i'm sorry we lied.

After months of trial, I've come to the conclusion that "out of sight, out of mind" isn't completely fool proof. It always hurts most when B asks my feelings about such after we've had a glass or two. (He's such a punk for knowing I'll always fall for it) But it's true. I miss you most in those dumb moments I'm dying to tell someone my latest news. B fills a void but watching youtube videos and sharing a couple tacos isn't the same. B understands and says it's because "out of sight, out of mind" doesn't change the insides of your heart.

"We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves."

on changing the trajectory of your life.

There came a point where I was staring cold hard reality in the face and I couldn't avoid anything any longer. I know of kids my age who became jaded and complacent and I guess I'm lucky in that I've realized my life is passing me by long before it's beginning to happen. We lie awake at night and wonder how young can you be to die from old age. But it's strange to have to do a complete 180 or get a bird's eye view of your life and everything you do and everything you think and how it may all be wrong.
These realizations all stem from one cold night over a Thanksgiving holiday weekend where we sat in the car in a fast food parking lot in the middle of suburbia. Toxins ran rampant in our blood streams and we wondered if we were capable of loving anyone more than we love ourselves. Vanity isn't what I'm getting at though because it's the most selfless thing even if I can't explain how. People just romanticize the idea of themselves a whole lot more than is realistic. Then there was that other time we were in bed and he asked me to hold him for three minutes before it was time to get up. Three is such an arbitrary number and I remember smirking at the idea but I don't even think I lasted one minute before I started to get anxious and needed to get up. And then there's this practice where I can love and leave and for the most part it's not a big deal. So is it intimacy? I don't think so but you tell me. I've been called a bitch because I had an opinion. Before then was an entirely different situation where I completely lost myself and promised I would never go back to that and he could never understand. So if bitches are girls who have priorities outside their romantic relationship, then I'm okay with that.

If this doesn't make sense at all then just know I'm stringing together several situations and how they may or may not have lead to me automatically waking up at 3:30 am for a week straight. It's the shit that keeps you up at night (or in my case, gets you up); that leads to you lamenting over relics of the past and farfetched hypotheticals at the same time; that leads to you so absentminded you don't remember if you stopped for that red light; that leads to you and your fucking academic adviser crying in her office on a Wednesday.

But if "hitting rock bottom" means I have a well-paying and stable job, people who love, people to love, and food in my stomach, then this rock isn't so hard and I should just grow the fuck up.

thinking about.

i'm going to get my life together tonight, i get too invested in work but i like it here, the solution to drinking too much coffee is to drink more coffee, the solution to being sore from yoga is to do more yoga, i left a piece of my heart in minnesota and the rest is breaking a little more each day, i can't wait to eat thai food tomorrow, current obsessions include u.s. open and ny fashion week, i might never get tired of listening to phoenix, i want to wear a cable knit sweater and drink seasonal lattes, for now i'll wear a tank top and eat pumpkin pie in the 85 degree sun.

cheap thrills.

loving each other unprotectedly and lounging in the sun unprotectedly.
"i don't know if we should be doing this."
"it's ok Aub. we just live faster than some people."

10,000 lakes and a lotta love.

It was so funny to meet all these people I share blood with. To see what I've been missing for twenty-one years; the good and the bad. "You're so brave" they all kept saying but really, I didn't think about it. And my cousin G and how I am so in love with his life, with him, with his home, and with his friends. A group of hard working guys who are the least pretentious, most attentive and wonderful people I've ever met. I've always been sort of a guy's girl but now I kind of want to go back and be ridiculous with them forever.

aug. 7-13

a lot of sentimental moments and tears in the shower. stupid, stupid mistakes that are humorous only in retrospect. another year makes five. i lost your grandmother's ring and was probably more upset about that than i ever i was about losing you. i'm breathing your air for the next couple days and hugging my dad every chance i get.

fresh header

1. tribute to (one of) my hero, carly simon.
2. miss late nights listening to this with partner in crime.
3. self-evident.
4. irony.

your cell phone "favorites" and how i couldn't explain why.

You had me thinking about time and space and it all made me very sad and I couldn't explain why. I stumbled around Berkeley with whiskey in my blood and tears streaming down my face. You mustn't run from the truth in front of you, I remember thinking. I passed a drifter who asked if I was a mugger. I shook my head and asked if he was. He said no and we continued on our intersecting journeys of solitude. A friend once told me how he was able to eliminate people from his life once he felt like they couldn't contribute to his growth anymore. I had thought he was the most selfish person in the world but suddenly I was thinking he was on to something. I was thinking it would be so much easier if we just quit now, if we stopped pretending nothing was happening, if we stopped pretending like I wasn't going to miss you when you're gone. But I looked at you that night and saw almost seven years. Looks from across a crowded room and knowing. Key words and sideways smiles. Gestures reserved for only each other. Hours and hours, just the two of us. Your tendencies. Another friend told me whiskey makes men confrontational. Naturally, I was the complete opposite and didn't care regardless. You admitted I was number two favorites in your phone. Number two if anything went wrong. Number two if anything went right. It was jubilant yet heart breaking and I couldn't explain why. I guess I didn't need to. My baby cousin was sick at the house. I didn't have a key. It was late and the fog was getting thick. I thought about calling you. Habits. I'll have so many habits to break next year.

everybody yelled surprise, i wasn't surprised.

They show you a place in your head where you remember why we were never meant to be alone. And you try and act surprised.