you're so vain

i'm sorry we lied.

2011-11-01T20:31:00.000-07:00

After months of trial, I've come to the conclusion that "out of sight, out of mind" isn't completely fool proof. It always hurts most when B asks my feelings about such after we've had a glass or two. (He's such a punk for knowing I'll always fall for it) But it's true. I miss you most in those dumb moments I'm dying to tell someone my latest news. B fills a void but watching youtube videos and sharing a couple tacos isn't the same. B understands and says it's because "out of sight, out of mind" doesn't change the insides of your heart.

2011-10-10T13:39:00.000-07:00

"We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves."

on changing the trajectory of your life.

2011-09-21T23:37:00.000-07:00

There came a point where I was staring cold hard reality in the face and I couldn't avoid anything any longer. I know of kids my age who became jaded and complacent and I guess I'm lucky in that I've realized my life is passing me by long before it's beginning to happen. We lie awake at night and wonder how young can you be to die from old age. But it's strange to have to do a complete 180 or get a bird's eye view of your life and everything you do and everything you think and how it may all be wrong.
These realizations all stem from one cold night over a Thanksgiving holiday weekend where we sat in the car in a fast food parking lot in the middle of suburbia. Toxins ran rampant in our blood streams and we wondered if we were capable of loving anyone more than we love ourselves. Vanity isn't what I'm getting at though because it's the most selfless thing even if I can't explain how. People just romanticize the idea of themselves a whole lot more than is realistic. Then there was that other time we were in bed and he asked me to hold him for three minutes before it was time to get up. Three is such an arbitrary number and I remember smirking at the idea but I don't even think I lasted one minute before I started to get anxious and needed to get up. And then there's this practice where I can love and leave and for the most part it's not a big deal. So is it intimacy? I don't think so but you tell me. I've been called a bitch because I had an opinion. Before then was an entirely different situation where I completely lost myself and promised I would never go back to that and he could never understand. So if bitches are girls who have priorities outside their romantic relationship, then I'm okay with that.

If this doesn't make sense at all then just know I'm stringing together several situations and how they may or may not have lead to me automatically waking up at 3:30 am for a week straight. It's the shit that keeps you up at night (or in my case, gets you up); that leads to you lamenting over relics of the past and farfetched hypotheticals at the same time; that leads to you so absentminded you don't remember if you stopped for that red light; that leads to you and your fucking academic adviser crying in her office on a Wednesday.

But if "hitting rock bottom" means I have a well-paying and stable job, people who love, people to love, and food in my stomach, then this rock isn't so hard and I should just grow the fuck up.

thinking about.

2011-09-12T18:00:00.000-07:00

i'm going to get my life together tonight, i get too invested in work but i like it here, the solution to drinking too much coffee is to drink more coffee, the solution to being sore from yoga is to do more yoga, i left a piece of my heart in minnesota and the rest is breaking a little more each day, i can't wait to eat thai food tomorrow, current obsessions include u.s. open and ny fashion week, i might never get tired of listening to phoenix, i want to wear a cable knit sweater and drink seasonal lattes, for now i'll wear a tank top and eat pumpkin pie in the 85 degree sun.

cheap thrills.

2011-09-08T16:45:00.000-07:00

loving each other unprotectedly and lounging in the sun unprotectedly.
"i don't know if we should be doing this."
"it's ok Aub. we just live faster than some people."

10,000 lakes and a lotta love.

2011-09-05T22:13:00.000-07:00

It was so funny to meet all these people I share blood with. To see what I've been missing for twenty-one years; the good and the bad. "You're so brave" they all kept saying but really, I didn't think about it. And my cousin G and how I am so in love with his life, with him, with his home, and with his friends. A group of hard working guys who are the least pretentious, most attentive and wonderful people I've ever met. I've always been sort of a guy's girl but now I kind of want to go back and be ridiculous with them forever.

aug. 7-13

2011-08-14T21:57:00.000-07:00

a lot of sentimental moments and tears in the shower. stupid, stupid mistakes that are humorous only in retrospect. another year makes five. i lost your grandmother's ring and was probably more upset about that than i ever i was about losing you. i'm breathing your air for the next couple days and hugging my dad every chance i get.

fresh header

2011-08-08T20:24:00.000-07:00

1. tribute to (one of) my hero, carly simon.
2. miss late nights listening to this with partner in crime.
3. self-evident.
4. irony.

your cell phone "favorites" and how i couldn't explain why.

2011-08-05T00:12:00.000-07:00

You had me thinking about time and space and it all made me very sad and I couldn't explain why. I stumbled around Berkeley with whiskey in my blood and tears streaming down my face. You mustn't run from the truth in front of you, I remember thinking. I passed a drifter who asked if I was a mugger. I shook my head and asked if he was. He said no and we continued on our intersecting journeys of solitude. A friend once told me how he was able to eliminate people from his life once he felt like they couldn't contribute to his growth anymore. I had thought he was the most selfish person in the world but suddenly I was thinking he was on to something. I was thinking it would be so much easier if we just quit now, if we stopped pretending nothing was happening, if we stopped pretending like I wasn't going to miss you when you're gone. But I looked at you that night and saw almost seven years. Looks from across a crowded room and knowing. Key words and sideways smiles. Gestures reserved for only each other. Hours and hours, just the two of us. Your tendencies. Another friend told me whiskey makes men confrontational. Naturally, I was the complete opposite and didn't care regardless. You admitted I was number two favorites in your phone. Number two if anything went wrong. Number two if anything went right. It was jubilant yet heart breaking and I couldn't explain why. I guess I didn't need to. My baby cousin was sick at the house. I didn't have a key. It was late and the fog was getting thick. I thought about calling you. Habits. I'll have so many habits to break next year.

everybody yelled surprise, i wasn't surprised.

2011-07-31T10:13:00.000-07:00

They show you a place in your head where you remember why we were never meant to be alone. And you try and act surprised.

the teases. (because you won't remember this tomorrow)

2011-07-29T08:41:00.000-07:00

You texted after midnight about some girl. I told you to "get it" because that's what friends do. We are not dating but we certainly are not just friends. We are blurred lines seen through rose-colored glasses.
The girl left like girls tend to do and we talked about missed opportunities. You texted me things you should not text a friend, especially one who is a girl, especially one who is me. It was 2am and I couldn't help but feel very alone, alone in my bed. I wanted to to be with you but you were far away and I needed to sleep.
I kept hearing my friend say, "it doesn't work out because someone always wants more."

so I keep telling myself that.

how's your life?

2011-07-24T15:14:00.000-07:00

I sat on a friend's patio at the beach exchanging love letters with someone who was very far away.

Don't fade away from me, okay? I wrote. Except it wasn't really a question. It felt more like I was talking to myself.

I get so anxious these days. My shoulders hurt. And every morning I have to crack my right elbow just to feel any kind of relief.

At the house, I would wake up before everyone else, drink two glasses of water, read every article about Rupert Murdoch, and stare at the beach.

I like having you around...it's nice to have someone to share my thoughts with. Talking to myself again.

It's kind of funny how close you feel to someone who's so far away. I wasn't sure what he was doing. To be honest, I didn't ask.

That night, I got a text back.

I've been eating and sleeping well and it's raining more than ever. The downfall of Murdoch has been wonderful to watch as he has been the proverbial boogeyman who has haunted since my childhood.
As for the rest, we are both restless. There is a language we share that few others recognize. I would be lying if I said I didn't think of you fondly, and often. The functionality of being around is a door that swings both ways.
Your thoughts are embraced wherever I exist.

The air was warm; I slept outside. The ocean is beautiful at night. They say anything about the future can be so pleasurable that sometimes we'd rather think about it than get there. I was afraid. I was afraid that next time would not be as perfect as this.

I knew that when I'd see him, he'd ask me, "How's your life?" This time I wouldn't have an answer. What happens when "How's your life?" no longer becomes relevant.

one day i'll explain how this was the best text i've ever received from you:

2011-07-22T16:33:00.000-07:00

"i told you i wouldn't."

happy birthday to a dead author i love more than is probably healthy.

2011-07-21T23:30:00.000-07:00

“Often a man wishes to be alone and a girl wishes to be alone too and if they love each other they are jealous of that in each other, but I can truly say we never felt that. We could feel alone when we were together, alone against the others … But we were never lonely and never afraid when we were together. I know that the night is not the same as the day: that all things are different, that the things of the night cannot be explained in the day, because they do not then exist, and the night can be a dreadful time for lonely people once their loneliness has started. But with Catherine there was almost no difference in the night except that it was an even better time.”

Hemingway- A Farewell to Arms

it is not pyrosis you're feeling.

2011-07-15T18:20:00.000-07:00

the funny thing about being being non-committal is that you have absolutely no right to be jealous of girls who will probably get what you're too stubborn to allow.

it's these preconceived notions.

2011-06-27T15:16:00.000-07:00

It took all I had not to start crying. It was like disappointing him could be the biggest offence I would make in my life and I couldn't exactly explain why. I guess it just sucks when you feel like you are the cause of all your problems. But it sucks even more when you know precisely what you want but you know you may not get it, or if you do it will be in some months (years?).
Regardless, I felt like a moron but made a steadfast self-resolve to never cry. I did that thing I do with my hands when I'm anxious and just hoped he'd remember this seemingly subconscious body language and know that I was sorry.

neurosis.

2011-06-26T23:07:00.000-07:00

She told me that I need to find what makes me happy, what makes me calm and stick at it. That I need to manually remind myself that i'm doing "such and such" to make myself better. I came up with this list:
1. yoga
2. cleaning

I cleaned a fucking lot today and it felt really nice. Like somehow getting rid of clothes was like cleansing my soul or nerves or something. But anyway, I wanted to simplify my life in 2011. This summer I'm actually gonna do it.

