Friday, December 25, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Friday, November 27, 2009
Thursday, November 26, 2009
I love holidays. I live for the moment it becomes seasonally appropriate to listen to Christmas music (I was blaring “Sleigh Ride” in my car this past August) and love buying chocolate in bulk on Valentine’s Day. I whole-heartedly embrace the celebratory attributes of every holiday, whether historically important or a just a sappy Hallmark creation, and despite the whole “hard, cynical, and emotionally avoidant” caricature I seem to have drawn regarding various subjects, holidays change everything. I am the first to get warm and fuzzy at cheesy rom-coms, particularly ones that intertwine Christmas spirit in the plotline. Love Actually is my second Favorite Movie of All Time, and The Holiday pretty much melts my heart (although that might just be the significant screen time spent panning on and off Jude’s spectacular jaw line). And that weird shiver you get when your heart can’t handle all of the circumferential joy and happiness it’s taking in and you have to, like, awkwardly shift your body in the general flow of movement as to not appear at all affected? I own those.
That being said, Thanksgiving is today and there are a lot of things not just to bethankful for, but that I am thankful for. Things I may have only registered as a blip on my conscious last year because my situation was so different.
Today, in general: Was spent with family, being completely ridiculous and irresponsible with food, and with the company of two good friends. The celebration/condemnation of our high school humiliation was acknowledged with a night break in to our high school and a pack of cigarettes. Disregard turkey, French fries from Del Taco at 9pm never tasted better.
Friends, aka my lovelies, the Parisians, and Best Friend: I love and am completely thankful for the friendship Best Friend and I have (but really the relationships I have will all of the Parisians.) No matter the distance and the total impersonal attitude our texts usually garner, we easily fall into place, connect, and bond as if nothing has changed from five years ago. Our lives are going a million miles per second in every which direction but at the end of the day, none of that really matters. I love these people more than I could ever express and am so thankful to have an environment in which I can be myself and feel safe and loved regardless.
Family: I could talk up my family for hours and probably do speak too much of them. Unconditional love at its finest, even my brother's snippy comments roll off my back now that my visits home rarely break the 72-hour mark. Thankful for just the fact that I am in the house with all of them as I type this and how we had family nap time earlier as soon as we got home from dinner. I associate them with comfort and a support system I don't have to worry about, and for that I am thankful, whether I am with them or not.
Warmth: Warm clothes, warm cookies, warm personalities, warm beverages, warm houses. If there's anything that provokes coziness and contentment, this is it. I'm thankful that, on a day like today, each of these has made an appearance. And I hope the same for you.
Health: It's cliche but not really when you think about it. I'm thankful that I am still standing after this week, when my total hours of sleep barely scrapped the 20 hour mark. I am thankful that my body tolerates this abuse but moreover, I'm very lucky to be alive in general. Thank you heart for being strong because I couldn't ask for more than this.
Having a major that allows me to idolize Hillary Clinton, read the Economist and the New Yorker, and plot the supply and demand of sex: Sometimes I worry I'm not a legitimate nineteen year old because I watch the news every free chance I get, am never seen without a newspaper, could tell you Syria's current GDP per capita, and the WSJ is my most frequently received tweet. But I'm a nerd and a partial loser and I just love politics and studying China's economy is really fun for me. And if I am considered a boring old person for that, then bring on the apple sauce.
And so I hope you find much to be thankful for today. The world is a lovely place to be.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
-people keep staring at me lately. not like the normal glances you take at people as you pass them by, no, people are full on staring. if it's just me then i accept being awkward but if there is snot on my face or something as equally tragic, please let me know. thanks.
-all the music i listen to reminds me of you and it's partially annoying because we have really good taste in music (obviously) but the problem is, you're not here to enjoy it with me.
Friday, November 13, 2009
"ahhhh, you and your awkwardness. the masochist in you shows." [the context behind this is a lot more interesting than the text itself, but ya know.]
i forgot to mention that justin timberlake was paged for his flight to burbank while i was at the airport yesterday.
and also i drank five different types of lattes from five different coffee shops. some sort of record, i'm sure.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
-Best Friend is there, we fall into old habits and i feel home again.
-my lovelies are there, we talk forever, sleep on futons, and always always eat good food.
-favorite bookstore ever, Mo's; coffee at Peet's
-i get to steal the Oakland Tribune off the stoop
-i pretend to be a student and go to Tamil class
-i get to wear sweaters and leggings and not sweat to death
everyone comes home in more or less nine days. first time we'll all be together since july!
