"i just wanted some decoration."

i must admit i feel pretty bad ass. oh, may i hand you your drink? with my left hand.

a song on repeat and these words.

"and after a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul.

you learn that love doesn't mean leaning,

and company doesn't mean security.

and you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts

and presents aren't promises.

and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open.

with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child.

and you learn to build all your roads on today

because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.

after a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.

so plant your own garden,

and decorate your own soul,

instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

and you learn that you really can endure...

that you really are strong...

and you really do have worth."

veronica shoffstall

approaching this week completely excited and inspired. it will happen in 2010, i can sense it.

this is what twenty looks like.

blacking out the friction.

so a really awkward weekend led to a teary phone call to one of the bffs and before i knew it we were sitting downtown. me with huge sunglasses to cover my running makeup and swollen eyes, and her with her calm, collected, i'll drop what i'm doing to sit with you on a corner demeanor and her scarily npr-like voice. we came to the conclusion that riverside is suffocating me and redlands does and will always make people crazy. and if i want to find the boy in question, all i have to do is sit on any street downtown because he will ultimately drive by at precisely the exact moment we're speaking of him.

and then i find that yoga is my ultimate healer and i can disconnect my body from my mind and just be an entity. sleep can cure almost anything and tomorrow is a new day. so i went to meeting and smiled and spent the entire evening with gentleman friend and even fell asleep on his shoulder during a two a.m. car ride home.

and in case you were wondering, my dad is and will always be the only man i'm a sucker for. so if he texts me asking if i want to meet for coffee and newspaper reading, i will promptly stop gchatting with people who are across the room from me in the library lab, run to my car, and drive twenty-five minutes to an iced americano and a copy of the new yoker, ultimately ditching my afternoon class and almost being late to a service i am chair of. (opps, bad leadership)

so note to self: move past this breakdown. it's your birthday soon and good things will happen. i promise.

for mornings when you're not quite ready to get out of bed but it's an all-day-type of feeling.

on the semi-rare occasion my cat loves me, we spend saturday afternoons like this. and then this morning i went for gold and pushed "snooze" twice. rebel.

(butreallykillmethisweekihavetwopapersdueandamidtermtomorrowandtwomidtermsonmybirthday)

creature fear.

Friday photo-shoot and accompanying adventure. We pretty much put ourselves on the line for these beauts.

cooking with a scientist.

last night running partner and i were given the task of cooking for twelve people (six each) so we totally tag teamed it and made the juiciest pot of macaroni and cheese. to spruce it up, he added ground beef to his half and we both added fresh veggies. it turned out excellently, but running partner is a science major and therefore everything he does is methodical and completely calculated. whereas i learned to cook by eye balling ingredients and going off taste, he needed to measure everything out. (even water for boiling)

silly sci major, stick to the lab.

logical reasoning

"Sorry I can't hang out until after 11. I''m training for the LA marathon."

"What?! Damn you Aubrey, are you crazy? You can't run, you weren't built to do that."

"Well I'm learning to be built. I'll show you!"

"No, no Aub. You can run but you were built to steal and then run from the scene."

oh, okay.