you've changed.

There is a moment in most failed relationships when the person who knows you better than you know yourself, who you love beyond anything believable, looks at you like you are a stranger. And not an interesting stranger, like someone you may see on the street for the first time, but a stranger who doesn't care to know you, with eyes full of apathy.

Apathy hurts more than anger, doesn't it?

And in that moment, nothing you could do or say could change anything. You wish you could climb inside his heart and brain and put those little grey's anatomy resuscitating paddles on them and jolt them back to life. Or shake some sense into him and show him pictures of his happy in-love face and remind him that you're still you and he's still him and you're really good together. But you're standing in front of him with your heart in your hands. He's standing in front of you and he's already gone at the same time.

And your body knows before your brain processes it.

Everything closes in around you and the air gets really thick, and your heart drops through your stomach and your skin gets so sensitive you're afraid if he touches you, you may just bruise, or bleed, or crumble.

I've probably been on the giving end of that dynamic but I can't shut off instantaneously. If I love you, I will always love you--even if I can't keep you.

But some men (and women, sure) have a special ability to switch it off and walk away. Washing their hands of you and already on to the next.

I often wish I could do that too. Wouldn't life be so much easier?

I hate that part.

it's never too early

a running list of what will be present at my 21st birthday:
-red stripe
-bean and cheese burritos
-corn bread
-cheese cake
-pumpkin pie
-the cha cha slide
-harry potter cake (chocolate inside)

edit, Jan 20:
-karaoke
-pinata

edit, Jan 21:
-"Aaron's Party," the hit song from Aaron Carter

-Drake concert (jk, it's age 21+. I just checked)

edit, Jan 28:
-"Mambo No. 5"

Ash is 21.

Today one of my bests turns twenty-one. She is beautiful and I love her. Happy birthday A!

*photo taken sometime freshman year of college. ignore my dumb expression.

little letters

i need to say the following:

dear charming boy:

it all started when i hand fed you that pie. why i did that is beyond me. am i stupid? yes, the answer is yes because you have a girlfriend. i’ve been the slutty mistress before and it’s not fun, it’s not cute, it’s not becoming. what’s worse though is that i really adored you last quarter but we both send mixed signals and then you got a girlfriend and now you’re constantly texting me smiley faces and telling me good night. stop doing that and start doing that to the girl who is probably sitting right next to you as you text me. she is going to kick my ass if you do not.

sincerely, i’m determined to keep this platonic by carrying silverware and limiting my text winky faces.

dear charming boy (again, on a different note):

thank you for being you. i enjoy spending time with you inside and outside of class. i love that we have compatible senses of humor and i think it’s sweet you want to drive us everywhere (THOUGH YOU REALLY SHOULDN’T DRIVE ME AT ALL, FUCKER)

from, aubrey, your just friend who appreciates your just friendship.

dear popcorn:

i love you so much and all your light-butter-60-calorie-per-entire-bag-goodness. thank you for being my dinner five out of seven nights a week.

love, the girl who goes through weird six-month food obsessions.

dear new friend i made at that party last weekend:

i don’t remember your name and unfortunately that’s probably because i was 80 percent more drunk than you. but our conversation was entertaining and i wanted to thank you for being patient as i slurred my words and probably made a complete ass of myself.

cheers, your drunk bff who like, isn’t sure what type of music she likes.

dear liver:

i know, i know. you really need to be clean and that’s my responsibility and i failed you. i will abstain and try harder to keep it that way.

respectfully, your irresponsible master.

dear yoga class:

i’m so happy it’s almost break and we can spend a lot more time together.

namaste, looking for my sanity after becoming neurotic during finals week.

bright tuesday before black friday.

in conjunction with Thanksgiving (hello, favorite holiday ever):

I missed my brother today so I went home and together we made lentil soup from scratch, ate popcorn and watched Lord of the Rings.

I’m thankful for his humor, his understanding of mine and how together we use this combined humor to drive my mother insane. (because sometimes she really deserves it)

this is a new kind of blues.

So unfortunate Friday continued this past week with me getting stuck in an elevator in the oldest building on campus. This was after I basically cried a little and begged my advisor to remove the ridiculous hold on my account and let me register for classes on time. So there I was stuck in an elevator just as my registration opened. Thankfully I had full cell reception and WIFI so not only was I able to Fbook status my situation, I was also able to register for 19 glorious units as I waited to be rescued.

But don't get too excited, unfortunate Friday continued and culminated last night with another fucking car incident at 10pm in a deserted parking lot. (What the fuck life, what the fuck.) Thankfully I've never taken myself too seriously or I'm sure I would have had a complete meltdown by now. Instead I find the humor in these situations, call AAA for the thirtieth time, take mental notes for my memoir (appropriately entitled Missed Opportunities)/manuscript for the sitcom about my life, channel my frustrations into school and work and continually kick my own ass with intense gym sessions.

On another note, I'm looking forward to Thursday and seeing the Potter midnight showing in Los Angeles with A. I'm already planning my character costume and ready to let my nerd flag fly high. Then Friday I'm off to Santa Barbara for the weekend to attend a conference. Work yes, but also some play and really just a great change of scenery and a shared hotel room with two hilarious and wonderful coworkers.