Also, we were in LA yesterday and it was pretty perfect. I was with my best friends and didn't feel like I was going to die for the first time in a couple weeks.

p.s. How soon is too soon to start packing for a trip? 57 days and I'm excited.

i thought it was like magic.

2011-06-25T20:35:00.000-07:00

It was nearly dusk when we met at the "spot" like we had done so many times before. We sat shoulder-to-shoulder with our legs dangling off the edge. The sun's dance was especially poignant that evening and I remember thinking that if I had any beliefs in a deity, this was his manifestation right then. Summer was in full force now, bringing with it the sunsets that make you wonder about the people who were here hundreds of years ago, watching the same glowing orange sun go down.

Soon I could only see the red tip of his cigarette and feel his body shift closer to mine, a protective move he often assumed when we were together but more so now to share the body warmth I needed in wearing cutoff shorts and a sleeveless top. Our transition into this phase wasn't contrived or methodically acknowledged. It was the natural evolution of two people becoming completely comfortable with each other even if we didn't know what that meant. And I wanted to bury a piece of myself in him. A piece of me that wouldn't be bothered in a place where we couldn't get hurt.

The silence was interrupted with the beginnings of nature's lullabies and our own musing of getting coffee before heading home. Later we held each other for a suspicious amount of time before I got in my car and everything was quiet again.

i started a law blog.

2011-05-26T15:02:00.000-07:00

http://aubloblawslawblog.tumblr.com/

check it out.

best week ever.

2011-05-06T18:39:00.000-07:00

Does anyone remember that VH1 show, "Best Week Ever"? I used to watch it all the time in 8-9th grade. Anyway, at the end they would always announce who or what was having the best week ever. If that show was still alive it might go like this:
MR. PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA, YOU ARE HAVING THE BEST WEEK EVER !!!

this week made me cry a lot and this (Mr. O's speech announcing the death of Bin Laden) was one of the reasons why. Maybe death isn't something to celebrate but seeing America happy and celebratory warmed my heart. You're embarrassing sometimes, but I like you America.

11:21 on A SATURDAY

2011-04-30T23:21:00.000-07:00

Saturday night and I'm studying. again. my weekends have recurring themes and i'm strangely okay/immune to this. tomatoes, tomahtoes.

-so i participated in a NCMO (non committal make out) high school style in a car in a jack in the box parking lot last weekend. unfortunately it will probably just stay as stated. we tried to cross the friends line. very risky and unpredictable but if the friendship is intact after said "hey let's try dating!!" then it's usually for the best. i chalk this up to being my fault of course. my "focus" on other aspects of my life leaves little leeway for frivolities of long-term dating/serious relationships, much to my mother's dismay. contrary to popular belief, being single doesn't mean you're unhappy or lonely or pining after an exboyfriend. it's actually quite the opposite and means i'd rather not act a fool and be in love and instead make money/graduate from fucking college. regardless, he looked really cute in a beanie and smelled delicious too. i'll continue with my shallow journey of getting hotter (or just hot?) (re: gym all the time, better makeup).
-it's a fact that i dislike sundays. something cool might happen tomorrow though. if it doesn't that's fine, i'll continue to dislike sundays and the world spins madly on. but if it happens, you'll read about it, i'm sure.

p.s. i'm not actually currently studying. i'm watching cspan (white house correspondence dinner, what what!) and drinking chocolate wine. i'm meeting with the NCMO at coco's at 4am. who needs anything else?

when you can do nothing but watch as your own heart breaks on a front porch.

2011-04-27T01:12:00.000-07:00

we were sitting on the porch holding hands when she asked me my name for the third time in an hour.
"pamela?"
"no Bea, it's Aubriska." (an old nickname she's called me since infancy)
"aye, me olvide" (i forgot), she said as she patted her thick white hair.

we sat in silence for a good minute processing what this all meant before she spoke again.
"la cabeza se rompio" (my brain broke).

it's okay Bea, it's okay.

the mountain.

2011-04-24T07:18:00.000-07:00

The Mountain from Terje Sorgjerd on Vimeo.

we get so detached from reality we wonder how this could even be real. regardless of your beliefs, notice the beauty of today. it's real.

religious observance begs sabbatical.

2011-04-23T18:20:00.000-07:00

today is saturday and i spent three hours early this morning getting a very expensive hair cut. i’m mildly convinced it cost so much because he spent forty minutes alone trying to detangle my hair. don’t worry, we tamed that bitch. and talked about coachella (obviously), thai and mexican food and how we could eat it every day, and 90s shows like catdog and bobby’s world.

i drank some coffee and listened to a lot of broken social scene like i was in high school again. i wondered how and where you are and if you ever got to where you wanted to.

people complain that there is no sun or heat in april in southern california on easter weekend. like, i should not be wearing a jean jacket and it shouldn’t be overcast and instead of overpriced coffee we should be getting overpriced iced coffee.

but you know what? it’s april. it’s not summer yet and broken social scene and overcast weather rather fit my mood these days.

i've got the blues.

2011-04-18T09:58:00.000-07:00

coacheldepression

-noun psychiatry. a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal experienced after Coachella; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason other than Coachella.

symptoms include but are no limited to:

-swollen/buffy/bruised/tender/achy feet. this may require the patient to wear running shoes/a supportive "sneaker" several days post-Coachella Festival.

-absurd tan lines. it's almost as if the sun laughed at any meager attempt to apply or reapply sunscreen.

-the feeling of hopelessness when one's life is not dictated by 50-minute increments. "what do you mean I don't have to decide which band to 'sacrifice' in order to see another?!"

-the foreign concept of the following: running water, soap, cool/temperate climates, mattresses, non-dirty feet.

-economic shock. inflation in real life isn't so bad. morning coffee doesn't have to cost $3-5. a quesadilla doesn't really cost $7.

-the emptiness of not seeing Shaun White ten feet in front of you in lecture/everyday life.

-the realization that Julian Casablancas will not be drunk rambling between Strokes songs on your ipod.

so in short, i'm suffering. this is a real disease.

coachella 2012 countdown: 364 days.

would you call the earth an asshole for turning round and round?

2011-04-08T00:40:00.000-07:00

It's the familiar sinking feeling one gets in realizing how bittersweet life is and how its contradictions might never manifest into substantial concepts.

Like most people I have trouble with mortality. Frankly the objectivism and untimeliness just makes me angry.

Do you remember the first time you were able to conceptualize death as a child? I do and even then my analytical brain refused to take its definition at face value. And I remember my mom explained Heaven to me as everything pretty and nothing I didn't like. My dad and I tended a rose garden at the time and I imagined a heaven where bees didn't exist to bother my flowers and my roses had no thorns. My mom told me I would have that and more.

But I hated not knowing what comes next. The not having something finite or tangible to grasp onto. Faith is supposed to compensate for this lacking but what if one does not know what to have faith in to begin with? What if having faith in faith will never be enough?

So I choose not to think about it lest I fall into cyclical phases of nihilism where getting out of my bed never seems worth anything.

Finding the answers to these mysteries will always seem fruitless to me but that's where I am right now and I'm really struggling to understand any of it.

thoughts as of 8:50pm on a Tuesday

2011-04-05T20:50:00.000-07:00

-the general population gives weird attention/respect to individuals who wear business attire. i don't like this kind of attention ("power" suit actually has context behind it). this is just my uniform everyday (as of last week, haha) and it makes getting dressed more efficient but i got my blazer at jc penny's. i'm not power trippin.

-average law school debt= $89 thou and some change. insert hyperventilation here/i hope the world ends in 2012 so everything's insignificant in the LR.

-thumbs up to my Africa econ class. a subject that's not (entirely) euro-centric is refreshing. plus my professor's wife is a diplomat. guess who's going to office hours every session? this girl.

-my obsession with Drake? getting ridiculous. i woke up spooning my laptop which had frozen during one of his music videos which i had began watching & fell asleep to somewhere in 3am.

-coachella. 9 days. come sooner/quicker. i'm dying for you.

-you will never regret waking up early to leave your warm bed to go run in the cold. you will never be pissed off after going to a yoga class. you will never regret a workout. with that being said...

2005 called. it wants its pants back.

2011-03-29T23:19:00.001-07:00

I wore these today. no big deal. They remind me of 2005 though. These were really cool in 2005. Lately I've been into categorizing things by timeframe, preferably year. It all started last summer when Best Friend and I were driving through god knows where Central California looking for a gas station. We were in this tiny town and he mentioned it looked like 2006. It totally made sense. Some things just look like a year.

So anyway, 2005 has been my favorite reference lately. I think 2005 was a good year for me. I met my future first boyfriend (though we didn't start dating til 2007. took it slow, duh) and I took the picture for my license that is still on my license. Generally, I thought I was badass in 2005. But back to these pants. They are 2005 but also really appropriate for days like this; e.g. when it's warm outside but freezing inside classrooms. Great ventilation system, 2005 pants. (and don't worry, I'll do my laundry so I don't ever have to wear these again)

p.s. That awkward moment when a guy texts that he "needs you" and of course he doesn't know it but he might be your secret crush and you revert to what the 2005 you would have done and take it out of context and assume, ohmygodomg he might 'like like' me? That happened today.

p.p.s. Spring break is over and I'm bummed. I didn't really do much yet I was busy the whole time. hate that.

p.p.p.s. I love all my classes and have a girl crush on my woman professor. I'm adding her to the role model list.

p.p.p.p.s. I also love work. My boss(es) raises guinea pigs, makes drinking references, encourages snack time. Of course we're going to get along.

karma is only a bitch when you're one.

2011-03-19T01:25:00.000-07:00

Ridiculously great things that happened today:
1. I finally got a job. A REAL one with stable hours and one for pay, not an internship (internships are cool but come on, they don't buy my coffee). And more than that, it's a job in a field I hope to go into as a career. i. am. so. excited. abjfgbdfjg!

