the above.

And the purpose of this experiment is to show that no one looks cute with toothpaste freckles seemingly all over their body while making the duck lip face and posting lyrics from a song that was cool in 2005.

So go ahead, I dare you to tell me I look cute in this picture or how much you relate to my favorite derogatory rap lyrics and you better double "like" it. We all know you're lying anyway.

the great ring incident of 2011.

Also known as, how a ring got stuck on my big ass finger for approximately 50 hours.

For my night out on the town on Saturday I wore my most recent Forever 21 purchase and newly favorite ring, this silver and faux turquoise ring that actually looks like it cost more than I paid for. It fit perfectly on my middle finger but after a night of festivities, I couldn't get it off all day yesterday. I wanted to go get a manicure because that would be a perfect gentle activity my post-21 year old body could handle. Somewhat annoyingly they make you take off all your jewelry but I'm a big jewelry person and there are two small rings I never take off and I always wear my purple Silly Band and a friendship bracelet. Anyway, I tried soap and water and bunch of other creative techniques from the "How to remove a ring from a swollen finger" ehow.com page. No such luck. I went to sleep thinking it would come off the next morning because morning is when the body retains the least amount of water. Well I woke up around 4:30am because I could feel it throbbing. I dunked it in ice water, took some ibuprofen but 30 mins later it was still as swollen as ever and the ring was going no where. Enter the help of my dad. He's a former paramedic/current firefighter and deals with idiotic people and their similar accidents all the time. He attempts to saw the ring off my finger. Yes, saw. with a hack saw. It makes a shallow indent but the metal is too thick, the blade too dull, we'd be there all day. "Get dressed, we're going to the fire station," dad says and so I obey and get out of my floral night gown.

We're ringing the door bell at the station a little after 5. A sleepy fireman seemingly unfazed by having to deal with a girl with a ring stuck on her finger lets us in. It was more about the reunion between him and my dad who hadn't seen each other in awhile. It was cute to see my dad in his natural habitat. Dad: "Whoa, did you guys get a new fire engine?" Him: "Yeah, it's the Nimbus 2000!!" Just kidding, but was the Something-500.

Flashing forward almost an hour later and two firemen, three different ring cutters, a saw, some pliers, PUTTING MY HAND IN A VICE, a screw driver, me wanting to cry but instead sweating, a small cut and a big bruise later and my finger was free and my ring was split in half. Hallelujah.

Lessons learned from this story:

-don't drink and jewelry

-Chinese metal craftsmanship is on par. That sucker was indestructible, no wonder China is emerging as a top super power.

-Daddy knows best. (and that sounds creepy)

and that's my post-tragedy swollen hand! note the middle finger. thank goodness amputation was not involved. also, and somewhat unfortunately, I still had time to drive back to school for my 8am. I had really wanted to have my dad write a letter...."Dear professor, please excuse Aubrey from college as her finger was swollen with a ring stuck on it..."

do you remember when 21 years was old?

I partly really love my birthday because I can always equate the age number with some song lyric. And so I get excited about "my song" and want to sing it all the time when it's finally February 12. The above is Phoenix and pasts include age 18, "Barely Legal" by the Strokes and ages 16 and 19 definitely had one too, I just can't remember.

Speaking of can't remember, there's a lot about last night I can't remember. Here's a blotchy recollection of what I do but in between sips of Costco brand gatorade all day today I would remember something random and it made me laugh.

In keeping with the tradition of the past four years or so, Best Friend texted me right at midnight just as a couple friends and I sprinted into the sketchiest bar in town. The bartender took a double take at my ID, looked at me, looked at his watch and said, "Oh well happy birthday!" It was official, it was 12:03.

The thing about drinking with boys is that they expect you to drink like a boy. "Tonight we have to make it to five bars!!!" Sorry brah, not going to happen. After three bars and three really strong man drinks, we settled for oatmeal at the nearest diner and I woke up in a parked car at 4am.