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
A lot has happened since my last blog letter to you; I loved you again (go figure, old habits die hard) and you were a jerk again (go figure, old habits die hard). But I went to the Mission district tonight and thought about you the entire time. There were guys in skinny cords with cigarettes all over the neighborhood and I couldn't help but think of you and think how cute we would be walking the streets, browsing vintage shops and bookstores together. I ate a quesadilla and then remembered how you ate one for me once even though you don't like them. Knowing that you would have disapproved made it taste even better and let me tell you, it was pretty damn good to begin with. Anyway, I saw you a couple weeks ago at my favorite place in the world and had no choice but to leave because seeing you is like falling into a giant bush of poison ivy. I know I will probably be seeing you in two weeks and my friends will probably warn me against it but you know what? I'm not going to listen because I can't stop loving you.
Friday, November 6, 2009
I don’t always understand what other people see, how they see it, and why they see it. My entire life I have been told that I am good, that I am a gentle soul, a kindred spirit, always sweet, patient, accepting , friendly. And I want to know where this comes from, how individuals are able to sense this inherent goodness because I don’t always feel like that and I especially think I don’t always act like that. (Sometimes I think bad thoughts, especially when I am driving or walking behind someone really slow.) But I seek out the best in others and in situations and I love everyone and if this reflects back to my own character, then I can only give a million thanks to the lovely individuals who fill my being.
They are the people who will suggest good movies that cause me to stay up too late procrastinating my studies; they are the ones who answer my telephone calls on Tuesdays at 3am when I am having panic attacks about small things, or worse, nothing at all. They are the people with whom I have Thursday night slumber parties and stay up until 6:30 in the morning talking about everything and laughing, always laughing.; they are the people who help satisfy my French fry obsession and order in bad Spanish accents. They are the people who let me go with them to a class I’m not even in because I’m weird and like sitting in on lectures. They are the people who have silent coffee dates with me and understand when I don’t want to talk about it; they are the people who let me sleep in their bed, mess up the sheets, hog the covers and take a walk of shame in the morning without saying goodbye. They are the people who don’t get upset with me when I wake up early and make noise accidentally; they are the ones who laugh at my lame jokes, feel sorry for my bruised leg when I fall out of the shower, and get concerned when I say that I can feel my blood surging after drinking too much coffee. They are the people who take me swing dancing and salad eating, kiss my cheek, and hold me close when I am freezing from only wearing half of a sweater.
This week I have never been more challenged. Everyday I want to scream, cry, and runaway. I want to give up. I’m not sure if it’s some divine intervention or the fact that I have the strongest support system I could ever imagine, but I won’t give up. I know at the end of this fiasco I will be a much better person.
And though I take pleasure in always being busy, stressed out, frazzled and on a permanent coffee binge, I am looking forward to a weekend without obligations. I want to do homework because I want to and not because I need to finish before service. I want to hang out and relax with people on my own terms, not because I need fellowship. I want to lay in my bed all day long, eating mochi, drinking tea and watching Sex and the City.
But until then I am counting down the hours until Berkeley and counting minutes until I can be with my loves, my bests. Because not being able to understand a voice because of a crappy cell connection is never as good as not being able to understand a voice in person because you’re laughing too hard. And text emotio-cons are never as good as real life angry-winky-smiley-licky tongue faces.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
"You are more beautiful than you will ever know."
"The real question is not whether there is life after death but life before death."
"Have you looked at the sky lately? The sunshine is beautiful."
and then there is the practical:
"My boyfriend of five years says he is 'thinking.' WTF is there to think about? I am heart broken and lost."
"I'm a commuter and it's so hard to meet people. I hate being friendless here."
and people actually respond to these life questions. it's an underground bathroom society!
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
and I'm hugging my knees, until my knuckles are white,
because I am so worried I might fall apart.
I'm going to hold myself together,
(all night, all day, all year, all eternity)
because nobody can quite do that for me right now,
and that's okay.
Because everyone is falling apart right now and I really really really need you to be the one to tell me that it’s going to be okay this time.
Because I keep having the same nightmare and every night it gets a little longer and a little closer to the end. Do you know that I get scared I’ll find out the end?
And my body is so done. Beyond exhausted, three and a half hour sleep nights are creeping up on me and my sore throat is never going to go away. My body refuses to nap and I can’t not exercise for one day because I swear I’m running on endorphins and caffeine.
I feel as though I will never be content: mentally, physically, emotionally, geographically.
I always want more and I’m not sure why; I’m not sure it can stop. I’m afraid if I stop I’ll realize how much that feeling will always be here. I was happy then I think, but it is that feeling that caused me to count minutes and dates and to analyze everything. That feeling of being alone even though I’m in a crowded room, the feeling that I am drowning in my own thoughts and anxiety. And it will fall on deaf ears and my friends will run out of the sympathy I am not even searching for.