2. I'm done with the requirements for my pre-law degree! Hallelujah! I still have to take my senior seminar for my economics major and finish up a couple classes for the minor I picked up. But being done with crusty law books (for now) and knowing that my diploma will indeed say B.A. LAW ? awesome. high five.

but these things happened when I needed them to most. This week was brutal and lately I've been feeling off in general and the situation is Japan is really impacting me. I'm blessed.

delusion.

2011-03-17T00:42:00.000-07:00

"Oh no, did I poke you first and can't remember? Because that would be awkward..."
"No, I drew blood first."

thank god. i was having the hardest time remembering if i was fbook creeping again. i was up for 41 hours prior to last night and today my body has gone down the drain. it was possible but finally for once i wasn't and that's why i like this boy.

anyway, finals. brb.

you know who's looking fine tonight? seth mosakowski.

2011-03-11T21:09:00.000-08:00

1. "Aubrey, wanna come over and put fake mustaches on and take pictures of ourselves?" is that even a question? So we did that the other night until 4am when we decided to go to the gym. Woo college.

2. Have you ever been walking and see a cute guy ahead but it's hot outside and you're in a rush so you might be sweaty but rather than risk it, you detour to avoid him? No? Maybe that's just me.

3. Let's talk about gas. No, saying that you (hypothetical person, not YOU exclusively) are attending "no gas on March 14th" or whatever isn't going to change anything. Not buying gas for one day doesn't change the long run supply & demand, or even short run for that matter, it doesn't change instability in the Middle East. If anything, OPEC is going to log into Fbook and laugh at all the people who are "attending" a fake event. It's macroeconomics baby.

edit 3.12: I just marked that I'm "attending"No Lamborghini Day! in which we will all not buy a Lambo for a day in order to get the price down so then we can all afford one. lol I love econ majors.

4. I was really sad today for Japan. Since when did natural disasters become political? "This earthquake was probably a Republican but since Japan has universal health care, I'm not so sure we can help them..." No one actually said that but Fox news was on and their discussion was in the same genre of ridiculous.

And how news programs are compelled to create sensationalist titles for everything. My favorite is always STORM WATCH 2011 (or insert year) but this DISASTER IN THE PACIFIC is a close second.

Also, it was mentioned that Pres Obama was woken up at 4am and told of the disaster. I really want to know whose job it is to wake him because that can be a pretty awkward situation, going into his private bedroom, Michelle asleep in the same bed.

"Barack, wake up. There's 'Disaster in the Pacific.'"

and if he's like any normal person it will take him a minute to register. (and if he's like me there are granola bar wrappers in his bed because he's a sleep-walking-eater.) "What? oh okay." goes back to sleep.

"No, B-man, you should really get up and talk to some people. Hillary's on her way."

because in my perfect world, Hillary is always saving the day. but really, it seems like the wake-upper position should be a lowly intern's job. If so, sign me up.

the preservation of my soul.

2011-03-09T13:02:00.000-08:00

i'm giving up the following, all of which are near and dear to my heart, for Lent.

-refined sugar

-gum

-purchases (anything other than food...food that is not included in the above)

see you in 40 days Arizona iced tea, Doublemint and Target.

lol, so tonight.

2011-03-05T00:57:00.000-08:00

ideally i'm doing homework. papers, primary law sources from the middle ages, reviewing chapter after chapter of mac theory. but realistically this hasn't happened yet. i have about 500 tabs open, most of which are shopping websites because i find such satisfaction in filling online shopping carts only to freak out and close everything later on. i'm gchatting with a boy and we always make plans but they never happen because we're both kind of too lazy to get dressed for the public world and instead challenge each other at word womp or typingtutor. oh, and i'm drinking wine because i don't know what else to do.
anyway. i'm also thinking about tattoos. i'm going tomorrow but it's difficult because there are so many things i want and i'm afraid before long my body (arms) will be filled and i'll be judged and my mom will be disappointed and i'll ruin future wedding pictures and i'll never get a real job and i'll be stuck in a hot climate and have to wear long sleeves all the time to be socially accepted and i'll spend my evenings drinking $9 wine from the bottle. it's an issue and i have 24 hours to decide the direction of my life.
i also would really like to bake some carmel sea salt brownies right now. you see, i got a kitchenaid mixer for my birthday that's begging to be used but there's homework (which i'm not even doing) and then the fact that somehow these brownies will need to be eaten and i don't want to go at it alone. of course i could make the five minute drive to gchat boy's house and share but then there's that above problem of getting dressed, leaving the comfort of my bed/online computer game competitiveness.

oh friday nights. what promises you hold, you are such a tease.

p.s. In case you were wondering, I'm completely obsessed with Adele's "21." If you've ever been a sufferer of a broken heart you will relate. but even if you haven't you can appreciate because this girl has some pipes.

stormin' the capitol.

2011-03-03T22:44:00.000-08:00

Last weekend I attended the UCSA student lobby conference as a delegate from my campus for the second year.

[with a couple of my freshman babies in the debriefing room. waiting.]

Highlights include:
-new friends (including freshman asking me for life advice and feeling old when it was mentioned they were born in 1992)
-attending conference workshops.
-lobbying! donning Hillary Clinton power suits everyday; feeling like a seasoned pro in the Capitol building; networking with assemblymen's interns.
-being a fan-girl all weekend to this ridiculously good looking Boalt Law/public policy Berkeley grad student ("There's probably two of you in this room who are actually interested in this." I honestly so was. and the fact that he was good looking and super smart and not an ass about his accomplishments. even better.)

honorable mentions:
-THE DRIVE UP TO SACRAMENTO! we endured rain, sleet, snow, saw a car fall off a cliff and stopped to help. I was a nervous wreck & spent the remainder of the drive being comforted by this boy I had barely met two hours ago. ("Aubrey, do you need a hug?" and so we sat in the backseat hugging.) but really, those people were so lucky to be alive and I called 911 for the second time in my life.

overall: I love activism, politics, passionate people, hotel food.

i don't call him apple head anymore.

2011-03-01T11:08:00.000-08:00

evidence that a lot has changed since I was nine and he was five-years-old.

brother: "Where have you been all weekend?"
me: "I was in Sacramento, why?"
brother: "Because you were gone for like five hundred days and you didn't tell me."

insert sentimentalism here.

macbook is the new facebook is the new myspace: a social experiment.

2011-02-23T13:22:00.001-08:00

This is dedicated to the resurgence of the iconic "bathroom cell phone pic."* You know the ones where you can see toothpaste splattered on the mirror and a dirty bleach stained towel hanging in the background?** Yeah, I love those. And when there are song lyrics posted as the caption?*** Even better. And inevitable the picture subject's friend will comment either one of the two things: 1. "Looking cute!" 2. "Omg, you're so pretty."
Admittedly I'm guilty of a few of these back in the 8th and 9th grade years. Luckily no one uses myspace anymore and I'm in college and mature so obviously I use my macbook to store these pics of myself.
So here's the experiment: unfortunately I still have some dignity but in a perfect world I would post this.

Kissin on ya chest & I'm diggin out your stress

I wont stop till your finished

But you aint felt love till a gangsta get up in it

Dream

and then someone (most likely someone with the aforementioned toothpaste bathroom pic) would be like: "OMG, hey sexy!" ::insertnamelikesthis::

*SNL's Weekend Update had a spoof of this a couple weeks ago. An iphone ap that would automatically erase these mirror strains. genius.

**okay so it's not even just the middle school kids I babysit (which is somewhat justifiable) that have these pictures, some people I know (family members in their mid 20s, fml) take these.

***lyrics usually about friendship or endless summers or california or all of the above.

And the purpose of this experiment is to show that no one looks cute with toothpaste freckles seemingly all over their body while making the duck lip face and posting lyrics from a song that was cool in 2005.

So go ahead, I dare you to tell me I look cute in this picture or how much you relate to my favorite derogatory rap lyrics and you better double "like" it. We all know you're lying anyway.

the great ring incident of 2011.

2011-02-14T10:24:00.000-08:00

Also known as, how a ring got stuck on my big ass finger for approximately 50 hours.

For my night out on the town on Saturday I wore my most recent Forever 21 purchase and newly favorite ring, this silver and faux turquoise ring that actually looks like it cost more than I paid for. It fit perfectly on my middle finger but after a night of festivities, I couldn't get it off all day yesterday. I wanted to go get a manicure because that would be a perfect gentle activity my post-21 year old body could handle. Somewhat annoyingly they make you take off all your jewelry but I'm a big jewelry person and there are two small rings I never take off and I always wear my purple Silly Band and a friendship bracelet. Anyway, I tried soap and water and bunch of other creative techniques from the "How to remove a ring from a swollen finger" ehow.com page. No such luck. I went to sleep thinking it would come off the next morning because morning is when the body retains the least amount of water. Well I woke up around 4:30am because I could feel it throbbing. I dunked it in ice water, took some ibuprofen but 30 mins later it was still as swollen as ever and the ring was going no where. Enter the help of my dad. He's a former paramedic/current firefighter and deals with idiotic people and their similar accidents all the time. He attempts to saw the ring off my finger. Yes, saw. with a hack saw. It makes a shallow indent but the metal is too thick, the blade too dull, we'd be there all day. "Get dressed, we're going to the fire station," dad says and so I obey and get out of my floral night gown.

We're ringing the door bell at the station a little after 5. A sleepy fireman seemingly unfazed by having to deal with a girl with a ring stuck on her finger lets us in. It was more about the reunion between him and my dad who hadn't seen each other in awhile. It was cute to see my dad in his natural habitat. Dad: "Whoa, did you guys get a new fire engine?" Him: "Yeah, it's the Nimbus 2000!!" Just kidding, but was the Something-500.