Fast forward a couple hours and I was in a car again headed toward LA with some of my best/closest friends. We ate at Grub (owned by a Top Chef contestant!) which was delicious, quaint, vegetarian friendly and really really good. After a 'Big Ass Ice Cream Sandwich' with a "4" candle on top we were set.

After that we met up with another friend at her friend's apartment and partook in some pre-bar hop drinks and gangster rap music videos. A grumpy taxi driver picked us up and we were off to bars in West Hollywood.

From here I'm not even going to try a play-by-play. I spent a lot of time in this one bar where I made friends with this guy who was also celebrating his birthday and whose mom's birthday was the next day. We exchanged Twitter information and basically became best friends. The bartender was particularly hot and shirtless and gave us a good deal on drinks. I spent a good deal of time bonding with this other guy talking about economics (because GDP is sexy. no really, I need to stop this habit but I can't help it. I love Milton Friedman), poker and color symbolism? There was also a bathroom and eating tootsie rolls in the bathroom (where did I get them?), taking pictures with random people when I got lost from my group, hugging this guy who was wearing the same lashes as me (I was wearing fake lashes), dancing to that new Gaga song which played a thousand times that night and finally waking up on Stephanie's couch.

I wrapped up my birthday extravaganza with a family lunch (at 11:30am, thanks mom) and have been lounging around dizzily ever since. I really love 21. I really love my friends. I am so appreciative.

edit: Songs, age 19, "Nineteen" Tegan & Sara; age 13, "Thirteen" Wilco.

i am fabulous/get it together!

Last night I had my first Tigerheat experience. Well, Tigerheat via the Palladium but gay clubbing none the less. It was Britney night and here is what I learned:

1. Creepers you don't want to dance with can help you through the crowd. On the way back from the restroom, this guy was like "hey mama" and I shook my head but he grabbed my hand so I just used that as leverage to get through the crowd and back to my little group. Score.

2. Speaking of restrooms, the "women" sign is just a suggestion. This fabulous cross-dresser, "But you don't even know if I'm a boy. We all look the same tonight!" as security told him he needed to get out of the women's restroom.

3. It's like third grade all over again, where you get mad/offended when someone cuts. (Teacher, he cutted me!) No but really. People get so offended when you even walk in front of them while they are dancing. Expect the triple finger snap, expect some middle fingers, even fights. It's great.

4. Don't drop your glasses. and be that annoying guy who crawled around the floor using his phone as a flash light.

5. Dancing does the body good. My legs were really sore the next day.

A and H said this wasn't the typical Tigerheat. The space was bigger than usual and the lights were brighter but I still had a lot of fun and I can't wait to go back. An excellent way to kick off my birthday weekend.

*oh and this title comes from a shirt some guy was wearing. he was really into his dancing. and then some other guy was telling his boyfriend, "come on Cory, get it together. Just get it together!" people watching's the best.

what i want for my birthday.

my mom keeps asking so here's my list. i'll take either (or at least the gratification of saying i was accepted to either).

hola ombre!

This weekend I kept thinking about how I've been wanting to dye my hair in the 'ombre' style (like what I did with the title up there?) So I took a study break, bought a highlighting kit and did it. and you kind of can't even tell because my hair naturally has random blonde/copper highlights. Anyway.

*post-8am midterm aggression face.

-Last week was taxing and come Friday, nothing sounded better than my cozy bed, 30 Rock and the two episodes of Pretty Little Liars I missed, and an apple with peanut butter. So that's exactly what I did. No shame.

-Saturday night I headed to LA for A's boy's birthday. Since when do my friends turn 23?! There was plenty of dancing and therefore a happy me despite the fact that I smacked my forehead into a car door and got a baby black eye/broken brow bone? It really feels like it. Hah!

