Wednesday, October 28, 2009

the writing's on the wall.

i've made it a tradition to use the olhmstead bathroom after every public policy class even though i don't always have to pee. what's the appeal then, you may ask? the writing that is all over the last bathroom stall. it's really quite inspirational.

"You are more beautiful than you will ever know."
"The real question is not whether there is life after death but life before death."
"Have you looked at the sky lately? The sunshine is beautiful."

and then there is the practical:
"My boyfriend of five years says he is 'thinking.' WTF is there to think about? I am heart broken and lost."
"I'm a commuter and it's so hard to meet people. I hate being friendless here."

and people actually respond to these life questions. it's an underground bathroom society!

Saturday, October 24, 2009

shadows of the night

"that is the sexiest blur i have EVER seen!"

Friday, October 23, 2009

us ones inbetween

I don't quite know why, but writing this makes me cry
and I'm hugging my knees, until my knuckles are white,
because I am so worried I might fall apart.
I'm going to hold myself together,
(all night, all day, all year, all eternity)
because nobody can quite do that for me right now,
and that's okay.
Because everyone is falling apart right now and I really really really need you to be the one to tell me that it’s going to be okay this time.
Because I keep having the same nightmare and every night it gets a little longer and a little closer to the end. Do you know that I get scared I’ll find out the end?
And my body is so done. Beyond exhausted, three and a half hour sleep nights are creeping up on me and my sore throat is never going to go away. My body refuses to nap and I can’t not exercise for one day because I swear I’m running on endorphins and caffeine.
I feel as though I will never be content: mentally, physically, emotionally, geographically.
I always want more and I’m not sure why; I’m not sure it can stop. I’m afraid if I stop I’ll realize how much that feeling will always be here. I was happy then I think, but it is that feeling that caused me to count minutes and dates and to analyze everything. That feeling of being alone even though I’m in a crowded room, the feeling that I am drowning in my own thoughts and anxiety. And it will fall on deaf ears and my friends will run out of the sympathy I am not even searching for.
The gypsy king and I talk about this concept known as life and we wonder if it’s worth it. If it’s worth it to wake up everyday and to keep breathing and to keep going. If it’s worth it to spend thousands of dollars for a disposable education that may or may not get us where we want to be in life. We wonder why the youth of America cannot be content with spending an evening in for once to read and learn; we wonder why the worst things in life always seem to happen to the best of people.
He worries and worries and all I can say is that we are going to be one hundred percent because if I didn't I might start to believe we won't.
And I want to go back to September when I should have told you months before that I believe in you, that I love you, that I can help fix you, and if I can’t I will wait until you fix yourself.
I want to collapse into the arms of a stranger because they do not understand but they are the only one who ever could. I want to break down and I’m not sure how.

But i keep singing this:
And you get six months to adapt,
and you get two more to leave town.
and in the event that you do adapt, we still might not want you around.
But I fell for the promise of a life with a purpose,
but I know that that's impossible now.

i know this is strange for me. it will be okay.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

little letters deux

dear woman who illegally parked,
just because you leave grandma in the car, does not make your parking along a red curb any less illegal.

dear achilles tendon,
please stop being pulled. the rest of body wants to go running and we know you do too.

dear library,
you will now be my home for the next two weeks.

dear public policy professor,
hot for teacher (i.e. YOU!)

dear ivy,
thank you for your text messages. i lmao all the time because of them and i love you for it.