Flashing forward almost an hour later and two firemen, three different ring cutters, a saw, some pliers, PUTTING MY HAND IN A VICE, a screw driver, me wanting to cry but instead sweating, a small cut and a big bruise later and my finger was free and my ring was split in half. Hallelujah.

Lessons learned from this story:

-don't drink and jewelry

-Chinese metal craftsmanship is on par. That sucker was indestructible, no wonder China is emerging as a top super power.

-Daddy knows best. (and that sounds creepy)

and that's my post-tragedy swollen hand! note the middle finger. thank goodness amputation was not involved. also, and somewhat unfortunately, I still had time to drive back to school for my 8am. I had really wanted to have my dad write a letter...."Dear professor, please excuse Aubrey from college as her finger was swollen with a ring stuck on it..."

do you remember when 21 years was old?

2011-02-13T14:52:00.000-08:00

I partly really love my birthday because I can always equate the age number with some song lyric. And so I get excited about "my song" and want to sing it all the time when it's finally February 12. The above is Phoenix and pasts include age 18, "Barely Legal" by the Strokes and ages 16 and 19 definitely had one too, I just can't remember.

Speaking of can't remember, there's a lot about last night I can't remember. Here's a blotchy recollection of what I do but in between sips of Costco brand gatorade all day today I would remember something random and it made me laugh.

In keeping with the tradition of the past four years or so, Best Friend texted me right at midnight just as a couple friends and I sprinted into the sketchiest bar in town. The bartender took a double take at my ID, looked at me, looked at his watch and said, "Oh well happy birthday!" It was official, it was 12:03.

The thing about drinking with boys is that they expect you to drink like a boy. "Tonight we have to make it to five bars!!!" Sorry brah, not going to happen. After three bars and three really strong man drinks, we settled for oatmeal at the nearest diner and I woke up in a parked car at 4am.

Fast forward a couple hours and I was in a car again headed toward LA with some of my best/closest friends. We ate at Grub (owned by a Top Chef contestant!) which was delicious, quaint, vegetarian friendly and really really good. After a 'Big Ass Ice Cream Sandwich' with a "4" candle on top we were set.

After that we met up with another friend at her friend's apartment and partook in some pre-bar hop drinks and gangster rap music videos. A grumpy taxi driver picked us up and we were off to bars in West Hollywood.

From here I'm not even going to try a play-by-play. I spent a lot of time in this one bar where I made friends with this guy who was also celebrating his birthday and whose mom's birthday was the next day. We exchanged Twitter information and basically became best friends. The bartender was particularly hot and shirtless and gave us a good deal on drinks. I spent a good deal of time bonding with this other guy talking about economics (because GDP is sexy. no really, I need to stop this habit but I can't help it. I love Milton Friedman), poker and color symbolism? There was also a bathroom and eating tootsie rolls in the bathroom (where did I get them?), taking pictures with random people when I got lost from my group, hugging this guy who was wearing the same lashes as me (I was wearing fake lashes), dancing to that new Gaga song which played a thousand times that night and finally waking up on Stephanie's couch.

I wrapped up my birthday extravaganza with a family lunch (at 11:30am, thanks mom) and have been lounging around dizzily ever since. I really love 21. I really love my friends. I am so appreciative.

edit: Songs, age 19, "Nineteen" Tegan & Sara; age 13, "Thirteen" Wilco.

i am fabulous/get it together!

2011-02-11T14:52:00.000-08:00

Last night I had my first Tigerheat experience. Well, Tigerheat via the Palladium but gay clubbing none the less. It was Britney night and here is what I learned:

1. Creepers you don't want to dance with can help you through the crowd. On the way back from the restroom, this guy was like "hey mama" and I shook my head but he grabbed my hand so I just used that as leverage to get through the crowd and back to my little group. Score.

2. Speaking of restrooms, the "women" sign is just a suggestion. This fabulous cross-dresser, "But you don't even know if I'm a boy. We all look the same tonight!" as security told him he needed to get out of the women's restroom.

3. It's like third grade all over again, where you get mad/offended when someone cuts. (Teacher, he cutted me!) No but really. People get so offended when you even walk in front of them while they are dancing. Expect the triple finger snap, expect some middle fingers, even fights. It's great.

4. Don't drop your glasses. and be that annoying guy who crawled around the floor using his phone as a flash light.

5. Dancing does the body good. My legs were really sore the next day.

A and H said this wasn't the typical Tigerheat. The space was bigger than usual and the lights were brighter but I still had a lot of fun and I can't wait to go back. An excellent way to kick off my birthday weekend.

*oh and this title comes from a shirt some guy was wearing. he was really into his dancing. and then some other guy was telling his boyfriend, "come on Cory, get it together. Just get it together!" people watching's the best.

what i want for my birthday.

2011-02-06T20:54:00.000-08:00

my mom keeps asking so here's my list. i'll take either (or at least the gratification of saying i was accepted to either).

hola ombre!

2011-01-31T08:57:00.000-08:00

This weekend I kept thinking about how I've been wanting to dye my hair in the 'ombre' style (like what I did with the title up there?) So I took a study break, bought a highlighting kit and did it. and you kind of can't even tell because my hair naturally has random blonde/copper highlights. Anyway.

*post-8am midterm aggression face.

-Last week was taxing and come Friday, nothing sounded better than my cozy bed, 30 Rock and the two episodes of Pretty Little Liars I missed, and an apple with peanut butter. So that's exactly what I did. No shame.

-Saturday night I headed to LA for A's boy's birthday. Since when do my friends turn 23?! There was plenty of dancing and therefore a happy me despite the fact that I smacked my forehead into a car door and got a baby black eye/broken brow bone? It really feels like it. Hah!

-Also, this gem ceaselessly played in my head during my midterm on Friday. This song was awesome in 1999 when my friends and I used to make dance circles as we each pretended to be a girl in the song. I secretly wanted to be "Jessica" but my friend Jessica was "Jessica" so I settled for Rita. Unfortunately, thinking of this song for the first time in eleven years did not help me with econometrics.

-I just finished a midterm and am now in the lib preparing for a week of econ. It's week 5 and you gotta stay on it, ya know? But so we had this midterm but before this guy was telling me abut his girl's DUI, her 180 day prison sentence and his skye interview with her attorney. COOL STORY BRO.

so this girl has been harassing me since I was 18-years-old and all i keep thinking about is Conan.

2011-01-24T20:59:00.001-08:00

aka I'm almost 21 and I still have a bully.

Since I watched, and cried to, Conan's farewell speech [http://youtu.be/isfHFfI81xU] on the Tonight Show over a year ago, I feel like his wisdom is applicable to so many situations. I question where/if my heart belongs to and if my beliefs coincide with any religion but what I do know is this: I truly believe in karma and that what we put into this world, that energy, will ultimately come back to us. (which is really a foundational philosophy for many religions but let's not get too deep.)

And so I mentor a second grade girl who is also currently dealing with a bully and I was wondering how I could possible tell this small child that she will grow up and everything will be okay, when I myself am still being belittled as a grown adult? And aside from wanting to get angry/be a victim and cry/I don't know, honestly hurt her (my dad didn't put me through six years of karate for nothing), I want to ask this bully if she realizes she is acting like a 7 year old child. I want to know if she takes pleasure in being a bitch (don't answer that, I'm sure you do and it's lame and it's pathetic). But I don't take such pleasure. And I'm not sure if I ever could.

I don't even know where I'm getting with this but to my sweet beautiful little friend Ella, be kind. Always always choose kindness.

atta girl Aub/you go glen coco!

2011-01-20T07:42:00.000-08:00

I don't like the word "resolution" because I feel like I set myself up for failure (I'm a realist). So in honor of the resolutions I could have made but didn't, I present the following:

#1: Don't make unnecessary purchases. (these beautiful vintage clogs are obviously the exception)

#2: Cut back on the sugar intake. (after I proceed to finish an entire bag of these peanut butter-filled babies over the span of three days)

#3: Drink less coffee. Honestly, I'm not that bad and on top of that I've even cut down. Coffee is more of a treat now (every other day or once a day) while copious amounts of green/black tea is daily.

#4: Stop embarrassing myself. (but I'm such a sucker for poorly done photoshop...)

So twenty days into the new year, and all my hypothetical resolutions are thrown out the window. But resolutions, who needs them? Instead, I set goals!

Goals for 2011 I will actually accomplish:

-greens everyday. most acceptably at least one salad a day.

-cook most meals at home. should be easy if I take the time & will save money honey.

-yoga, pilates, cycle class all at least twice a week.

-improved organization. personal space-wise and school-wise.

-be more sustainable. (ignore the paper cup above. that was truly once) recycle more, use reusable mugs/water canteen all the time.

-highly edit internet/tv usage. instead fill with books and outdoor adventures.

-4.0 gpa!

all the rest are too embarrassing for this public forum.

it's not easy being green.

2011-01-06T08:50:00.000-08:00

Meet the green monster. I discovered the green monster on a baking blog and decided to incorporate it to upgrade my breakfast protein shake.

Old shake:

1 banana

some "light" plain soymilk (i eyeball it)

.5-1 scoop soy protein powder

some crushed ice

& blend til smooth.

New "green monster" shake:

1 banana

"light" plain soymilk

.5-1 scoop soy protein powder

handful fresh spinach (chop it up a little for a smoother texture)

smaller handful fresh kale

some crushed ice

blend, and ta da! a delicious nutritious breakfast.

bringing in 2011 by...moving furniture?

2011-01-01T22:13:00.000-08:00

Yeah we did. But not for the whole night. I had taken some hilarious pictures of us via my phone at exactly midnight but I guess I didn't think to save them. Instead, here's a picture of S and J getting ready to move furniture. It really was a perfect NYE, though.

too young for morals

2010-12-31T09:59:00.000-08:00

I rang in January with my best friend by dancing, singing and rapping (it was real) until we eventually passed out. We had a Harry Potter moment while hiking in the forest where we vowed "things [were] really gonna change for us." I continued to adjust to my new school and made a lot of effort to do well with my job at the newspaper. I got back into biking after the great 'Hit By A Car Incident of 2009' and made a resolve to change my perspective.