-Also, this gem ceaselessly played in my head during my midterm on Friday. This song was awesome in 1999 when my friends and I used to make dance circles as we each pretended to be a girl in the song. I secretly wanted to be "Jessica" but my friend Jessica was "Jessica" so I settled for Rita. Unfortunately, thinking of this song for the first time in eleven years did not help me with econometrics.

-I just finished a midterm and am now in the lib preparing for a week of econ. It's week 5 and you gotta stay on it, ya know? But so we had this midterm but before this guy was telling me abut his girl's DUI, her 180 day prison sentence and his skye interview with her attorney. COOL STORY BRO.

so this girl has been harassing me since I was 18-years-old and all i keep thinking about is Conan.

aka I'm almost 21 and I still have a bully.

Since I watched, and cried to, Conan's farewell speech [http://youtu.be/isfHFfI81xU] on the Tonight Show over a year ago, I feel like his wisdom is applicable to so many situations. I question where/if my heart belongs to and if my beliefs coincide with any religion but what I do know is this: I truly believe in karma and that what we put into this world, that energy, will ultimately come back to us. (which is really a foundational philosophy for many religions but let's not get too deep.)

And so I mentor a second grade girl who is also currently dealing with a bully and I was wondering how I could possible tell this small child that she will grow up and everything will be okay, when I myself am still being belittled as a grown adult? And aside from wanting to get angry/be a victim and cry/I don't know, honestly hurt her (my dad didn't put me through six years of karate for nothing), I want to ask this bully if she realizes she is acting like a 7 year old child. I want to know if she takes pleasure in being a bitch (don't answer that, I'm sure you do and it's lame and it's pathetic). But I don't take such pleasure. And I'm not sure if I ever could.

I don't even know where I'm getting with this but to my sweet beautiful little friend Ella, be kind. Always always choose kindness.

atta girl Aub/you go glen coco!

I don't like the word "resolution" because I feel like I set myself up for failure (I'm a realist). So in honor of the resolutions I could have made but didn't, I present the following:

#1: Don't make unnecessary purchases. (these beautiful vintage clogs are obviously the exception)

#2: Cut back on the sugar intake. (after I proceed to finish an entire bag of these peanut butter-filled babies over the span of three days)

#3: Drink less coffee. Honestly, I'm not that bad and on top of that I've even cut down. Coffee is more of a treat now (every other day or once a day) while copious amounts of green/black tea is daily.

#4: Stop embarrassing myself. (but I'm such a sucker for poorly done photoshop...)

So twenty days into the new year, and all my hypothetical resolutions are thrown out the window. But resolutions, who needs them? Instead, I set goals!

Goals for 2011 I will actually accomplish:

-greens everyday. most acceptably at least one salad a day.

-cook most meals at home. should be easy if I take the time & will save money honey.

-yoga, pilates, cycle class all at least twice a week.

-improved organization. personal space-wise and school-wise.

-be more sustainable. (ignore the paper cup above. that was truly once) recycle more, use reusable mugs/water canteen all the time.

-highly edit internet/tv usage. instead fill with books and outdoor adventures.

-4.0 gpa!

all the rest are too embarrassing for this public forum.

it's not easy being green.

Meet the green monster. I discovered the green monster on a baking blog and decided to incorporate it to upgrade my breakfast protein shake.

Old shake:

1 banana

some "light" plain soymilk (i eyeball it)

.5-1 scoop soy protein powder

some crushed ice

& blend til smooth.

New "green monster" shake:

1 banana

"light" plain soymilk

.5-1 scoop soy protein powder

handful fresh spinach (chop it up a little for a smoother texture)

smaller handful fresh kale

some crushed ice

blend, and ta da! a delicious nutritious breakfast.

bringing in 2011 by...moving furniture?

Yeah we did. But not for the whole night. I had taken some hilarious pictures of us via my phone at exactly midnight but I guess I didn't think to save them. Instead, here's a picture of S and J getting ready to move furniture. It really was a perfect NYE, though.