do you remember when 21 years was old?

I partly really love my birthday because I can always equate the age number with some song lyric. And so I get excited about "my song" and want to sing it all the time when it's finally February 12. The above is Phoenix and pasts include age 18, "Barely Legal" by the Strokes and ages 16 and 19 definitely had one too, I just can't remember.

Speaking of can't remember, there's a lot about last night I can't remember. Here's a blotchy recollection of what I do but in between sips of Costco brand gatorade all day today I would remember something random and it made me laugh.

In keeping with the tradition of the past four years or so, Best Friend texted me right at midnight just as a couple friends and I sprinted into the sketchiest bar in town. The bartender took a double take at my ID, looked at me, looked at his watch and said, "Oh well happy birthday!" It was official, it was 12:03.

The thing about drinking with boys is that they expect you to drink like a boy. "Tonight we have to make it to five bars!!!" Sorry brah, not going to happen. After three bars and three really strong man drinks, we settled for oatmeal at the nearest diner and I woke up in a parked car at 4am.

Fast forward a couple hours and I was in a car again headed toward LA with some of my best/closest friends. We ate at Grub (owned by a Top Chef contestant!) which was delicious, quaint, vegetarian friendly and really really good. After a 'Big Ass Ice Cream Sandwich' with a "4" candle on top we were set.

After that we met up with another friend at her friend's apartment and partook in some pre-bar hop drinks and gangster rap music videos. A grumpy taxi driver picked us up and we were off to bars in West Hollywood.

From here I'm not even going to try a play-by-play. I spent a lot of time in this one bar where I made friends with this guy who was also celebrating his birthday and whose mom's birthday was the next day. We exchanged Twitter information and basically became best friends. The bartender was particularly hot and shirtless and gave us a good deal on drinks. I spent a good deal of time bonding with this other guy talking about economics (because GDP is sexy. no really, I need to stop this habit but I can't help it. I love Milton Friedman), poker and color symbolism? There was also a bathroom and eating tootsie rolls in the bathroom (where did I get them?), taking pictures with random people when I got lost from my group, hugging this guy who was wearing the same lashes as me (I was wearing fake lashes), dancing to that new Gaga song which played a thousand times that night and finally waking up on Stephanie's couch.

I wrapped up my birthday extravaganza with a family lunch (at 11:30am, thanks mom) and have been lounging around dizzily ever since. I really love 21. I really love my friends. I am so appreciative.

edit: Songs, age 19, "Nineteen" Tegan & Sara; age 13, "Thirteen" Wilco.

i am fabulous/get it together!

Last night I had my first Tigerheat experience. Well, Tigerheat via the Palladium but gay clubbing none the less. It was Britney night and here is what I learned:

1. Creepers you don't want to dance with can help you through the crowd. On the way back from the restroom, this guy was like "hey mama" and I shook my head but he grabbed my hand so I just used that as leverage to get through the crowd and back to my little group. Score.

2. Speaking of restrooms, the "women" sign is just a suggestion. This fabulous cross-dresser, "But you don't even know if I'm a boy. We all look the same tonight!" as security told him he needed to get out of the women's restroom.

3. It's like third grade all over again, where you get mad/offended when someone cuts. (Teacher, he cutted me!) No but really. People get so offended when you even walk in front of them while they are dancing. Expect the triple finger snap, expect some middle fingers, even fights. It's great.

4. Don't drop your glasses. and be that annoying guy who crawled around the floor using his phone as a flash light.

5. Dancing does the body good. My legs were really sore the next day.

A and H said this wasn't the typical Tigerheat. The space was bigger than usual and the lights were brighter but I still had a lot of fun and I can't wait to go back. An excellent way to kick off my birthday weekend.

*oh and this title comes from a shirt some guy was wearing. he was really into his dancing. and then some other guy was telling his boyfriend, "come on Cory, get it together. Just get it together!" people watching's the best.

what i want for my birthday.

my mom keeps asking so here's my list. i'll take either (or at least the gratification of saying i was accepted to either).

hola ombre!

This weekend I kept thinking about how I've been wanting to dye my hair in the 'ombre' style (like what I did with the title up there?) So I took a study break, bought a highlighting kit and did it. and you kind of can't even tell because my hair naturally has random blonde/copper highlights. Anyway.

*post-8am midterm aggression face.

-Last week was taxing and come Friday, nothing sounded better than my cozy bed, 30 Rock and the two episodes of Pretty Little Liars I missed, and an apple with peanut butter. So that's exactly what I did. No shame.

-Saturday night I headed to LA for A's boy's birthday. Since when do my friends turn 23?! There was plenty of dancing and therefore a happy me despite the fact that I smacked my forehead into a car door and got a baby black eye/broken brow bone? It really feels like it. Hah!

