Monday, June 27, 2011

it's these preconceived notions.

It took all I had not to start crying. It was like disappointing him could be the biggest offence I would make in my life and I couldn't exactly explain why. I guess it just sucks when you feel like you are the cause of all your problems. But it sucks even more when you know precisely what you want but you know you may not get it, or if you do it will be in some months (years?).
Regardless, I felt like a moron but made a steadfast self-resolve to never cry. I did that thing I do with my hands when I'm anxious and just hoped he'd remember this seemingly subconscious body language and know that I was sorry.

Sunday, June 26, 2011


She told me that I need to find what makes me happy, what makes me calm and stick at it. That I need to manually remind myself that i'm doing "such and such" to make myself better. I came up with this list:
1. yoga
2. cleaning

I cleaned a fucking lot today and it felt really nice. Like somehow getting rid of clothes was like cleansing my soul or nerves or something. But anyway, I wanted to simplify my life in 2011. This summer I'm actually gonna do it.

Also, we were in LA yesterday and it was pretty perfect. I was with my best friends and didn't feel like I was going to die for the first time in a couple weeks.

p.s. How soon is too soon to start packing for a trip? 57 days and I'm excited.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

i thought it was like magic.

It was nearly dusk when we met at the "spot" like we had done so many times before. We sat shoulder-to-shoulder with our legs dangling off the edge. The sun's dance was especially poignant that evening and I remember thinking that if I had any beliefs in a deity, this was his manifestation right then. Summer was in full force now, bringing with it the sunsets that make you wonder about the people who were here hundreds of years ago, watching the same glowing orange sun go down.

Soon I could only see the red tip of his cigarette and feel his body shift closer to mine, a protective move he often assumed when we were together but more so now to share the body warmth I needed in wearing cutoff shorts and a sleeveless top. Our transition into this phase wasn't contrived or methodically acknowledged. It was the natural evolution of two people becoming completely comfortable with each other even if we didn't know what that meant. And I wanted to bury a piece of myself in him. A piece of me that wouldn't be bothered in a place where we couldn't get hurt.

The silence was interrupted with the beginnings of nature's lullabies and our own musing of getting coffee before heading home. Later we held each other for a suspicious amount of time before I got in my car and everything was quiet again.