Wednesday, February 23, 2011

macbook is the new facebook is the new myspace: a social experiment.

This is dedicated to the resurgence of the iconic "bathroom cell phone pic."* You know the ones where you can see toothpaste splattered on the mirror and a dirty bleach stained towel hanging in the background?** Yeah, I love those. And when there are song lyrics posted as the caption?*** Even better. And inevitable the picture subject's friend will comment either one of the two things: 1. "Looking cute!" 2. "Omg, you're so pretty."
Admittedly I'm guilty of a few of these back in the 8th and 9th grade years. Luckily no one uses myspace anymore and I'm in college and mature so obviously I use my macbook to store these pics of myself.
So here's the experiment: unfortunately I still have some dignity but in a perfect world I would post this.

Kissin on ya chest & I'm diggin out your stress

I wont stop till your finished

But you aint felt love till a gangsta get up in it


and then someone (most likely someone with the aforementioned toothpaste bathroom pic) would be like: "OMG, hey sexy!" ::insertnamelikesthis::

*SNL's Weekend Update had a spoof of this a couple weeks ago. An iphone ap that would automatically erase these mirror strains. genius.

**okay so it's not even just the middle school kids I babysit (which is somewhat justifiable) that have these pictures, some people I know (family members in their mid 20s, fml) take these.

***lyrics usually about friendship or endless summers or california or all of the above.

And the purpose of this experiment is to show that no one looks cute with toothpaste freckles seemingly all over their body while making the duck lip face and posting lyrics from a song that was cool in 2005.

So go ahead, I dare you to tell me I look cute in this picture or how much you relate to my favorite derogatory rap lyrics and you better double "like" it. We all know you're lying anyway.

Monday, February 14, 2011

the great ring incident of 2011.

Also known as, how a ring got stuck on my big ass finger for approximately 50 hours.
For my night out on the town on Saturday I wore my most recent Forever 21 purchase and newly favorite ring, this silver and faux turquoise ring that actually looks like it cost more than I paid for. It fit perfectly on my middle finger but after a night of festivities, I couldn't get it off all day yesterday. I wanted to go get a manicure because that would be a perfect gentle activity my post-21 year old body could handle. Somewhat annoyingly they make you take off all your jewelry but I'm a big jewelry person and there are two small rings I never take off and I always wear my purple Silly Band and a friendship bracelet. Anyway, I tried soap and water and bunch of other creative techniques from the "How to remove a ring from a swollen finger" page. No such luck. I went to sleep thinking it would come off the next morning because morning is when the body retains the least amount of water. Well I woke up around 4:30am because I could feel it throbbing. I dunked it in ice water, took some ibuprofen but 30 mins later it was still as swollen as ever and the ring was going no where. Enter the help of my dad. He's a former paramedic/current firefighter and deals with idiotic people and their similar accidents all the time. He attempts to saw the ring off my finger. Yes, saw. with a hack saw. It makes a shallow indent but the metal is too thick, the blade too dull, we'd be there all day. "Get dressed, we're going to the fire station," dad says and so I obey and get out of my floral night gown.
We're ringing the door bell at the station a little after 5. A sleepy fireman seemingly unfazed by having to deal with a girl with a ring stuck on her finger lets us in. It was more about the reunion between him and my dad who hadn't seen each other in awhile. It was cute to see my dad in his natural habitat. Dad: "Whoa, did you guys get a new fire engine?" Him: "Yeah, it's the Nimbus 2000!!" Just kidding, but was the Something-500.
Flashing forward almost an hour later and two firemen, three different ring cutters, a saw, some pliers, PUTTING MY HAND IN A VICE, a screw driver, me wanting to cry but instead sweating, a small cut and a big bruise later and my finger was free and my ring was split in half. Hallelujah.
Lessons learned from this story:
-don't drink and jewelry
-Chinese metal craftsmanship is on par. That sucker was indestructible, no wonder China is emerging as a top super power.
-Daddy knows best. (and that sounds creepy)
and that's my post-tragedy swollen hand! note the middle finger. thank goodness amputation was not involved. also, and somewhat unfortunately, I still had time to drive back to school for my 8am. I had really wanted to have my dad write a letter...."Dear professor, please excuse Aubrey from college as her finger was swollen with a ring stuck on it..."