-Also, this gem ceaselessly played in my head during my midterm on Friday. This song was awesome in 1999 when my friends and I used to make dance circles as we each pretended to be a girl in the song. I secretly wanted to be "Jessica" but my friend Jessica was "Jessica" so I settled for Rita. Unfortunately, thinking of this song for the first time in eleven years did not help me with econometrics.

-I just finished a midterm and am now in the lib preparing for a week of econ. It's week 5 and you gotta stay on it, ya know? But so we had this midterm but before this guy was telling me abut his girl's DUI, her 180 day prison sentence and his skye interview with her attorney. COOL STORY BRO.

so this girl has been harassing me since I was 18-years-old and all i keep thinking about is Conan.

aka I'm almost 21 and I still have a bully.

Since I watched, and cried to, Conan's farewell speech [http://youtu.be/isfHFfI81xU] on the Tonight Show over a year ago, I feel like his wisdom is applicable to so many situations. I question where/if my heart belongs to and if my beliefs coincide with any religion but what I do know is this: I truly believe in karma and that what we put into this world, that energy, will ultimately come back to us. (which is really a foundational philosophy for many religions but let's not get too deep.)

And so I mentor a second grade girl who is also currently dealing with a bully and I was wondering how I could possible tell this small child that she will grow up and everything will be okay, when I myself am still being belittled as a grown adult? And aside from wanting to get angry/be a victim and cry/I don't know, honestly hurt her (my dad didn't put me through six years of karate for nothing), I want to ask this bully if she realizes she is acting like a 7 year old child. I want to know if she takes pleasure in being a bitch (don't answer that, I'm sure you do and it's lame and it's pathetic). But I don't take such pleasure. And I'm not sure if I ever could.

I don't even know where I'm getting with this but to my sweet beautiful little friend Ella, be kind. Always always choose kindness.

atta girl Aub/you go glen coco!

I don't like the word "resolution" because I feel like I set myself up for failure (I'm a realist). So in honor of the resolutions I could have made but didn't, I present the following:

#1: Don't make unnecessary purchases. (these beautiful vintage clogs are obviously the exception)

#2: Cut back on the sugar intake. (after I proceed to finish an entire bag of these peanut butter-filled babies over the span of three days)

#3: Drink less coffee. Honestly, I'm not that bad and on top of that I've even cut down. Coffee is more of a treat now (every other day or once a day) while copious amounts of green/black tea is daily.

#4: Stop embarrassing myself. (but I'm such a sucker for poorly done photoshop...)

So twenty days into the new year, and all my hypothetical resolutions are thrown out the window. But resolutions, who needs them? Instead, I set goals!

Goals for 2011 I will actually accomplish:

-greens everyday. most acceptably at least one salad a day.

-cook most meals at home. should be easy if I take the time & will save money honey.

-yoga, pilates, cycle class all at least twice a week.

-improved organization. personal space-wise and school-wise.

-be more sustainable. (ignore the paper cup above. that was truly once) recycle more, use reusable mugs/water canteen all the time.

-highly edit internet/tv usage. instead fill with books and outdoor adventures.

-4.0 gpa!

all the rest are too embarrassing for this public forum.

it's not easy being green.

Meet the green monster. I discovered the green monster on a baking blog and decided to incorporate it to upgrade my breakfast protein shake.

Old shake:

1 banana

some "light" plain soymilk (i eyeball it)

.5-1 scoop soy protein powder

some crushed ice

& blend til smooth.

New "green monster" shake:

1 banana

"light" plain soymilk

.5-1 scoop soy protein powder

handful fresh spinach (chop it up a little for a smoother texture)

smaller handful fresh kale

some crushed ice

blend, and ta da! a delicious nutritious breakfast.

bringing in 2011 by...moving furniture?

Yeah we did. But not for the whole night. I had taken some hilarious pictures of us via my phone at exactly midnight but I guess I didn't think to save them. Instead, here's a picture of S and J getting ready to move furniture. It really was a perfect NYE, though.

too young for morals

I rang in January with my best friend by dancing, singing and rapping (it was real) until we eventually passed out. We had a Harry Potter moment while hiking in the forest where we vowed "things [were] really gonna change for us." I continued to adjust to my new school and made a lot of effort to do well with my job at the newspaper. I got back into biking after the great 'Hit By A Car Incident of 2009' and made a resolve to change my perspective.