The gypsy king and I talk about this concept known as life and we wonder if it’s worth it. If it’s worth it to wake up everyday and to keep breathing and to keep going. If it’s worth it to spend thousands of dollars for a disposable education that may or may not get us where we want to be in life. We wonder why the youth of America cannot be content with spending an evening in for once to read and learn; we wonder why the worst things in life always seem to happen to the best of people. He worries and worries and all I can say is that we are going to be one hundred percent because if I didn't I might start to believe we won't.
And I want to go back to September when I should have told you months before that I believe in you, that I love you, that I can help fix you, and if I can’t I will wait until you fix yourself.
I want to collapse into the arms of a stranger because they do not understand but they are the only one who ever could. I want to break down and I’m not sure how.
But i keep singing this:
And you get six months to adapt,
and you get two more to leave town.
and in the event that you do adapt, we still might not want you around.
But I fell for the promise of a life with a purpose,
but I know that that's impossible now.
i know this is strange for me. it will be okay.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
just because you leave grandma in the car, does not make your parking along a red curb any less illegal.
dear achilles tendon,
please stop being pulled. the rest of body wants to go running and we know you do too.
you will now be my home for the next two weeks.
dear public policy professor,
hot for teacher (i.e. YOU!)
thank you for your text messages. i lmao all the time because of them and i love you for it.
you are busy and chaotic but i am very much in love with you.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
-pledged with Alpha Phi Omega, stayed with this lovely group of people until 2:30 am and thus created what I know will be forever friendships.
-told a group of people they should vote me as their secretary because I love Hillary Clinton and she’s Secretary of State. Oh, and I make good photocopies (really Aubrey?)
-drove around with a boy I absolutely adore and spilled my life story to him in the process of eating about a pound of French fries.
-was asked to dance by said boy in the parking lot.
-realized there are some things I may never understand, people I will never understand but that unknowing is okay.
-was congratulated by a person I respect very much for work I worked very hard on.
-decided that this coming week I will attend all my classes (I promise).
-danced in the rain with my little brother.
-played “let’s make weird faces on a webcam” with one of my best friends.
-lost track of time in the children’s book section of the library.
-wondered if I can really do this, and yes, I can.
-is going by entirely too quickly.
-involved a rainy beach day, sore feet, ramen noodles.
-will take me to a concert in LA with my dad.
-is simply lovely.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
I write letters to explain things, to justify my often times outlandish behavior, to say hello, to tell you how much I once loved you.
And my mistake is that these letters often put me in predicaments because I am sometimes crazy enough to affix a stamp and an address on the envelopes and to drop them down the black abyss that is the big blue mail box on the sidewalk. And then I think, oh shit.
But it was just past one a.m. and I was talking to a boy I once knew very well and I was laughing and smiling and damn, it felt so good to feel like that with him again, even if it wasn’t the same and probably never would be.
When I looked down at the mug of green tea I was holding, the fortune on the tea tag said, “When the heart is at ease, the body is healthy.”
So I wrote a letter because the day is special. And three years ago it was special and I might be naïve enough to believe that some of the special-ness still hadn’t worn off. Before I knew it, I was crying. Crying like I hadn’t for months and months but not from sadness this time, from contentment; from peace. I am happy. I am hopeful.
I am happy you came into my life and I am hopeful that you will never leave it.
(and I am definitely silly enough to write you a letter attempting to explain this.)
They say everybody steals somebody's heart away
And I've been wondering why you let me down
And I've been taking it all for granted
Monday, October 12, 2009
-school is my favorite place to be. college is the best time of my life. my job is learn and absorb.
- i've discovered i want to wear professional attire always. i'm all about the power suit, the comfort wedge, and carrying flats in my bag when i have to walk forever but must appear in heels once i get wherever i'm supposed to be.
-i can't tell you how many times i've introduced myself, my major, and then defended my major when someone made a sour face ("no really, econ can be fun..freakonomics anyone?")
-i love being busy more than anything.
-i love public showers, sounds creepy but it's convenient (and i always wear shower shoes)
-i'm writing for the highlander as a paid staff writer position. i think my editor likes me (or maybe because i'm always in the news room and so he's forced to speak to me?)
-i'm kind of really a creeper and i don't mean to be. a series of unfortunate events, at best.
-i have coffee with bart at least three times a week. he makes my day everyday, even if it's via text message. i promise i'm not obsessed.