In February I found the perfect red cowboy boots I'd been searching for and ridiculously wore them everywhere. I dyed my hair dark brown for fun and spent rainy days baking and knitting. A couple sweet friends surprised me at midnight on my birthday with wine and chocolate cake and I spent the next week eating treats because it was still my birthday week. I got my first tattoo, went on sweet dates with sweet boys and wore my power suit on fun assignments. I also went on fancy all-expenses-paid trip to Sacramento to lobby against some of California's scariest Republican reps.

In March I took a solo trip north to visit S in Fresno for some much needed heart to heart time. A trip wouldn't have been successful without a visit to Berkeley for coffee dates and co-op parties.

In April I held a grown man in my arms while he cried and after stood on a mountain with him and talked about how it's okay to be angry sometimes. I crashed my car into another car (don't worry, it was my dad's and he was only a little mad) and accidentally rolled down a hill at 2am that same night.

In May I celebrated a year since my third heart surgery. I made preparations to move to Berkeley for the summer and got really distracted from school when my friends came home. I started training for a half marathon the Parisians signed on for together.

In June I spent afternoons in parks with iced tea/coffee and good books. Best friend and I packed up my little car and made the long night drive to Berkeley, complete with a spontaneous glow stick party on the highway to start off a summer that was filled with Katy Perry duets. I went to a concert festival where I was totally spoiled by strangers' kindness, wandered around in an intoxicated stupor and found contention in my lack of showering. I started summer school, went to yoga everyday and went to concerts in record stores.

In July I continued to intern for a politician and reaped the benefits of free donuts. I walked everywhere in the Bay area and met up with friends in Santa Cruz and San Francisco. I celebrated Independence with A and D and had shady encounters late at night.

In August we celebrated best friend's birthday with a delicious coffee cake and a birthday party on the roof complete with late night/early morning McFlurries and "Dirty Harry." I moved home from Berkeley after school ended and spent every night out late with lovely people.

In September I had an incident with a good man friend and now we don't really talk much but I'm wiser now. I went to Berkeley again and finally went to a dance party like I had wanted all summer. I cooked delicious food for a house of people and watched boys pee on the sides of buildings.

In October I started an internship with Barbara Boxer and was harassed for being a liberal in a predominately conservative area. I met a childhood friend for the first time and it didn't work out but we still ate delicious food and managed some passive aggressive humor. I saw Arcade Fire in concert and fell in love. I ran and finished a half marathon and managed to make some people unhappy in doing so but life's not about living to please other people and ultimately my spirit soared so that's all that matters. I took long drives with my brother and found comfort in his forever-friendship. I spent Halloween dressed up like JFK while studying for a midterm.

In November I moved and moved again and got extra prepared for the holidays by eating cranberry sauce every day. I got held up and almost-attacked by a man at Little Cesars but laughed it off and spent the night LSAT studying and eating donuts. I went to a conference in Santa Barbara and danced under the stars. I became even better friends with some oldies and quoted Mean Girls way too much. My car caught on fire and I got stuck in elevator but it reminded me not to take anything too seriously.

In December I danced in the rain. I went on hikes and cooked with friends late at night. My heart hurt a little for missed opportunities. One week, I went to the movie theater four nights in a row. I went on day time adventures and felt guilty for relaxing my tired-from-finals brain. I had a scare and 911 came but one of the medics looked like Seth Rogan. I also had a really intense cough but I'm better now.

I began 2010 slightly jaded and no one should ever be. My motto for the year was "too young for morals" and though at the time, I meant that in sort of a self-destructive, "I don't give a shit" way, it became more about new experiences and taking risks. 2010, (holy goodness that sounds so futuristic! but so archaic) you were really good to me. I'll see you on the other side.

you've changed.

2010-12-27T23:51:00.000-08:00

There is a moment in most failed relationships when the person who knows you better than you know yourself, who you love beyond anything believable, looks at you like you are a stranger. And not an interesting stranger, like someone you may see on the street for the first time, but a stranger who doesn't care to know you, with eyes full of apathy.

Apathy hurts more than anger, doesn't it?

And in that moment, nothing you could do or say could change anything. You wish you could climb inside his heart and brain and put those little grey's anatomy resuscitating paddles on them and jolt them back to life. Or shake some sense into him and show him pictures of his happy in-love face and remind him that you're still you and he's still him and you're really good together. But you're standing in front of him with your heart in your hands. He's standing in front of you and he's already gone at the same time.

And your body knows before your brain processes it.

Everything closes in around you and the air gets really thick, and your heart drops through your stomach and your skin gets so sensitive you're afraid if he touches you, you may just bruise, or bleed, or crumble.

I've probably been on the giving end of that dynamic but I can't shut off instantaneously. If I love you, I will always love you--even if I can't keep you.

But some men (and women, sure) have a special ability to switch it off and walk away. Washing their hands of you and already on to the next.

I often wish I could do that too. Wouldn't life be so much easier?

I hate that part.

it's never too early

2010-12-15T10:03:00.000-08:00

a running list of what will be present at my 21st birthday:
-red stripe
-bean and cheese burritos
-corn bread
-cheese cake
-pumpkin pie
-the cha cha slide
-harry potter cake (chocolate inside)

edit, Jan 20:
-karaoke
-pinata

edit, Jan 21:
-"Aaron's Party," the hit song from Aaron Carter

-Drake concert (jk, it's age 21+. I just checked)

edit, Jan 28:
-"Mambo No. 5"

Ash is 21.

2010-12-10T06:53:00.000-08:00

Today one of my bests turns twenty-one. She is beautiful and I love her. Happy birthday A!

*photo taken sometime freshman year of college. ignore my dumb expression.

little letters

2010-12-09T14:02:00.000-08:00

i need to say the following:

dear charming boy:

it all started when i hand fed you that pie. why i did that is beyond me. am i stupid? yes, the answer is yes because you have a girlfriend. i’ve been the slutty mistress before and it’s not fun, it’s not cute, it’s not becoming. what’s worse though is that i really adored you last quarter but we both send mixed signals and then you got a girlfriend and now you’re constantly texting me smiley faces and telling me good night. stop doing that and start doing that to the girl who is probably sitting right next to you as you text me. she is going to kick my ass if you do not.

sincerely, i’m determined to keep this platonic by carrying silverware and limiting my text winky faces.

dear charming boy (again, on a different note):

thank you for being you. i enjoy spending time with you inside and outside of class. i love that we have compatible senses of humor and i think it’s sweet you want to drive us everywhere (THOUGH YOU REALLY SHOULDN’T DRIVE ME AT ALL, FUCKER)

from, aubrey, your just friend who appreciates your just friendship.

dear popcorn:

i love you so much and all your light-butter-60-calorie-per-entire-bag-goodness. thank you for being my dinner five out of seven nights a week.

love, the girl who goes through weird six-month food obsessions.

dear new friend i made at that party last weekend:

i don’t remember your name and unfortunately that’s probably because i was 80 percent more drunk than you. but our conversation was entertaining and i wanted to thank you for being patient as i slurred my words and probably made a complete ass of myself.

cheers, your drunk bff who like, isn’t sure what type of music she likes.

dear liver:

i know, i know. you really need to be clean and that’s my responsibility and i failed you. i will abstain and try harder to keep it that way.

respectfully, your irresponsible master.

dear yoga class:

i’m so happy it’s almost break and we can spend a lot more time together.

namaste, looking for my sanity after becoming neurotic during finals week.

bright tuesday before black friday.

2010-11-23T19:26:00.000-08:00

in conjunction with Thanksgiving (hello, favorite holiday ever):

I missed my brother today so I went home and together we made lentil soup from scratch, ate popcorn and watched Lord of the Rings.

I’m thankful for his humor, his understanding of mine and how together we use this combined humor to drive my mother insane. (because sometimes she really deserves it)

this is a new kind of blues.

2010-11-15T23:31:00.000-08:00

So unfortunate Friday continued this past week with me getting stuck in an elevator in the oldest building on campus. This was after I basically cried a little and begged my advisor to remove the ridiculous hold on my account and let me register for classes on time. So there I was stuck in an elevator just as my registration opened. Thankfully I had full cell reception and WIFI so not only was I able to Fbook status my situation, I was also able to register for 19 glorious units as I waited to be rescued.

But don't get too excited, unfortunate Friday continued and culminated last night with another fucking car incident at 10pm in a deserted parking lot. (What the fuck life, what the fuck.) Thankfully I've never taken myself too seriously or I'm sure I would have had a complete meltdown by now. Instead I find the humor in these situations, call AAA for the thirtieth time, take mental notes for my memoir (appropriately entitled Missed Opportunities)/manuscript for the sitcom about my life, channel my frustrations into school and work and continually kick my own ass with intense gym sessions.

On another note, I'm looking forward to Thursday and seeing the Potter midnight showing in Los Angeles with A. I'm already planning my character costume and ready to let my nerd flag fly high. Then Friday I'm off to Santa Barbara for the weekend to attend a conference. Work yes, but also some play and really just a great change of scenery and a shared hotel room with two hilarious and wonderful coworkers.

I'm also looking forward to Thanksgiving. Scratch that, really looking forward to Thanksgiving. Not only is it my favorite holiday but I am counting down the hours until Best Friend and the Parisians can play. I want me some fast food excursions, afternoon bike rides, and general lazying around Alexis St.

But also, I'm looking forward to getting some rest. I tried to take a night off last week and it was almost physically impossible. I felt so guilty and anxious and I've come to realize that when I'm to the point where I feel guilty about sleeping, I have a problem.

Tonight I Skyped with Mr. Hern. I miss him so much. Tennessee needs to give him back, sooner the better.

