i'm sorry we lied.

After months of trial, I've come to the conclusion that "out of sight, out of mind" isn't completely fool proof. It always hurts most when B asks my feelings about such after we've had a glass or two. (He's such a punk for knowing I'll always fall for it) But it's true. I miss you most in those dumb moments I'm dying to tell someone my latest news. B fills a void but watching youtube videos and sharing a couple tacos isn't the same. B understands and says it's because "out of sight, out of mind" doesn't change the insides of your heart.

"We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves."

on changing the trajectory of your life.

There came a point where I was staring cold hard reality in the face and I couldn't avoid anything any longer. I know of kids my age who became jaded and complacent and I guess I'm lucky in that I've realized my life is passing me by long before it's beginning to happen. We lie awake at night and wonder how young can you be to die from old age. But it's strange to have to do a complete 180 or get a bird's eye view of your life and everything you do and everything you think and how it may all be wrong.
These realizations all stem from one cold night over a Thanksgiving holiday weekend where we sat in the car in a fast food parking lot in the middle of suburbia. Toxins ran rampant in our blood streams and we wondered if we were capable of loving anyone more than we love ourselves. Vanity isn't what I'm getting at though because it's the most selfless thing even if I can't explain how. People just romanticize the idea of themselves a whole lot more than is realistic. Then there was that other time we were in bed and he asked me to hold him for three minutes before it was time to get up. Three is such an arbitrary number and I remember smirking at the idea but I don't even think I lasted one minute before I started to get anxious and needed to get up. And then there's this practice where I can love and leave and for the most part it's not a big deal. So is it intimacy? I don't think so but you tell me. I've been called a bitch because I had an opinion. Before then was an entirely different situation where I completely lost myself and promised I would never go back to that and he could never understand. So if bitches are girls who have priorities outside their romantic relationship, then I'm okay with that.

If this doesn't make sense at all then just know I'm stringing together several situations and how they may or may not have lead to me automatically waking up at 3:30 am for a week straight. It's the shit that keeps you up at night (or in my case, gets you up); that leads to you lamenting over relics of the past and farfetched hypotheticals at the same time; that leads to you so absentminded you don't remember if you stopped for that red light; that leads to you and your fucking academic adviser crying in her office on a Wednesday.

But if "hitting rock bottom" means I have a well-paying and stable job, people who love, people to love, and food in my stomach, then this rock isn't so hard and I should just grow the fuck up.

thinking about.

i'm going to get my life together tonight, i get too invested in work but i like it here, the solution to drinking too much coffee is to drink more coffee, the solution to being sore from yoga is to do more yoga, i left a piece of my heart in minnesota and the rest is breaking a little more each day, i can't wait to eat thai food tomorrow, current obsessions include u.s. open and ny fashion week, i might never get tired of listening to phoenix, i want to wear a cable knit sweater and drink seasonal lattes, for now i'll wear a tank top and eat pumpkin pie in the 85 degree sun.

cheap thrills.

loving each other unprotectedly and lounging in the sun unprotectedly.
"i don't know if we should be doing this."
"it's ok Aub. we just live faster than some people."

10,000 lakes and a lotta love.

It was so funny to meet all these people I share blood with. To see what I've been missing for twenty-one years; the good and the bad. "You're so brave" they all kept saying but really, I didn't think about it. And my cousin G and how I am so in love with his life, with him, with his home, and with his friends. A group of hard working guys who are the least pretentious, most attentive and wonderful people I've ever met. I've always been sort of a guy's girl but now I kind of want to go back and be ridiculous with them forever.

aug. 7-13

a lot of sentimental moments and tears in the shower. stupid, stupid mistakes that are humorous only in retrospect. another year makes five. i lost your grandmother's ring and was probably more upset about that than i ever i was about losing you. i'm breathing your air for the next couple days and hugging my dad every chance i get.

fresh header

1. tribute to (one of) my hero, carly simon.
2. miss late nights listening to this with partner in crime.
3. self-evident.
4. irony.

your cell phone "favorites" and how i couldn't explain why.

You had me thinking about time and space and it all made me very sad and I couldn't explain why. I stumbled around Berkeley with whiskey in my blood and tears streaming down my face. You mustn't run from the truth in front of you, I remember thinking. I passed a drifter who asked if I was a mugger. I shook my head and asked if he was. He said no and we continued on our intersecting journeys of solitude. A friend once told me how he was able to eliminate people from his life once he felt like they couldn't contribute to his growth anymore. I had thought he was the most selfish person in the world but suddenly I was thinking he was on to something. I was thinking it would be so much easier if we just quit now, if we stopped pretending nothing was happening, if we stopped pretending like I wasn't going to miss you when you're gone. But I looked at you that night and saw almost seven years. Looks from across a crowded room and knowing. Key words and sideways smiles. Gestures reserved for only each other. Hours and hours, just the two of us. Your tendencies. Another friend told me whiskey makes men confrontational. Naturally, I was the complete opposite and didn't care regardless. You admitted I was number two favorites in your phone. Number two if anything went wrong. Number two if anything went right. It was jubilant yet heart breaking and I couldn't explain why. I guess I didn't need to. My baby cousin was sick at the house. I didn't have a key. It was late and the fog was getting thick. I thought about calling you. Habits. I'll have so many habits to break next year.

everybody yelled surprise, i wasn't surprised.