dear life,
you are busy and chaotic but i am very much in love with you.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

don't wake me, i plan on sleeping in

This week I:
-pledged with Alpha Phi Omega, stayed with this lovely group of people until 2:30 am and thus created what I know will be forever friendships.
-told a group of people they should vote me as their secretary because I love Hillary Clinton and she’s Secretary of State. Oh, and I make good photocopies (really Aubrey?)
-drove around with a boy I absolutely adore and spilled my life story to him in the process of eating about a pound of French fries.
-was asked to dance by said boy in the parking lot.
-realized there are some things I may never understand, people I will never understand but that unknowing is okay.
-was congratulated by a person I respect very much for work I worked very hard on.
-decided that this coming week I will attend all my classes (I promise).
-danced in the rain with my little brother.
-played “let’s make weird faces on a webcam” with one of my best friends.
-lost track of time in the children’s book section of the library.
-wondered if I can really do this, and yes, I can.
This weekend:
-is going by entirely too quickly.
-involved a rainy beach day, sore feet, ramen noodles.
-will take me to a concert in LA with my dad.
-is simply lovely.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

la jeune amoureuse

My downfall very well might be that I write letters. I write letters to people who never write back, to my grandma who always writes back, to strangers who will never get them because the letters are written only in my head.
I write letters to explain things, to justify my often times outlandish behavior, to say hello, to tell you how much I once loved you.
And my mistake is that these letters often put me in predicaments because I am sometimes crazy enough to affix a stamp and an address on the envelopes and to drop them down the black abyss that is the big blue mail box on the sidewalk. And then I think, oh shit.

But it was just past one a.m. and I was talking to a boy I once knew very well and I was laughing and smiling and damn, it felt so good to feel like that with him again, even if it wasn’t the same and probably never would be.
When I looked down at the mug of green tea I was holding, the fortune on the tea tag said, “When the heart is at ease, the body is healthy.”
So I wrote a letter because the day is special. And three years ago it was special and I might be na├»ve enough to believe that some of the special-ness still hadn’t worn off. Before I knew it, I was crying. Crying like I hadn’t for months and months but not from sadness this time, from contentment; from peace. I am happy. I am hopeful.

I am happy you came into my life and I am hopeful that you will never leave it.
(and I am definitely silly enough to write you a letter attempting to explain this.)


They say everyman goes blind in his heart
They say everybody steals somebody's heart away
And I've been wondering why you let me down
And I've been taking it all for granted

Monday, October 12, 2009

i'm high and i'm happy and i'm free

the past few weeks:
-school is my favorite place to be. college is the best time of my life. my job is learn and absorb.
- i've discovered i want to wear professional attire always. i'm all about the power suit, the comfort wedge, and carrying flats in my bag when i have to walk forever but must appear in heels once i get wherever i'm supposed to be.
-i can't tell you how many times i've introduced myself, my major, and then defended my major when someone made a sour face ("no really, econ can be fun..freakonomics anyone?")
-i love being busy more than anything.
-i love public showers, sounds creepy but it's convenient (and i always wear shower shoes)
-i'm writing for the highlander as a paid staff writer position. i think my editor likes me (or maybe because i'm always in the news room and so he's forced to speak to me?)
-i'm kind of really a creeper and i don't mean to be. a series of unfortunate events, at best.
-i have coffee with bart at least three times a week. he makes my day everyday, even if it's via text message. i promise i'm not obsessed.
-my tA's: okay so i'll admit it, i might have a slight girl crush on my enviro econ TA. she is hilarious and i laugh out loud whenever she teaches lecture. this explains why i have no friends in this class because i've been reduced to 'the weird girl who laughs at all of the TA's dumb jokes.' my law TA hates me. i am certain of this. there is no explanation, he just does.
-i know the direction in which i want to take my life. watch out.
-i love mad men and some of the time i spend in the library is dedication to watching web episodes.
-i still love gummy bears. a lot.
-i am really in love with life right now, with living, and loving, in love with everyone.

Monday, October 5, 2009

palpitation

[October 5, 1998]
My name is Aubrey and theoretically, anatomically, and literally speaking I should not be alive.

but i am, and i'm not going to waste it.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

giddy over getty

I spent this weekend in Los Angeles with one of my best friends. We ate a lot of good food, had many a heart-to-heart, dealt with plenty of drunk perverts but made sure to get our culture too. I was inspired, really. It was absolutely beautiful, everything- the museum, the weather, everything.


I want to be buried in these gardens.
And this guy is my favorite painting ever. I want him to be my boyfriend.