"as purty as a lady bird."

2010-11-07T23:37:00.000-08:00

Meet Lady Bird. She was born in 2002 but adopted from a dealership in the shady part of San Bernardino when I turned sixteen in 2006. She came home in January and waited patiently in the driveway until I got my license on my birthday, February 12, 2006. She's named after President Lyndon B. Johnson's wife during a time in which I was really into presidents and their wives. The first place we went together was Barnes and Noble, the first people we drove illegally were A and some other newspaper kids to go orange picking, and our first long-distance drive was to Disneyland. Since then our adventures have included many a late-night drive to get food, multiple beach and Northern California trips, random "let's just drive for the hell of it" drives and so many memories in between. In the summer of 2007 Best Friend dubbed her 'red hot bubble car,' not because she was sexy or anything but because her air conditioning stopped working and from then it was always hit or miss. She helped me ditch high school on multiple occasions, once carried bundles of newspapers and was once filled entirely with balloons for Mrs. Bradberry's class on a rainy day. Lady's received two speeding tickets and probably a dozen parking tickets. She's lived in Redlands, Santa Cruz, Riverside and Berkeley. She's stalled in front of the Watchers' house (so scary) and in the snow at Forest Falls. Her check engine light is eternally on but that's just her way of saying hi. She's been abandoned at a couple parks and at Panera. She's met many many boys, good and bad, and kept me safe during teary drives home when I shouldn't have been driving at all. She looks best after a good washing, loves the cheap gas at ARCO and can often be found with a crusty french fry or two left over from me and hungry friends. She hit a dog one July 4th and recently ran over a bunny. She loves the UCSC sticker she's worn forever and the Sports Chalet 'I'd rather be paddling' plate frames dad and I put on ages ago. For the longest time she carried tampons, condoms and red finger paint in her trunk for late-night pranks (real mature). She loves friends and blasting Miley/Ali Lohan/International Dance Mix/The Strokes/Top 40 radio and listening to us sing badly at the top of our lungs. She's carried up to seven people at one time but is mostly used to two, specifically me and Best Friend, and she doesn't mind his cigarette smoking.

and I don't think lady will be coming home this time and it makes me really sad. Lady Bird and I grew up together and she's helped me have so much fun over the past four years. Cars really do have personalities and their own little quirks and it's hard not to be attached. Though you were a pain in the ass a lot of the time Ms. Lady Bird, I loved you so much. Best Friend said it best, "We had some good times in that car."

*photos courtesy of I's fbook. unfortunately early photos of Lady were lost when my laptop crashed.

unfortunate fridays.

2010-11-05T23:15:00.000-07:00

the title is the understatement of the year. so for the past month or so, something ridiculous/bad/tragic has happened involving a car and me and has prevented me from attending my last class of the day.

these events include:

-rearing ending (it was barely a tap but i still cried, go figure) a car with a baby inside.

-locking my keys in the car (luckily i unknowingly dressed like a highlighter and the tow truck man could spot me a mile away.)

-losing my car (i was really tired and dressed like katy perry with cupcake boobs.)

-my car catching on fire. (see Oct. 29)

but today, a miracle: nothing bad happened.

but maybe that's because i got a parking ticket yesterday? dgjnkfdsnf!

two years ago today

2010-11-02T20:46:00.000-07:00

we could have done something equally (more, in my opinion) awesome.

i wore this today while working the polls. well, heckling people outside the polls that is. and i had some really profound moments that made me want to cry. i really do not fit in in the ridiculously conservative inland empire but i guess the struggle-- the dealing with people constantly hating, the people going abe shit at even hearing the word 'abortion'-- of spreading our message is all the more significant in an area where people will disagree and are, quite frankly, more ignorant. anyway, i'm going to miss this internship and from what i currently see on my computer screen here at panera, mrs. boxer will win once again. mission accomplished.

why are you dressed so scary? it's halloween!

2010-11-01T10:35:00.000-07:00

[my owl o'lantern. one of three pumpkins i carved over three days. i'm a little obsessive.]

Halloween was a rager! If you're a cat lady and only get out for weekly bingo tournaments. (not that there's anything wrong with that). But I ran into a good, old high school friend in a parking lot the other night and we stood in the rain (me in shorts), him with a dead car battery, freezing but happy to talk until 2 am.

"Aubrey, please don't be JFK for halloween. That's not sexy."

Okay so I really wanted to be JFK. Shoot me. Unfortunately not even that plan was fulfilled. Instead, I spent all day in the library with Andrew and a smuggled in pumpkin pie studying Supreme Court cases for a midterm the next day, writing a last-minute emergency article for the Highlander and stealing art supplies from the visual media room and galavanting around the U of R campus at one in the morning.

This is sadly reminiscent of last Halloween, which was spent at UCLA with A. We were both a little sick and lived it up by reading our textbooks and eating Coffee Bean scones.

Obviously, there are high expectations for Halloween '11.

Update: I just re-read this entry and noticed the JFK-shoot me pun. Not intended. I'm naturally hilarious (wink).

single handedly supporting the tow truck industry.

2010-10-29T23:32:00.000-07:00

Who: Me. and my car, Ladybird.
What: Car fire!
When: today, this afternoon, before my Supreme Court class.
Where: Baker’s drive-thru.
Why: Ladybird is pretty old for Ford standards and she’s been sick for a long time. She’s like a cat with nine lives but this may have been the tenth.
How: Spontaneous combustion?

this happened as I was two or three cars from getting my food. I quickly turned Lady off but then had to turn her back on the get to the window, there were like ten cars behind me, I couldn't just sit there ya know? So then there's me with smoke and a baby flame coming out of Lady, the guy asking "Would you like ketchup or hot sauce?" and me yelling, "Yeah, sure anything!"
so I take this as a sign of fate telling me 1. I should have been in class, 2. I shouldn't have been eating fast food, 3. I shouldn't have been unabashedly playing Tay Swift in public, 4. I should stop exaggerating so much when I don't need to because this happens...
I call my brother, "Kev, are you home? My car's on fire at Baker's."
Him: "I don't believe you, no it's not." which is exactly what happened when I called after T and I got hit by that car last Christmas. "Kevin, are you awake? Trisha and I were just hit by a car."
Him: "No, you weren't"
I only call him first because I know he'll always answer but I hope that when a 'real' emergency occurs, he'll finally forget that time I lied to him when we were small and told him he could fly if he jumped off my bed (he broke his arm) and take me seriously.

Regardless, here's reason #4539786 why my life is a sitcom.

need a tooth brush?

2010-10-25T21:40:00.000-07:00

today i found these gems on my mac. considering i'm still macbook illiterate, they were the best surprise.

i less than three T.R.

we're those people who run marathons.

2010-10-19T23:56:00.000-07:00

morning of, getting ready to go. have i mentioned how i love these individuals more than anything in this world? have i mentioned how incredibly proud i am of all of us?

because i do. and i am.

run to be.

2010-10-17T17:00:00.000-07:00

after hundreds of training miles, two pairs of shoes, mysteriously bleeding feet, protein shakes at 2 am and many naysayers, I DID IT.

the nike women's half marathon was a success and hands down the experience of my life. 'finish line feeling' is the undoubtedly the best drug i've experienced and happy tears were more than welcome as was receiving a tiffany's necklace from a sexy fire fighter and downing a bagel in thirty seconds.

an open letter to a broken heart:

2010-10-08T10:04:00.001-07:00

because you are my baby cousin and you are hurting and I love you. and I meant every word when I said I want to kick his ass but realistically, there are so many better ways to spend our (your) time and energy.

-Do something you love, something for you. it's cheesy but now's the time to rediscover yourself. remember how you used to love running? run! remember how you've been pretending to like lame comedy/sports movies for him? see a chick flick! see a documentary! see anything with an intelligence level beyond fart jokes and 30-year-old men hung over in Vegas.

-Cry. make a playlist of all your "songs" or songs that are sad or remind you of him and listen to it. listen and cry and be mad and frustrated and angry. it's okay and you'll feel so much better.

-but also, listen to "Breaking Up" by Rilo Kiley and "Fuck You" by Cee-Lo. scream and dance and let it out. your celebration (that's right, this is the best thing to ever happen to you) begins now.

-Find your Parisians, find your David Campbell. and use them. don't use them, but use them. your friends are your biggest allies, your closest confidants and I promise they don't really mind when you ask them for help. they'll be there at midnight when you're lonely and just want to talk and they'll be there to take you on long car drives when you don't feel like talking at all.

-Get hott(er). seriously, what better excuse to get a makeover or go shopping. buy those sexy heels you've been lusting over, buy a new lip gloss just because.

-Ignore the haters. it's true that haters are going hate. mutual friends you thought were your friends may not be. people take sides and people gossip, that's life. ignore it. rise above it. don't stoop to that level, keep your head up and don't always verbalize what you're thinking/feeling. you're so much better than him anyway.

-Pack it up. there's probably stuff all over that reminds you of him. gifts, cards, pictures. don't toss it or burn it, you'll want to look back years from now and laugh at that douche ex boyfriend (also, some memories will always be sweet so don't be bitter) so pack it in a box and put it somewhere you can't see it. fill picture frames with inspirational quotes, pictures of you and your friends and of course, your favorite older cousin.

-Channel your energy. it's so easy to be pissed off but use that energy for something good. never be bitter, never get jaded. and this might be a little redundant but get off the couch you guys sat on every friday night watching the cartoon network and go to the football games, hang out with your friends, volunteer, save that money you spent for fucking taco Tuesday (you don't even like fast food!) and spend it how you want to spend it.