-my tA's: okay so i'll admit it, i might have a slight girl crush on my enviro econ TA. she is hilarious and i laugh out loud whenever she teaches lecture. this explains why i have no friends in this class because i've been reduced to 'the weird girl who laughs at all of the TA's dumb jokes.' my law TA hates me. i am certain of this. there is no explanation, he just does.
-i know the direction in which i want to take my life. watch out.
-i love mad men and some of the time i spend in the library is dedication to watching web episodes.
-i still love gummy bears. a lot.
-i am really in love with life right now, with living, and loving, in love with everyone.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Sunday, October 4, 2009
I want to be buried in these gardens.
And this guy is my favorite painting ever. I want him to be my boyfriend.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
This is what went down:
-he flips off two innocent drivers
-yells at child who is in the cross walk
-yells at woman at the gas station for "not parking right"
-makes an illegal turn
among other things he validates all of this because "[he] has a bigger truck." oh and all the while we're listening to Shakira's She Wolf. on repeat.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
The autumnal equinox has occurred! The start to my favorite time of the year. I am ready for long bike rides through downtown and the hills, pumpkin pie, pumpkin lattes, pumpkin ice cream, pumpkin anything...and scarves and tights and crisp mornings.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Here is a list of my accomplishments: (in no particular order, just as I kept track of them in my black book)
- Relating to every Taylor Swift song ever.
- Learning to breathe on my own.
- Gaining independence.
- Adventures with the greatest people in the entire universe.
- Recreational drug use... (not sure if this is an accomplishment)
- First date! (the stereotypical "pick you up at seven" type date)
- Learning to cook really awesome food.
- Really good books, most specifically Dave Eggers and meeting him.
- Relating to 3LW and realizing "baby I'm a do-right"
- Falling in love with Northern California, again.
- Discovering a passion in biking, Rock Racing, and everything that accompanies this two wheeled device.
- Taking up ultimate ball/frisbee.
- Running a 5k.
- Becoming closer with some amazing people and meeting new ones.
- New possibilities.
In conclusion: It's been the best summer. A long one at that, I'm excited for fall, excited for this next chapter of my life and though I am generally freaking out about everything, I am happy. and I love it.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Burritos, ice cream, coffee, and good company made time spent in line with preteens completely worth it.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
My last “relationship” would have lasted infinitely longer had both parties been drunk the entire time. Well, maybe not but it’s a theory I have, which sadly (or not) will never be proven.
But really, one should never underestimate the power of alcohol and here’s why: This summer was perhaps my largest dabble into a world in which I only ever saw on reality tv or made fun of at my high school.
Let me start by saying I was never a fan of alcohol in high school. Coming of age in a school where the majority of the budget was spent on the football team while our newspaper staff had to pick oranges to fund a single issue, I associated alcohol with the skanky girls who dated the football players and posted MySpace pictures of themselves with beer cans and updated their Facebook statuses with the details of ‘Thirsty Thursday.’
Basically I was haughty and took pride in my abstinence and the fact that the only “drinks” I had ever had were sips of my dad’s beer or a lick of salt off my mom’s strawberry daiquiri. And this continued into my freshman year of college. Frat parties? Drinking 40s in the forest? Drunk girls crying in the bathroom? Throwing up on a roommate’s bed? No thank you. Instead I lived the glamorous life of scheduling lunches with my Latin American Studies professor (yes, in retrospect it was creepy as it sounds), working on the board of Model UN, and attempting to learn Cantonese with my Asian posse of friends. Sometimes I even went crazy and went to a midnight meal at Nine Dining. I also juggled the constant phone calls/texting of then-boyfriend, though apparently I hadn’t understood alcohol as an emotional release just yet.
Don’t worry this story ends happily: spring break meant the beginning of 4 p.m. drinking parties and me attending dinner with my grandparents under the lovely fog that is a safety buzz. Then summer came and there was both celebration and boredom to be met. Best Friend and I celebrated his graduating high school next to a water fall with a bottle of champagne and an iPod with portable speakers. The official kickoff to summer was later that week and again began at 4 p.m. and amazingly, somehow, I was able to consume five to six shots of rum with barely any side-effects, meaning I didn’t get drunk. That night I also got to know some people who would become even better friends and for better or worse, experienced the rein of the Gypsy King.
With alcohol I learned that certain foods become amazing. Take, for example, grandma bread and boxed macaroni and cheese. Who knew. Friendly competition became necessary and a couple girlfriends and I invented the gold star system which basically tested our capabilities of desperation with two underage boys. Cougars are in style, what can we say?
I played beer pong with people I didn’t know, was strangely good at it (to this day, the drunker I get, the more my athletic abilities strengthen), realized I could have much in common with an O Chem major, didn’t mind being hit on by a bisexual man, and that night developed what would become a unique friendship with the Gypsy King as Best Friend drove us home from the most obscure party with us giggling in the backseat.
