aug. 7-13

a lot of sentimental moments and tears in the shower. stupid, stupid mistakes that are humorous only in retrospect. another year makes five. i lost your grandmother's ring and was probably more upset about that than i ever i was about losing you. i'm breathing your air for the next couple days and hugging my dad every chance i get.

fresh header

1. tribute to (one of) my hero, carly simon.
2. miss late nights listening to this with partner in crime.
3. self-evident.
4. irony.

your cell phone "favorites" and how i couldn't explain why.

You had me thinking about time and space and it all made me very sad and I couldn't explain why. I stumbled around Berkeley with whiskey in my blood and tears streaming down my face. You mustn't run from the truth in front of you, I remember thinking. I passed a drifter who asked if I was a mugger. I shook my head and asked if he was. He said no and we continued on our intersecting journeys of solitude. A friend once told me how he was able to eliminate people from his life once he felt like they couldn't contribute to his growth anymore. I had thought he was the most selfish person in the world but suddenly I was thinking he was on to something. I was thinking it would be so much easier if we just quit now, if we stopped pretending nothing was happening, if we stopped pretending like I wasn't going to miss you when you're gone. But I looked at you that night and saw almost seven years. Looks from across a crowded room and knowing. Key words and sideways smiles. Gestures reserved for only each other. Hours and hours, just the two of us. Your tendencies. Another friend told me whiskey makes men confrontational. Naturally, I was the complete opposite and didn't care regardless. You admitted I was number two favorites in your phone. Number two if anything went wrong. Number two if anything went right. It was jubilant yet heart breaking and I couldn't explain why. I guess I didn't need to. My baby cousin was sick at the house. I didn't have a key. It was late and the fog was getting thick. I thought about calling you. Habits. I'll have so many habits to break next year.

everybody yelled surprise, i wasn't surprised.

They show you a place in your head where you remember why we were never meant to be alone. And you try and act surprised.

the teases. (because you won't remember this tomorrow)

You texted after midnight about some girl. I told you to "get it" because that's what friends do. We are not dating but we certainly are not just friends. We are blurred lines seen through rose-colored glasses.
The girl left like girls tend to do and we talked about missed opportunities. You texted me things you should not text a friend, especially one who is a girl, especially one who is me. It was 2am and I couldn't help but feel very alone, alone in my bed. I wanted to to be with you but you were far away and I needed to sleep.
I kept hearing my friend say, "it doesn't work out because someone always wants more."

so I keep telling myself that.

how's your life?

I sat on a friend's patio at the beach exchanging love letters with someone who was very far away.

Don't fade away from me, okay? I wrote. Except it wasn't really a question. It felt more like I was talking to myself.

I get so anxious these days. My shoulders hurt. And every morning I have to crack my right elbow just to feel any kind of relief.

At the house, I would wake up before everyone else, drink two glasses of water, read every article about Rupert Murdoch, and stare at the beach.

I like having you around...it's nice to have someone to share my thoughts with. Talking to myself again.

It's kind of funny how close you feel to someone who's so far away. I wasn't sure what he was doing. To be honest, I didn't ask.

That night, I got a text back.

I've been eating and sleeping well and it's raining more than ever. The downfall of Murdoch has been wonderful to watch as he has been the proverbial boogeyman who has haunted since my childhood.
As for the rest, we are both restless. There is a language we share that few others recognize. I would be lying if I said I didn't think of you fondly, and often. The functionality of being around is a door that swings both ways.
Your thoughts are embraced wherever I exist.

The air was warm; I slept outside. The ocean is beautiful at night. They say anything about the future can be so pleasurable that sometimes we'd rather think about it than get there. I was afraid. I was afraid that next time would not be as perfect as this.

I knew that when I'd see him, he'd ask me, "How's your life?" This time I wouldn't have an answer. What happens when "How's your life?" no longer becomes relevant.

one day i'll explain how this was the best text i've ever received from you:

"i told you i wouldn't."

happy birthday to a dead author i love more than is probably healthy.

“Often a man wishes to be alone and a girl wishes to be alone too and if they love each other they are jealous of that in each other, but I can truly say we never felt that. We could feel alone when we were together, alone against the others … But we were never lonely and never afraid when we were together. I know that the night is not the same as the day: that all things are different, that the things of the night cannot be explained in the day, because they do not then exist, and the night can be a dreadful time for lonely people once their loneliness has started. But with Catherine there was almost no difference in the night except that it was an even better time.”

Hemingway- A Farewell to Arms

it is not pyrosis you're feeling.

the funny thing about being being non-committal is that you have absolutely no right to be jealous of girls who will probably get what you're too stubborn to allow.

it's these preconceived notions.

It took all I had not to start crying. It was like disappointing him could be the biggest offence I would make in my life and I couldn't exactly explain why. I guess it just sucks when you feel like you are the cause of all your problems. But it sucks even more when you know precisely what you want but you know you may not get it, or if you do it will be in some months (years?).
Regardless, I felt like a moron but made a steadfast self-resolve to never cry. I did that thing I do with my hands when I'm anxious and just hoped he'd remember this seemingly subconscious body language and know that I was sorry.