-Embrace this. you're a senior in high school for gosh's sakes! these next few months, this coming year is going to be the best time of your life. you don't have time for petty boys, you need a man who will take care you, stand by you and appreciate you. but don't rush it. savor your independence. nothing good ever fell into someone's lap. work hard in school, be a good person and that man will come to you on his own.

and just think: months from now, it won't hurt anymore. there are so many better looking guys to make out with, go on dates with and have fun with. five years from now, you'll barely remember his name. ten years from now, you'll see him at a high school reunion. he'll be fat and bald and alone. you'll still be fucking gorgeous, you'll be successful, and you'll have someone much better to show off.

but really, you are my baby cousin and I love you and would do anything for you so if you really want me to kick his ass, then only say the word, text me an address, promise to somehow bail me out of jail, and I'm there.

"All I ask of you is one thing: please don't be cynical. I hate cynicism - it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen." -Conan O'Brein.

that one time i was mistaken for a lesbian.

2010-10-06T07:25:00.000-07:00

this is too good to pass up.

so i'm currently attempting to get someone to take over the lease on my apartment because i'm moving on to bigger and better things (ie. gypsy house, stay tuned for details). i posted an ad on craigslist with the information and this exchange student from the UK replies almost immediately.

i tell her i can send pictures later if she's interested. my intent was pictures of the apartment. she took this as me hitting on her and wrote "thanks aubrey, i appreciate your candor" and went on to explain that she's single, straight but also gay friendly. and then she signed it with, "p.s. i have all the pics i need."

biggest fail.

this one's up there with the great 2008 rejection letter incident from UC Merced when i didn't even apply. my life is a sitcom.

come on alex, you can do it!

2010-10-04T22:11:00.000-07:00

1. Arcade Fire on stage. Campanile in the background.

2. More on stage time.

3. On the Golden Gate! Helpline for possible jumpers. (my perceptions of The Bridge came to life)

4. View of the pillar. It was super cold and drizzly and there was a breast cancer awareness marathon going on.

This weekend involved a quick turn around trip to Berkeley for the Arcade Fire concert. In between a whole bunch of awkwardness, we squeezed in a journey to San Fran complete with obligatory tourist destinations and tons of walking. Spent some time with the Berkelian Parisians, caught a movie and festivities with Best Friend, and saw AF Sunday night. They are arguably the best live band. I would have loved to have been in the pit with all the standing people but you know, awkwardness. AND THEN we drove all the way back, arriving in Inland Empire at 5am, in time for class Monday morning. But of course I fell asleep at 7am, woke up at almost 1 with a class and an unfinished paper due at 2. But boy can I write under pressure!

that one time i woke up looking strangely like...rihanna.

2010-09-10T15:03:00.000-07:00

Not to make light of a very serious incident but the other day I woke up looking like Rihanna circa February 2009 post-Chris Brown beating. Unfortunately and thankfully the picture does not show the full extent of my ugly swollen puffiness but it's just one of my many tragic bodily functions (bleeding feet, night eating, you know): every so often I wake up with an allergic reaction. This time I think Nyquil is to blame. Used as a cure for colds or for insomnia, if I really am allergic to Nyquil, the world of Aubrey will get just a little bit sadder.

confessions of a closeted smoker.

2010-09-07T14:49:00.000-07:00

Meet my friend Blake*. He is an obsessive, addicted smoker of marlboro reds. He has somehow managed to hide this fact from his poor unsuspecting parents for the past three years.

To avoid being caught with the scent of cigarette on his hand, he often wears a glove (see below picture).

(Note the gold watch over the glove. Always classy.) He wears this while we are in public and it's really creepy and it's really embarrassing.

When not in public, he often comes over to my house and wraps his fingers in plastic with painting tape. And I wonder why I'm his friend every day...

*name has been changed to protect the innocent, though if you're reading this you're most likely my close friend and most likely know exactly who is photographed.

what scares me most.

2010-09-03T00:16:00.000-07:00

i was asked what i was most afraid of in a job interview the other day. WHAT THE WHAT?! i offered some lame answer about the economy and global warming, whatever came to mind superficially. but really, i am most afraid of the moment in time where i look at a picture from high school or college or early adulthood and don't remember. when i have to scan my brain to put a name to the face, "OH! that's her. we were really good friends in high school."

gentleman, good night. ladies...good morning.

2010-08-31T00:23:00.000-07:00

songs i listen to that get me ridiculously pumped up to begin/endure running many miles:

1. frontin' - pharrell williams (stuck in 2002 obviously, but this is my current favorite song. i usually begin with this, the rest are no particular order)

2. bowl of oranges- bright eyes

3. american boy- estelle f. kanye

4. new york- jayz f. alisha keys

5. photobooth- friendly fires

6. no you girls- franz ferdinand

7. animal- miike snow

8. big pimpin- jayz

9. senorita- justin timberlake

10. wake up- arcade fire

11. the big guns- jenny lewis f. watson twins

12. daft punk is playing at my house- lcd soundsystem

13. going up the country- canned heat

14. the skin of my yellow country teeth- clap your hands say yeah

15. knife- girl talk's remix of grizzly bear

p.s. tomorrow is september, then it'll be october and then october 18 and that's when i run the real deal. crap.

sometimes training for a marathon is dangerous.

2010-08-25T15:14:00.000-07:00

last night i finished 6 miles to find the top of my normally silver shoe red.

i took off my newly dyed shoe to find my normally white sock also red.

there is no sign of how this injury happened.

sometimes training for a marathon is dangerous.

nineteen.

2010-08-11T00:00:00.000-07:00

you are my human form of Zoloft.

happy birthday D.

recent revelations.

2010-08-03T10:02:00.000-07:00

there are no poorly lit camera phone pictures of food for this. just sweet and simple aspects of life that make me inextricably happy.

-drinking stale, year-old beer with two friends. giggling over things that probably aren't that funny. making pacts to never drink alone. making pacts that when we are alone, we will come to each other, always.

-foreign films, faking accents, and falling asleep in beds together.

-the security of home. the automatic best friendships that occur with siblings.

-scones and green tea. early mornings with lots of fog.

-girl crush on Angelina Jolie. pretending that i know her and that i will be exactly like her character in Salt.

-planning birthday parties. surprises, cake.

-long walks and late night talks.

-economics. reading economics, learning economics, i might be the only person who really enjoys economics.

-not too distant future plans: marathon, tattoo, london, boston.

going to the country, gonna eat a lot of peaches.

2010-07-31T22:54:00.000-07:00

oh hello peach blueberry cobbler!

I spent a quiet evening in the kitchen with Bob Dylan, my stove and the juiciest, most delicious peaches from the Redlands farmers market. Of course I had no choice but to add blueberries and create a cobbler out of these.

Recipe with modifications:

For the fruit portion

- about 4 c. peaches (whatever that means, I sliced 4 large peaches into 16ths but used about 40 slices) pitted and sliced*

- 2 c. blueberries (I used frozen berries from Trader Joe's to save on costs and because they're freaking amazing)

-1/3 c. packed dark brown sugar

-2 tablespoons flour (I used whole wheat)

-2 tablespoons lemon juice (I forgot to add this, it's not necessary but will help ease the sweetness if you prefer a more tart taste)

-1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon

-1/4 teaspoon salt

For the biscuit crust

-3/4 c. flour (again, whole wheat if you prefer)

-1/4 c. corn meal, yellow or white (I used yellow)**

-3 tablespoons dark brown sugar

-1 1/2 teaspoon baking powder

-1/4 teaspoon salt

-3 tablespoons cold unsalted butter, cut into pieces for easy mixing

-1/2 c. buttermilk (I used soymilk because I had it)

Preheat oven to 425F. Arrange a layer of peaches with a cup of blueberries at the bottom of a 2-quart ovenproof dish or pan. Toss in the sugar, flour, lemon, cinnamon and salt. Add another layer of peaches and the other cup of berries.

Form the crust by mixing the flour, cornmeal, sugar, baking powder and salt. Toss in the butter and use a fork or pastry blend to get it chunky. Add the milk to form a tough that's sticky and thick.

Drop spoonfuls of the dough on top of the fruit filling. Do it haphazardly, it looks so much better when it's organic and not too smoothed out. The dough doesn't need to completely cover the fruit either. Bake for 20-25 mins (mine was about 17 mins though, oven variation). The crust should be golden-brown and the fruit juices should be bubbly. Let it cool and scoop into a bowl. Top with whip cream, vanilla bean ice cream, or sorbet! (You can even have it for breakfast with greek yogurt, cottage cheese or plain yogurt) Viola!

*You can peel the peaches to avoid that weird skin crust. Just cut an X on the bottom, dip the peach in boiling water for 30 seconds and the skins will slide off.

**To transform this into more of a cake, use a cornbread mix or even a yellow cake or angel food cake mix. Wanna be sinful? Brownie mix!

This recipe was an experiment and that's why it's so awesome. It's versatile and can fit any occasion or taste you're going for. This one is a traditional peach cobbler but I've also made a crust with half granola, half biscuit crust for added crunch.

"i work long time, 4-hour, so tired."

2010-07-25T12:00:00.000-07:00

Another day (in a row!) spent in the city with three of my favorite people. We started early (9am, after a night of three hours of sleep. ooowee!) and walked miles upon miles from Union Square to the piers for delicious tomato soup, then to Gihardelli Square for delicious chocolate and coffee, through Little Italy and almost China Town and back to Union Square again. We fail at bargaining but managed to save two whole dollars on a ring for me and hats for Mike and Erin. Just about collapsed of exhaustion on the BART home but when D rings for party crashing later that night, do I opt out and sleep? Of course not.

sexy train station.

2010-07-23T12:10:00.000-07:00

I wasn't aware of S's fondness for train stations..."What? Well, I guess that train station is sexy..." Turns out if was a joke from junior year of high school. Good to know I'm still as sharp as a butter knife.

We walked the route we will be running for our half-marathon in October and ate dinner as well. Lovely evening out in a city I love with a roommate/friend I love.

the cruz.