Since that fateful night, I’ve realized that my real alcohol of choice is vodka, but more than all else, I’ve fallen in love with alcohol. This may sound absolutely absurd, mostly because it actually is, but I’ve come to realize that for me, being slightly buzzed is not only the preferred way I’d like to view the world, but it also apparently is the way the world would like to view me.
Seriously, while other girls have complained about the horrendous events that have happened due to a particularly inebriated moment, I have always ended up better off for said moments.
My drunken text messages and phone calls have always led to a renewed friendship, a resuscitated bond, and/or a one-time-only-but-nevertheless-emotionally-real conversation with an old high school acquaintance or some equally random relationship. (For example: “Hey, I’m drunk and really sorry about what I said the other night.” “Oh hey, I’m drunk too. All is well and forgiven.”)
And the aforementioned doomed but beautiful relationship began midsummer with a blind date to the drive-in and a shared can of beer in the car. Being pulled over at 4 a.m. was no problem. Alcohol intoxication was a cornerstone of confidence, and was replaced with kissing intoxication and we were invincible to the law that night. A night of Jell-O shots and Keystone Light left me with a stolen purse but only reinforced the fact that in our drunken eyes we were star-crossed lovers. That realization was followed by an evening of party hopping and laying in the grass with a Mexican blanket, deciding that I would then be referred to as ‘Russian Man’ and he ‘American Man.’
Alcohol gave me a summer fling, but I lied when I said that alcohol has always been on my side. Like any good buzz, nothing can stay and it was when I sobered up that I realized in no way, shape, or form, could I ever be the GF that BF so desperately craved or vice versa. Not even a pitiful round of shots on a road trip could fix that fact, and for the first time my old companion alcohol left me crying on Best Friend’s lap because I was despondent and wasted and talking about how I’d never find someone to love me.
Weeks later in a separate but related event, I was again crying on Best Friend because I was angry and wasted and talking about how I wasn’t ever going to get over the last boy who broke my heart (which actually turned out to be completely accurate), and again on a night when I was antisocial and wasted and just wanted someone with a car to drive me away from everything.
Now that summer is coming to a close and with school being a week away, I’ve decided to turn in my shot glass and bid Cesar Chavez adieu. Of course I love the fact that drinking in unfamiliar places is always more fun and I’ll never deny the fact that alcohol has more or less made every man I know more homosexual, there has to be a time and place for everything and maybe alcohol just shouldn’t fit into my school schedule. That is, until Gypsy King joins a frat and promises to take me along to the parties with him.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Sunday, September 6, 2009
i hope all your days are as perfect.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Monday, August 31, 2009
really great events that occured:
-running up the street to meet the berks, yelling hugging, and in my case, crying. i am emotional about everything.
-dragging the rickshaw everywhere and getting stuck on an escalator.
-festivities at anais' apartment.
-sean wanting to be "taken away" by the rickshaw and then a skateboard
-meeting trisha's co-op friends! and seeing the co-op itself. so perfect.
-zibabwe and saving three dollars and the friends we acquired outside.
-julie saving the day again as we were evicted.
-julie and shilpa's apartment, their new futon, and their cute kitchen with the window i'm obssessed with.
-business as usual with david even though we were apart for a week. coffee, analyzing, secrets.
-the marina! and all the walking adventures
-clark kerr and its huge glory.
-david's lame roommates.
-almost vomitting in front of david's dorm because of my meds.
-class with david, i owned him at chemistry, thanks in part to 'chemistry for everyone.'
-the drive. part of the novelty is always the drive for me. included beyonce, cuban rap, and of course the music that so well defines us parisians.
"oh no, now we're john donning beyonce."
Thank you Berkeley!
Thursday, August 27, 2009
i am blessed to have a younger brother to be silly with.
i am blessed to have a warm bed that loves me regardless.
i am blessed to be healthy with a body that does not mind the arduous bike rides and does not stay sore forever.
i am blessed to be going on two road trips in the coming weeks that will be incredible.
i am blessed to be moving into a home of my own soon (14 days!) with a girl i adore.
i am blessed to have a new goal to be excited about and to work towards.
i am blessed to have beautiful days everyday even if i fail to realize them sometimes.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
* note our excitement even through the blurriness of these photos. we were quite happy.and of course the night wouldn't be complete without antics from our ridiculous friends, tarot cards, loitering at coffee shops, gossip, hanging out in parking lots, and generally being a nuisance. i hope all your days are beautiful too.