In February I found the perfect red cowboy boots I'd been searching for and ridiculously wore them everywhere. I dyed my hair dark brown for fun and spent rainy days baking and knitting. A couple sweet friends surprised me at midnight on my birthday with wine and chocolate cake and I spent the next week eating treats because it was still my birthday week. I got my first tattoo, went on sweet dates with sweet boys and wore my power suit on fun assignments. I also went on fancy all-expenses-paid trip to Sacramento to lobby against some of California's scariest Republican reps.

In March I took a solo trip north to visit S in Fresno for some much needed heart to heart time. A trip wouldn't have been successful without a visit to Berkeley for coffee dates and co-op parties.

In April I held a grown man in my arms while he cried and after stood on a mountain with him and talked about how it's okay to be angry sometimes. I crashed my car into another car (don't worry, it was my dad's and he was only a little mad) and accidentally rolled down a hill at 2am that same night.

In May I celebrated a year since my third heart surgery. I made preparations to move to Berkeley for the summer and got really distracted from school when my friends came home. I started training for a half marathon the Parisians signed on for together.

In June I spent afternoons in parks with iced tea/coffee and good books. Best friend and I packed up my little car and made the long night drive to Berkeley, complete with a spontaneous glow stick party on the highway to start off a summer that was filled with Katy Perry duets. I went to a concert festival where I was totally spoiled by strangers' kindness, wandered around in an intoxicated stupor and found contention in my lack of showering. I started summer school, went to yoga everyday and went to concerts in record stores.

In July I continued to intern for a politician and reaped the benefits of free donuts. I walked everywhere in the Bay area and met up with friends in Santa Cruz and San Francisco. I celebrated Independence with A and D and had shady encounters late at night.

In August we celebrated best friend's birthday with a delicious coffee cake and a birthday party on the roof complete with late night/early morning McFlurries and "Dirty Harry." I moved home from Berkeley after school ended and spent every night out late with lovely people.

In September I had an incident with a good man friend and now we don't really talk much but I'm wiser now. I went to Berkeley again and finally went to a dance party like I had wanted all summer. I cooked delicious food for a house of people and watched boys pee on the sides of buildings.

In October I started an internship with Barbara Boxer and was harassed for being a liberal in a predominately conservative area. I met a childhood friend for the first time and it didn't work out but we still ate delicious food and managed some passive aggressive humor. I saw Arcade Fire in concert and fell in love. I ran and finished a half marathon and managed to make some people unhappy in doing so but life's not about living to please other people and ultimately my spirit soared so that's all that matters. I took long drives with my brother and found comfort in his forever-friendship. I spent Halloween dressed up like JFK while studying for a midterm.

In November I moved and moved again and got extra prepared for the holidays by eating cranberry sauce every day. I got held up and almost-attacked by a man at Little Cesars but laughed it off and spent the night LSAT studying and eating donuts. I went to a conference in Santa Barbara and danced under the stars. I became even better friends with some oldies and quoted Mean Girls way too much. My car caught on fire and I got stuck in elevator but it reminded me not to take anything too seriously.

In December I danced in the rain. I went on hikes and cooked with friends late at night. My heart hurt a little for missed opportunities. One week, I went to the movie theater four nights in a row. I went on day time adventures and felt guilty for relaxing my tired-from-finals brain. I had a scare and 911 came but one of the medics looked like Seth Rogan. I also had a really intense cough but I'm better now.

I began 2010 slightly jaded and no one should ever be. My motto for the year was "too young for morals" and though at the time, I meant that in sort of a self-destructive, "I don't give a shit" way, it became more about new experiences and taking risks. 2010, (holy goodness that sounds so futuristic! but so archaic) you were really good to me. I'll see you on the other side.

you've changed.

There is a moment in most failed relationships when the person who knows you better than you know yourself, who you love beyond anything believable, looks at you like you are a stranger. And not an interesting stranger, like someone you may see on the street for the first time, but a stranger who doesn't care to know you, with eyes full of apathy.

Apathy hurts more than anger, doesn't it?

And in that moment, nothing you could do or say could change anything. You wish you could climb inside his heart and brain and put those little grey's anatomy resuscitating paddles on them and jolt them back to life. Or shake some sense into him and show him pictures of his happy in-love face and remind him that you're still you and he's still him and you're really good together. But you're standing in front of him with your heart in your hands. He's standing in front of you and he's already gone at the same time.

And your body knows before your brain processes it.

Everything closes in around you and the air gets really thick, and your heart drops through your stomach and your skin gets so sensitive you're afraid if he touches you, you may just bruise, or bleed, or crumble.

I've probably been on the giving end of that dynamic but I can't shut off instantaneously. If I love you, I will always love you--even if I can't keep you.

But some men (and women, sure) have a special ability to switch it off and walk away. Washing their hands of you and already on to the next.

I often wish I could do that too. Wouldn't life be so much easier?

I hate that part.