letters i wish i could receive but probably never will.

dear aubrey,

i know you hate me and are already kicking yourself in the ass for enrolling in a new section but have you realized law is largely philosophy-based? maybe you should get over it and suck it up, just sayin'.

hang in there, your new phil class.

dear sexy aubrey,

i saw you creeping in the store the other day without buying anything. yes, i was working and yes, my line was the longest and not worth going through the trouble to find something to buy just so you could talk to me. i'm glad you took my suggestion on the heritage oranges yesterday though.

come back soon, sexy trader joe's cash register operator.

dear aub,

you're taking us out so often and we love it! our tread is already wearing out so hopefully we won't need to be replaced soon.

faithfully, your running shoes.

dear aubrey,

hurry up and schedule an appointment already so i can give you a head and neck message and we can bond over how mortifying it is when people tag horrible pictures of us on fbook. oh, and i know you went home and fbook stalked me last time. sorry my profile is friends only, i still love you.

see you monday, shane, your hairstylist.

dearest aubrey,

i'm so happy you rearranged your room so that you can wake up in my glory and forget how nice it was to actually sleep during spring break and how you can't do that anymore.

love, the morning sunshine.

dear aubrey,

i am sorry i made you so sick yesterday. not sure why i did but it will never happen again.

drink up, coffee.

an indirect letter to ivy wisner, on her birthday.

So this lady is one of my closest friends and being that I am a month and a handful of days older than her, I am obviously more mature and worldly so this is perhaps the most important birthday message she will read. There is so much I hope for her during her twentieth year of life. Ivy is one of those friends where hypocrisy is at its all time high. I mean, we judge/criticize/influence/give each other advice constantly when we are in no position to at all since we don't follow half of what we're telling the other anyway. But I suppose that's the beauty in this relationship. We're both each other's mother hen/sluttiest friend/random adventurer/savior and we've seen each other at the best and worst*. So now Ivy, this is direct and I am talking to you; Happy Birthday. I love you more than I ever dare say out loud. Twenty is not that old, however, it is one year closer to cat lady years (aka your prime).

*just note that Ives' worst is a lot worse than mine.

i am nothing if i'm not a pragmatist.

in case you were concerned, this is my academic-i'm-going-to-be-super-selfish-and-focus-on-improving-myself quarter (and i made a pact with two of my best friends so i cannot break this, obviously.)

-4.0 gpa. i've been to one class so far but i have a good feeling about this quarter.

-outside reading. seriously, i'm lagging and there is so much i want to read.

-follow through. such as, filling out applications, keeping appointments.

-exercise (even more). you know, being shallow and staring at the vs swim suit hanging on the back of my door.

-more cooking/baking, also seriously lagging.

-exploring, whether on foot or in car. with company or not.

-more creative endeavors. such as, finishing the skirt and pillow cases i started sewing last summer, headbands, small projects here and there.

-time management. there are just so many activities i could be doing instead of wasting my time doing what i do do (and half the time i don't even know what that is).

soft porn version of the end of the world

*one and only picture i took of spring break.

"Aubrey, you're an economist and I am a biologist. We will figure out a way to get down from this mountain." (bff bonding at its best)

it's all pretty fuckin' bleak.

i am your future and i'm here to tell you it's all pretty fucking bleak.

like the pancake mix you realize expired when you were a junior in high school but you eat anyway just like you eat your feelings after a bad movie you watched while high and nostalgic for a boy you once knew in a time period that exists only in picture frames.

like how the sun fades from the rear view mirror of a car that holds nothing but you, your best friend and the receipt from the abortion clinic that's too loaded to fit inside the closet where skeletons tend to play hide and seek.

like when you're on your sixth cup of coffee and you're crying for how beautiful this scene of friends must look from afar at an ihop at eleven pm when nothing matters much except that idea she's planning on thinking of writing for a novel of a trip she once took.

like how you go to use your debit card and it's declined and the girl asks if you want to try again, as if being rejected once wasn't bad enough and damn that mother fucker if he stands you up again.

