little letters

i need to say the following:

dear charming boy:

it all started when i hand fed you that pie. why i did that is beyond me. am i stupid? yes, the answer is yes because you have a girlfriend. i’ve been the slutty mistress before and it’s not fun, it’s not cute, it’s not becoming. what’s worse though is that i really adored you last quarter but we both send mixed signals and then you got a girlfriend and now you’re constantly texting me smiley faces and telling me good night. stop doing that and start doing that to the girl who is probably sitting right next to you as you text me. she is going to kick my ass if you do not.

sincerely, i’m determined to keep this platonic by carrying silverware and limiting my text winky faces.

dear charming boy (again, on a different note):

thank you for being you. i enjoy spending time with you inside and outside of class. i love that we have compatible senses of humor and i think it’s sweet you want to drive us everywhere (THOUGH YOU REALLY SHOULDN’T DRIVE ME AT ALL, FUCKER)

from, aubrey, your just friend who appreciates your just friendship.

dear popcorn:

i love you so much and all your light-butter-60-calorie-per-entire-bag-goodness. thank you for being my dinner five out of seven nights a week.

love, the girl who goes through weird six-month food obsessions.

dear new friend i made at that party last weekend:

i don’t remember your name and unfortunately that’s probably because i was 80 percent more drunk than you. but our conversation was entertaining and i wanted to thank you for being patient as i slurred my words and probably made a complete ass of myself.

cheers, your drunk bff who like, isn’t sure what type of music she likes.

dear liver:

i know, i know. you really need to be clean and that’s my responsibility and i failed you. i will abstain and try harder to keep it that way.

respectfully, your irresponsible master.

dear yoga class:

i’m so happy it’s almost break and we can spend a lot more time together.

namaste, looking for my sanity after becoming neurotic during finals week.