Sunday, February 13, 2011

do you remember when 21 years was old?

I partly really love my birthday because I can always equate the age number with some song lyric. And so I get excited about "my song" and want to sing it all the time when it's finally February 12. The above is Phoenix and pasts include age 18, "Barely Legal" by the Strokes and ages 16 and 19 definitely had one too, I just can't remember.
Speaking of can't remember, there's a lot about last night I can't remember. Here's a blotchy recollection of what I do but in between sips of Costco brand gatorade all day today I would remember something random and it made me laugh.
In keeping with the tradition of the past four years or so, Best Friend texted me right at midnight just as a couple friends and I sprinted into the sketchiest bar in town. The bartender took a double take at my ID, looked at me, looked at his watch and said, "Oh well happy birthday!" It was official, it was 12:03.
The thing about drinking with boys is that they expect you to drink like a boy. "Tonight we have to make it to five bars!!!" Sorry brah, not going to happen. After three bars and three really strong man drinks, we settled for oatmeal at the nearest diner and I woke up in a parked car at 4am.
Fast forward a couple hours and I was in a car again headed toward LA with some of my best/closest friends. We ate at Grub (owned by a Top Chef contestant!) which was delicious, quaint, vegetarian friendly and really really good. After a 'Big Ass Ice Cream Sandwich' with a "4" candle on top we were set.
After that we met up with another friend at her friend's apartment and partook in some pre-bar hop drinks and gangster rap music videos. A grumpy taxi driver picked us up and we were off to bars in West Hollywood.
From here I'm not even going to try a play-by-play. I spent a lot of time in this one bar where I made friends with this guy who was also celebrating his birthday and whose mom's birthday was the next day. We exchanged Twitter information and basically became best friends. The bartender was particularly hot and shirtless and gave us a good deal on drinks. I spent a good deal of time bonding with this other guy talking about economics (because GDP is sexy. no really, I need to stop this habit but I can't help it. I love Milton Friedman), poker and color symbolism? There was also a bathroom and eating tootsie rolls in the bathroom (where did I get them?), taking pictures with random people when I got lost from my group, hugging this guy who was wearing the same lashes as me (I was wearing fake lashes), dancing to that new Gaga song which played a thousand times that night and finally waking up on Stephanie's couch.
I wrapped up my birthday extravaganza with a family lunch (at 11:30am, thanks mom) and have been lounging around dizzily ever since. I really love 21. I really love my friends. I am so appreciative.

edit: Songs, age 19, "Nineteen" Tegan & Sara; age 13, "Thirteen" Wilco.

Friday, February 11, 2011

i am fabulous/get it together!

Last night I had my first Tigerheat experience. Well, Tigerheat via the Palladium but gay clubbing none the less. It was Britney night and here is what I learned:
1. Creepers you don't want to dance with can help you through the crowd. On the way back from the restroom, this guy was like "hey mama" and I shook my head but he grabbed my hand so I just used that as leverage to get through the crowd and back to my little group. Score.
2. Speaking of restrooms, the "women" sign is just a suggestion. This fabulous cross-dresser, "But you don't even know if I'm a boy. We all look the same tonight!" as security told him he needed to get out of the women's restroom.
3. It's like third grade all over again, where you get mad/offended when someone cuts. (Teacher, he cutted me!) No but really. People get so offended when you even walk in front of them while they are dancing. Expect the triple finger snap, expect some middle fingers, even fights. It's great.
4. Don't drop your glasses. and be that annoying guy who crawled around the floor using his phone as a flash light.
5. Dancing does the body good. My legs were really sore the next day.

A and H said this wasn't the typical Tigerheat. The space was bigger than usual and the lights were brighter but I still had a lot of fun and I can't wait to go back. An excellent way to kick off my birthday weekend.

*oh and this title comes from a shirt some guy was wearing. he was really into his dancing. and then some other guy was telling his boyfriend, "come on Cory, get it together. Just get it together!" people watching's the best.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

what i want for my birthday.

my mom keeps asking so here's my list. i'll take either (or at least the gratification of saying i was accepted to either).