like how he's laying with his head in your lap taking a drag of one of the american spirits you had to get with a license that's four years and two months past the time they should have asked for it now that you're hoping for more than just a cigarette between your lips.

like how you all collectively feel so trivial in working for that wallpaper degree in english/biology/economics that's really only promising you 10+ years of debt if you make it past the five year pact that's so appealing to break now that you're twenty and have seen too much but understand so little.

like when it's one in the morning and you still haven't brushed your teeth because you threw your toothbrush away this morning thinking you would get another. and you to sleep anyway, knowing that it's more than a teeth cleaning device in that trash can: it's your life and it's all pretty fucking bleak.

i miss you and the day isn't even half over yet.

delirious and overwhelmed and counting down the hours. i'm crying through my notes and our music and laughing like a crazy person over our std jokes. i'm never sure what i know, just that i breathe easier with you and we fall into habit. sometimes our worst habits are the ones we need most.

(i don't think he knows how much i miss him when he's gone.)

it's always this.

I believe that being kind to everyone is necessary. A full meal will make you feel better always. Actions speak louder than words so do good and spread love. I believe in walking or biking instead of driving to save gas, the planet, and your dress size. Bargain shopping is often the best shopping. It’s true when they say that time will heal most things. Everyone should have the best education. I think karma is real so pick up litter even if it’s not yours. Mascara should be worn at all times. VITAMINS. I believe that your parents can be your best friends and your siblings your closet confidants. Sort your socks and don't even touch your phone while driving. Remember to forgive your past and eat your vegetables. It’s not intelligence but hard work that matters most. I believe in the power of love and compassion. Call your grandparents just to say hi. A smile is one’s best accessory. When strapped for cash, Vaseline will do the job just as well as any fancy moisturizer. A party can be as simple as your best friend, an ipod, and an aimless car ride. Going to the movies by yourself every once in awhile doesn’t make you a loner. I believe in hand writing thank you letters to let people know you appreciate and care. Wear sunscreen on your face everyday and don’t be embarrassed to ask questions, especially the dumb ones.

better than finals

Instead of stressing out about finals like I should be (and secretly am, my first is this Saturday wtf) , I decided to make a list of a few things that inspire me as of late.

1. my best man friends. so i have several best friends and though the Parisians are always my immediate best friends, i find that there is no friend quite like the best man friend. they offer the much needed reality check, make the best dates when you don't want to go to a party alone, tend to be less of enablers (except when it comes to cigarettes, coffee, and maybe some other things) and the male perspective is always appreciated, especially when concerning whether the asshole tendencies of males should be tolerated. love love bf, gypsy king, sean, and andy.

2. music. sorry but i really feel like i have the best taste in music sometimes. thank you for keeping me sane ezra furman, m. ward, rogue wave, girls, eef barzelay and the like.

3. coffee. so lately it's like this: boys constantly think of sex, i constantly think of coffee. and then i drink it to the point of illness. that's all.

4. running. i've gotten to the point where five miles is a breeze, hills aren't that hard to run up and if i go a day without, i feel incomplete.

5. taking notes. i mainly go to class to take notes and color code everything in ranking of importance.

do you see?

the formerly ugly brown mountains of southern California are actually green.

oh, hello capitol.

i was most definitely overly excited this entire weekend because:

-i was fortunate enough to be selected by the chancellor to attend UCSA

-he paid for everything including rooms at a swanky hotel priced at $600 a night (gov. schwarzeneggar lives in the penthouse on the top floors)

-he paid for our food and we ate very well indeed.

-i made so many new friends/met new people

-was able to help my hotel roommate with her econ homework (yes, excited)

-we wrecked havoc at the capitol at midnight and partied way too late for the time had to be up

-i actually went inside the capitol building and fell in love.

-i lobbied! and fell in love again.

-i marched around the streets of dtown sacramento, was featured on local news and attended a rally/press conference.

thank you sac, you are beautiful.