I'm also looking forward to Thanksgiving. Scratch that, really looking forward to Thanksgiving. Not only is it my favorite holiday but I am counting down the hours until Best Friend and the Parisians can play. I want me some fast food excursions, afternoon bike rides, and general lazying around Alexis St.

But also, I'm looking forward to getting some rest. I tried to take a night off last week and it was almost physically impossible. I felt so guilty and anxious and I've come to realize that when I'm to the point where I feel guilty about sleeping, I have a problem.

Tonight I Skyped with Mr. Hern. I miss him so much. Tennessee needs to give him back, sooner the better.

"as purty as a lady bird."

Meet Lady Bird. She was born in 2002 but adopted from a dealership in the shady part of San Bernardino when I turned sixteen in 2006. She came home in January and waited patiently in the driveway until I got my license on my birthday, February 12, 2006. She's named after President Lyndon B. Johnson's wife during a time in which I was really into presidents and their wives. The first place we went together was Barnes and Noble, the first people we drove illegally were A and some other newspaper kids to go orange picking, and our first long-distance drive was to Disneyland. Since then our adventures have included many a late-night drive to get food, multiple beach and Northern California trips, random "let's just drive for the hell of it" drives and so many memories in between. In the summer of 2007 Best Friend dubbed her 'red hot bubble car,' not because she was sexy or anything but because her air conditioning stopped working and from then it was always hit or miss. She helped me ditch high school on multiple occasions, once carried bundles of newspapers and was once filled entirely with balloons for Mrs. Bradberry's class on a rainy day. Lady's received two speeding tickets and probably a dozen parking tickets. She's lived in Redlands, Santa Cruz, Riverside and Berkeley. She's stalled in front of the Watchers' house (so scary) and in the snow at Forest Falls. Her check engine light is eternally on but that's just her way of saying hi. She's been abandoned at a couple parks and at Panera. She's met many many boys, good and bad, and kept me safe during teary drives home when I shouldn't have been driving at all. She looks best after a good washing, loves the cheap gas at ARCO and can often be found with a crusty french fry or two left over from me and hungry friends. She hit a dog one July 4th and recently ran over a bunny. She loves the UCSC sticker she's worn forever and the Sports Chalet 'I'd rather be paddling' plate frames dad and I put on ages ago. For the longest time she carried tampons, condoms and red finger paint in her trunk for late-night pranks (real mature). She loves friends and blasting Miley/Ali Lohan/International Dance Mix/The Strokes/Top 40 radio and listening to us sing badly at the top of our lungs. She's carried up to seven people at one time but is mostly used to two, specifically me and Best Friend, and she doesn't mind his cigarette smoking.

and I don't think lady will be coming home this time and it makes me really sad. Lady Bird and I grew up together and she's helped me have so much fun over the past four years. Cars really do have personalities and their own little quirks and it's hard not to be attached. Though you were a pain in the ass a lot of the time Ms. Lady Bird, I loved you so much. Best Friend said it best, "We had some good times in that car."

*photos courtesy of I's fbook. unfortunately early photos of Lady were lost when my laptop crashed.

unfortunate fridays.

the title is the understatement of the year. so for the past month or so, something ridiculous/bad/tragic has happened involving a car and me and has prevented me from attending my last class of the day.

these events include:

-rearing ending (it was barely a tap but i still cried, go figure) a car with a baby inside.

-locking my keys in the car (luckily i unknowingly dressed like a highlighter and the tow truck man could spot me a mile away.)

-losing my car (i was really tired and dressed like katy perry with cupcake boobs.)

-my car catching on fire. (see Oct. 29)

but today, a miracle: nothing bad happened.

but maybe that's because i got a parking ticket yesterday? dgjnkfdsnf!

two years ago today

we could have done something equally (more, in my opinion) awesome.

i wore this today while working the polls. well, heckling people outside the polls that is. and i had some really profound moments that made me want to cry. i really do not fit in in the ridiculously conservative inland empire but i guess the struggle-- the dealing with people constantly hating, the people going abe shit at even hearing the word 'abortion'-- of spreading our message is all the more significant in an area where people will disagree and are, quite frankly, more ignorant. anyway, i'm going to miss this internship and from what i currently see on my computer screen here at panera, mrs. boxer will win once again. mission accomplished.

why are you dressed so scary? it's halloween!

[my owl o'lantern. one of three pumpkins i carved over three days. i'm a little obsessive.]

Halloween was a rager! If you're a cat lady and only get out for weekly bingo tournaments. (not that there's anything wrong with that). But I ran into a good, old high school friend in a parking lot the other night and we stood in the rain (me in shorts), him with a dead car battery, freezing but happy to talk until 2 am.

"Aubrey, please don't be JFK for halloween. That's not sexy."

Okay so I really wanted to be JFK. Shoot me. Unfortunately not even that plan was fulfilled. Instead, I spent all day in the library with Andrew and a smuggled in pumpkin pie studying Supreme Court cases for a midterm the next day, writing a last-minute emergency article for the Highlander and stealing art supplies from the visual media room and galavanting around the U of R campus at one in the morning.

This is sadly reminiscent of last Halloween, which was spent at UCLA with A. We were both a little sick and lived it up by reading our textbooks and eating Coffee Bean scones.

Obviously, there are high expectations for Halloween '11.

Update: I just re-read this entry and noticed the JFK-shoot me pun. Not intended. I'm naturally hilarious (wink).