It took all I had not to start crying. It was like disappointing him could be the biggest offence I would make in my life and I couldn't exactly explain why. I guess it just sucks when you feel like you are the cause of all your problems. But it sucks even more when you know precisely what you want but you know you may not get it, or if you do it will be in some months (years?).
Regardless, I felt like a moron but made a steadfast self-resolve to never cry. I did that thing I do with my hands when I'm anxious and just hoped he'd remember this seemingly subconscious body language and know that I was sorry.