Saturday, April 30, 2011

11:21 on A SATURDAY

Saturday night and I'm studying. again. my weekends have recurring themes and i'm strangely okay/immune to this. tomatoes, tomahtoes.

-so i participated in a NCMO (non committal make out) high school style in a car in a jack in the box parking lot last weekend. unfortunately it will probably just stay as stated. we tried to cross the friends line. very risky and unpredictable but if the friendship is intact after said "hey let's try dating!!" then it's usually for the best. i chalk this up to being my fault of course. my "focus" on other aspects of my life leaves little leeway for frivolities of long-term dating/serious relationships, much to my mother's dismay. contrary to popular belief, being single doesn't mean you're unhappy or lonely or pining after an exboyfriend. it's actually quite the opposite and means i'd rather not act a fool and be in love and instead make money/graduate from fucking college. regardless, he looked really cute in a beanie and smelled delicious too. i'll continue with my shallow journey of getting hotter (or just hot?) (re: gym all the time, better makeup).
-it's a fact that i dislike sundays. something cool might happen tomorrow though. if it doesn't that's fine, i'll continue to dislike sundays and the world spins madly on. but if it happens, you'll read about it, i'm sure.

p.s. i'm not actually currently studying. i'm watching cspan (white house correspondence dinner, what what!) and drinking chocolate wine. i'm meeting with the NCMO at coco's at 4am. who needs anything else?

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

when you can do nothing but watch as your own heart breaks on a front porch.

we were sitting on the porch holding hands when she asked me my name for the third time in an hour.
"no Bea, it's Aubriska." (an old nickname she's called me since infancy)
"aye, me olvide" (i forgot), she said as she patted her thick white hair.

we sat in silence for a good minute processing what this all meant before she spoke again.
"la cabeza se rompio" (my brain broke).

it's okay Bea, it's okay.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

the mountain.

The Mountain from Terje Sorgjerd on Vimeo.

we get so detached from reality we wonder how this could even be real. regardless of your beliefs, notice the beauty of today. it's real.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

religious observance begs sabbatical.

today is saturday and i spent three hours early this morning getting a very expensive hair cut. i’m mildly convinced it cost so much because he spent forty minutes alone trying to detangle my hair. don’t worry, we tamed that bitch. and talked about coachella (obviously), thai and mexican food and how we could eat it every day, and 90s shows like catdog and bobby’s world.

i drank some coffee and listened to a lot of broken social scene like i was in high school again. i wondered how and where you are and if you ever got to where you wanted to.

people complain that there is no sun or heat in april in southern california on easter weekend. like, i should not be wearing a jean jacket and it shouldn’t be overcast and instead of overpriced coffee we should be getting overpriced iced coffee.

but you know what? it’s april. it’s not summer yet and broken social scene and overcast weather rather fit my mood these days.

Monday, April 18, 2011

i've got the blues.

-noun psychiatry. a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal experienced after Coachella; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason other than Coachella.

symptoms include but are no limited to:
-swollen/buffy/bruised/tender/achy feet. this may require the patient to wear running shoes/a supportive "sneaker" several days post-Coachella Festival.
-absurd tan lines. it's almost as if the sun laughed at any meager attempt to apply or reapply sunscreen.
-the feeling of hopelessness when one's life is not dictated by 50-minute increments. "what do you mean I don't have to decide which band to 'sacrifice' in order to see another?!"
-the foreign concept of the following: running water, soap, cool/temperate climates, mattresses, non-dirty feet.
-economic shock. inflation in real life isn't so bad. morning coffee doesn't have to cost $3-5. a quesadilla doesn't really cost $7.
-the emptiness of not seeing Shaun White ten feet in front of you in lecture/everyday life.
-the realization that Julian Casablancas will not be drunk rambling between Strokes songs on your ipod.

so in short, i'm suffering. this is a real disease.
coachella 2012 countdown: 364 days.

Friday, April 8, 2011

would you call the earth an asshole for turning round and round?

It's the familiar sinking feeling one gets in realizing how bittersweet life is and how its contradictions might never manifest into substantial concepts.
Like most people I have trouble with mortality. Frankly the objectivism and untimeliness just makes me angry.
Do you remember the first time you were able to conceptualize death as a child? I do and even then my analytical brain refused to take its definition at face value. And I remember my mom explained Heaven to me as everything pretty and nothing I didn't like. My dad and I tended a rose garden at the time and I imagined a heaven where bees didn't exist to bother my flowers and my roses had no thorns. My mom told me I would have that and more.
But I hated not knowing what comes next. The not having something finite or tangible to grasp onto. Faith is supposed to compensate for this lacking but what if one does not know what to have faith in to begin with? What if having faith in faith will never be enough?
So I choose not to think about it lest I fall into cyclical phases of nihilism where getting out of my bed never seems worth anything.
Finding the answers to these mysteries will always seem fruitless to me but that's where I am right now and I'm really struggling to understand any of it.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

thoughts as of 8:50pm on a Tuesday

-the general population gives weird attention/respect to individuals who wear business attire. i don't like this kind of attention ("power" suit actually has context behind it). this is just my uniform everyday (as of last week, haha) and it makes getting dressed more efficient but i got my blazer at jc penny's. i'm not power trippin.
-average law school debt= $89 thou and some change. insert hyperventilation here/i hope the world ends in 2012 so everything's insignificant in the LR.
-thumbs up to my Africa econ class. a subject that's not (entirely) euro-centric is refreshing. plus my professor's wife is a diplomat. guess who's going to office hours every session? this girl.
-my obsession with Drake? getting ridiculous. i woke up spooning my laptop which had frozen during one of his music videos which i had began watching & fell asleep to somewhere in 3am.
-coachella. 9 days. come sooner/quicker. i'm dying for you.
-you will never regret waking up early to leave your warm bed to go run in the cold. you will never be pissed off after going to a yoga class. you will never regret a workout. with that being said...