They show you a place in your head where you remember why we were never meant to be alone. And you try and act surprised.

the teases. (because you won't remember this tomorrow)

You texted after midnight about some girl. I told you to "get it" because that's what friends do. We are not dating but we certainly are not just friends. We are blurred lines seen through rose-colored glasses.
The girl left like girls tend to do and we talked about missed opportunities. You texted me things you should not text a friend, especially one who is a girl, especially one who is me. It was 2am and I couldn't help but feel very alone, alone in my bed. I wanted to to be with you but you were far away and I needed to sleep.
I kept hearing my friend say, "it doesn't work out because someone always wants more."

so I keep telling myself that.

how's your life?

I sat on a friend's patio at the beach exchanging love letters with someone who was very far away.

Don't fade away from me, okay? I wrote. Except it wasn't really a question. It felt more like I was talking to myself.

I get so anxious these days. My shoulders hurt. And every morning I have to crack my right elbow just to feel any kind of relief.

At the house, I would wake up before everyone else, drink two glasses of water, read every article about Rupert Murdoch, and stare at the beach.

I like having you around...it's nice to have someone to share my thoughts with. Talking to myself again.

It's kind of funny how close you feel to someone who's so far away. I wasn't sure what he was doing. To be honest, I didn't ask.

That night, I got a text back.

I've been eating and sleeping well and it's raining more than ever. The downfall of Murdoch has been wonderful to watch as he has been the proverbial boogeyman who has haunted since my childhood.
As for the rest, we are both restless. There is a language we share that few others recognize. I would be lying if I said I didn't think of you fondly, and often. The functionality of being around is a door that swings both ways.
Your thoughts are embraced wherever I exist.

The air was warm; I slept outside. The ocean is beautiful at night. They say anything about the future can be so pleasurable that sometimes we'd rather think about it than get there. I was afraid. I was afraid that next time would not be as perfect as this.

I knew that when I'd see him, he'd ask me, "How's your life?" This time I wouldn't have an answer. What happens when "How's your life?" no longer becomes relevant.

one day i'll explain how this was the best text i've ever received from you:

"i told you i wouldn't."

happy birthday to a dead author i love more than is probably healthy.

“Often a man wishes to be alone and a girl wishes to be alone too and if they love each other they are jealous of that in each other, but I can truly say we never felt that. We could feel alone when we were together, alone against the others … But we were never lonely and never afraid when we were together. I know that the night is not the same as the day: that all things are different, that the things of the night cannot be explained in the day, because they do not then exist, and the night can be a dreadful time for lonely people once their loneliness has started. But with Catherine there was almost no difference in the night except that it was an even better time.”

Hemingway- A Farewell to Arms

it is not pyrosis you're feeling.

the funny thing about being being non-committal is that you have absolutely no right to be jealous of girls who will probably get what you're too stubborn to allow.

it's these preconceived notions.

It took all I had not to start crying. It was like disappointing him could be the biggest offence I would make in my life and I couldn't exactly explain why. I guess it just sucks when you feel like you are the cause of all your problems. But it sucks even more when you know precisely what you want but you know you may not get it, or if you do it will be in some months (years?).
Regardless, I felt like a moron but made a steadfast self-resolve to never cry. I did that thing I do with my hands when I'm anxious and just hoped he'd remember this seemingly subconscious body language and know that I was sorry.

neurosis.

She told me that I need to find what makes me happy, what makes me calm and stick at it. That I need to manually remind myself that i'm doing "such and such" to make myself better. I came up with this list:
1. yoga
2. cleaning

I cleaned a fucking lot today and it felt really nice. Like somehow getting rid of clothes was like cleansing my soul or nerves or something. But anyway, I wanted to simplify my life in 2011. This summer I'm actually gonna do it.

Also, we were in LA yesterday and it was pretty perfect. I was with my best friends and didn't feel like I was going to die for the first time in a couple weeks.

p.s. How soon is too soon to start packing for a trip? 57 days and I'm excited.

i thought it was like magic.

It was nearly dusk when we met at the "spot" like we had done so many times before. We sat shoulder-to-shoulder with our legs dangling off the edge. The sun's dance was especially poignant that evening and I remember thinking that if I had any beliefs in a deity, this was his manifestation right then. Summer was in full force now, bringing with it the sunsets that make you wonder about the people who were here hundreds of years ago, watching the same glowing orange sun go down.

Soon I could only see the red tip of his cigarette and feel his body shift closer to mine, a protective move he often assumed when we were together but more so now to share the body warmth I needed in wearing cutoff shorts and a sleeveless top. Our transition into this phase wasn't contrived or methodically acknowledged. It was the natural evolution of two people becoming completely comfortable with each other even if we didn't know what that meant. And I wanted to bury a piece of myself in him. A piece of me that wouldn't be bothered in a place where we couldn't get hurt.

The silence was interrupted with the beginnings of nature's lullabies and our own musing of getting coffee before heading home. Later we held each other for a suspicious amount of time before I got in my car and everything was quiet again.

i started a law blog.

http://aubloblawslawblog.tumblr.com/

check it out.

best week ever.

Does anyone remember that VH1 show, "Best Week Ever"? I used to watch it all the time in 8-9th grade. Anyway, at the end they would always announce who or what was having the best week ever. If that show was still alive it might go like this:
MR. PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA, YOU ARE HAVING THE BEST WEEK EVER !!!

this week made me cry a lot and this (Mr. O's speech announcing the death of Bin Laden) was one of the reasons why. Maybe death isn't something to celebrate but seeing America happy and celebratory warmed my heart. You're embarrassing sometimes, but I like you America.