Sunday, July 31, 2011

everybody yelled surprise, i wasn't surprised.

They show you a place in your head where you remember why we were never meant to be alone. And you try and act surprised.

Friday, July 29, 2011

the teases. (because you won't remember this tomorrow)

You texted after midnight about some girl. I told you to "get it" because that's what friends do. We are not dating but we certainly are not just friends. We are blurred lines seen through rose-colored glasses.
The girl left like girls tend to do and we talked about missed opportunities. You texted me things you should not text a friend, especially one who is a girl, especially one who is me. It was 2am and I couldn't help but feel very alone, alone in my bed. I wanted to to be with you but you were far away and I needed to sleep.
I kept hearing my friend say, "it doesn't work out because someone always wants more."

so I keep telling myself that.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

how's your life?

I sat on a friend's patio at the beach exchanging love letters with someone who was very far away.

Don't fade away from me, okay? I wrote. Except it wasn't really a question. It felt more like I was talking to myself.

I get so anxious these days. My shoulders hurt. And every morning I have to crack my right elbow just to feel any kind of relief.

At the house, I would wake up before everyone else, drink two glasses of water, read every article about Rupert Murdoch, and stare at the beach.

I like having you's nice to have someone to share my thoughts with. Talking to myself again.

It's kind of funny how close you feel to someone who's so far away. I wasn't sure what he was doing. To be honest, I didn't ask.

That night, I got a text back.

I've been eating and sleeping well and it's raining more than ever. The downfall of Murdoch has been wonderful to watch as he has been the proverbial boogeyman who has haunted since my childhood.
As for the rest, we are both restless. There is a language we share that few others recognize. I would be lying if I said I didn't think of you fondly, and often. The functionality of being around is a door that swings both ways.
Your thoughts are embraced wherever I exist.

The air was warm; I slept outside. The ocean is beautiful at night. They say anything about the future can be so pleasurable that sometimes we'd rather think about it than get there. I was afraid. I was afraid that next time would not be as perfect as this.

I knew that when I'd see him, he'd ask me, "How's your life?" This time I wouldn't have an answer. What happens when "How's your life?" no longer becomes relevant.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

happy birthday to a dead author i love more than is probably healthy.

“Often a man wishes to be alone and a girl wishes to be alone too and if they love each other they are jealous of that in each other, but I can truly say we never felt that. We could feel alone when we were together, alone against the others … But we were never lonely and never afraid when we were together. I know that the night is not the same as the day: that all things are different, that the things of the night cannot be explained in the day, because they do not then exist, and the night can be a dreadful time for lonely people once their loneliness has started. But with Catherine there was almost no difference in the night except that it was an even better time.”

Hemingway- A Farewell to Arms

Friday, July 15, 2011

it is not pyrosis you're feeling.

the funny thing about being being non-committal is that you have absolutely no right to be jealous of girls who will probably get what you're too stubborn to allow.