2010-07-19T11:52:00.000-07:00

weekend in santa cruz: traffic, heat, overheated car, heater, 99 cent store parking lot, overheated car, phone calls to male friends, all women should know about cars, Peet's, SC finally, this (above) little cutie, thai food, party, mixed drinks, we shouldn't kiss we're friends, opps oh well, should we again?, dance, okay kiss, sleep, early walk, coffee, grocery shopping, cupcakes, water for car, berkeley, overheated car, fuck you car.

my life, as a sitcom.

2010-07-18T09:05:00.000-07:00

*disclaimer: i'll begin by saying that i in no way intend to be offensive, though it's really really hard to be PC in this one.

so after my marina run, friday continued to be awesome and after a brief social interaction with a friend, i spent most of the day reading in willard park where i ended up falling asleep and waking up significantly darker. i ate a delicious meal and then wandered down to a nail spa for a pedicure. afterwards i went to memorial glade to read more when the following event transpired.

*mentally challenged guy in a motorized wheel chair rolls up: hi, can i talk to you?

me, removing sunglasses and looking up from book: um, yeah sure. how are you?

guy: good. what's your name? can i ask you something?

me: aubrey, of course. are you okay?

guy (whispering): yes. can i shake your hand?

me: oh, okay.

guy, rolls closer and extends hand

me, shakes his left hand awkwardly with my right, reluctantly.

guy (still whispering): can i ask you something?

me (sort of annoyed): what?? i can't hear you.

guy (still whispering): can we be friends?

me: sure... (out of reluctance again, i put sunglasses back on & begin fumbling with my phone like i have someone to talk to)

guy (still whispering): can i tell you something?

me (more annoyed, thinking of an escape plan): uhh, i still can't hear you....

guy (reg. voice): can i tell you something?

me: yes.

guy (whispering): my friend died

this is when he begins to cry, FAKELY

me: oh, i'm really sorry to hear that.

guy (whispering again, fucking hell): can i ask you something?

me: I CAN'T HEAR YOU, YOU NEED TO SPEAK UP.

guy (rolls his moto-chair closer): will you be my girlfriend?

WTF, terrified at this point, me: i..i..i'm really busy. (i go back to reading)

guy, tells me more stupid things while i continue to ignore him, then after a few minutes: well, bye.

i watch him roll away and try to talk to other people who mostly ignore him. then all of the sudden, he rolls back my way! (as seen in picture, behind the tree) this is when i make a dick move by quickly gathering my belongings and making a mad dash far far away from the grass area. crisis averted, though this goes down as the only action i've received all summer.**

** not really, but the most long-lasting...? most significant...? but seriously, why me god? i started going to church again last week in case you didn't notice.

fridays are the new saturdays.

2010-07-16T20:53:00.000-07:00

Time: 6 am

Place: Berkeley Marina

I've completely embraced my three-day weekends. After four busy weekdays I am exhausted come Friday (actually Thursday night). But today I got up at 5:30 am and took a nice little run to the marina. 12-miles total.

Note to self: Dressing promiscuous and running will cause creepy men to stare. no. matter. what.

what my summer life has been in five words or less.

2010-07-09T12:58:00.000-07:00

1. books

2. yoga

3. walking

4. calculus

true life: we went to high school with landon donovan.

2010-06-26T23:52:00.000-07:00

Sort of. Not really. We ran to a Saul's for breakfast and to watch the U.S. vs Ghana game. The spirited environment made me almost believe I was a true soccer fan and not just in it for the food and hot soccer man bods.

with special guest, Aubro.

2010-06-21T07:02:00.000-07:00

(aka, the moment my brodom was officially recognized.)

I've spent a great majority of this past week in a car with Best Friend. We shoved as much as we could into Ladybird last Thursday and basically made a midnight drive to move to Berkeley. Along the way we got super bored and super tired and thanks to some glow sticks found in my car and various top 40 radio stations, we created a mobile dance party complete with Redbull and peanut butter sandwiches we packed in my pink ice chest.

After a day of recovery (seriously, I almost lost my wits on that night drive) we packed up again and drove down to Santa Barbara to meet a fellow newsie at Live Oak Music Festival. A three hour drive turned into five due to some poor mapquesting skills and then the next 26-hours were spent stumbling around this hippie shanty down. The pinnacle of the weekend occurred while in a tree in which I mentioned how we looked like we could be posing for a boy band CD cover. "We'll call our band Aubro, after you Aub." And though I've always somewhat joked about my bro-ness this was the first time it was officially accepted. I'm proud. After eating enough Poptarts and drinking enough Miller Light to last a century (and you wonder how I could not be bro) and eventually feeling like shit and being completely filthy, we made the long ride back to Berk.

And so here I am: continuing to fulfill my gender role by cooking for D every night and constantly singing Katy Perry's ridiculously annoying new song, which by the way, D has mastered Snoop Dogg's verses.

oh hey 12-mile hike.

2010-06-15T16:46:00.000-07:00

that time i woke up in a tent with my best friends and was still the same person i was yesterday of last year.

2010-06-10T23:17:00.000-07:00

It was really quite weird to be expecting to feel any different once the clock struck midnight. Like a new phase of my life would suddenly begin though it had been existing eleven months prior to that. But I was so scared and I could have never told D that he was the only person I wanted with me while it happened. But it made me wonder if five, ten years from now we'd still be in the same position. We were three years before this and then now. I used the word 'cyclical' in that way where all my best vocabulary comes out when I'm high and D's confused but really it's pretty trite and used in econ all the time. Anyway, three years ago we were in the same position: park, my car, late night; hoping that our then-lovers would never leave because then we'd have no text messages (really). And now us as older young adults prank calling our enemies and analyzing every detail of our lives thus far. Would this be us in five years? The lyric "I still hang with my high school friends, some people never change at all, we're still the same compulsive drunks we were when we were small" was on repeat. Ideally we imagined her coming out of a divorce with three kids and him being terminally alone and depressed. And though we would probably be poor and probably drunk or high we'd still be best friends and therefore all right. Then it was after midnight, that ominous time line I'd been afraid of crossing all week. Nothing is relative and that whole game of playing "this time last year we were (insert some stupidly cute couple's activity)" wouldn't work anymore. Instead, it was "this time last year I was drunk and sobbing on D's lap, telling him I was sad and him rubbing my back telling me it was okay to be sad." I grew up after that and realized that most promises are empty, rings are nothing more than pieces of metal and that maybe all I really have are these intoxicated memories with a scrawny boy in a car that always seems to be on the edge of a breakdown. And I'm completely and utterly fine with this.

baby billys.

2010-06-07T22:44:00.000-07:00

Hung out with these cuties in Oak Glen today. This was after S fell in a river and before T and I had to instruct her limb by limb on how to scale a mountain.

the other day,

2010-06-06T11:27:00.000-07:00

We feasted like kings. Home-made pizza, complete with a huge dark chocolate cupcake from Casey's and Seans's creepy eye in the background.

(you were my ship.)

2010-06-05T01:37:00.000-07:00

O ship setting out on a distant voyage,

Why don't I miss you the way other people do

After you've vanished from sight?

Because, when I don't see you, you cease to exist.

And if I feel nostalgia for what doesn't exist,

The feeling is in relationship to nothing.

It's not the ship but our own selves that we miss.

Alberto Caeiro, 29 May 1918

god bless amurica

2010-06-03T23:53:00.000-07:00

I received this shirt from an anonymous sender in the mail today.* I'm guessing it's some right-wing propaganda (complete with a number you can text to support immigration reform?) but I'm not sure what to do about it now. Wear it when I go vote next week?

*excuse my unkempt hair (i'm really embarrassed, even my hairstylist mentioned the other week that i have baby dreads underneath), oversized gym shorts (forgiving when one is on her period) and thank goodness you can't see my eyes. I look like fucking Quasimotto, what the hell is happening to my face?

who built the la la love?

2010-06-02T20:10:00.001-07:00

If there's one thing I hate, it's people who won't let me in on the freeway.

If there's one thing I hate, it's letting people in on the freeway.

If there's one thing I hate, it's waking up to fifty assholes pretending to be me.

If there's one thing I hate, it's waking up feeling like an asshole because I yelled at those assholes.

If there's one thing I hate, it's pretending to ignore the fact that the urge to kiss was right before our eyes (quite literally).

If there's one thing I hate, it's turning a bunch of ideas into a laundry list.

If there's one thing I hate, it's that feeling that comes with scratching something new.

If there's one thing I hate, it's not knowing what's wrong with someone and all you want to do is make them feel better.

If there's one thing I hate, it's knowing that my mind naturally gravitates toward the negative and not being able to stop it.

If there's one thing I hate, it's not remembering if it was a dream or if it really happened.

If there's one thing I hate, it's being really busy and using that as an excuse to ignore email.

If there's one thing I hate, it's having to acknowledge that my feelings are my own, no one else's and my responsibility.

If there's one thing I hate, it's forgetting that and taking the way I feel out on the world.

If there's one thing I hate, it's people who criticize and can't take criticism.

If there's one thing I hate, it's feeling like a date sets precedent on how I should behave.

If there's one thing I hate, it's not you.

It's me.

2010-06-02T00:28:00.000-07:00

I always intended to follow you, always.

As I walked back toward my seventeen fresh epiphanies of guilt and heartache, muttering demands to my ears.

"I must not run from the mirror resting on the wall in front of me."

My reflection is horror. The skin beneath my eyes screams. Lacking as the widow's orphans, desperate as the whore who works in the same clothes and lives by the catch that is one past twenty-one.

Lacking as your future will be.

Embark, speak, hear me, oh great being! of the ocean, of all the skies.

Within the depths of your uncertainty, draped over your heart with snowflakes.

New shapes, weird texture, oh! such design. unplanned symmetry.

My casket-colored heart waits in line. My little girl eyes swim into the Atlantic of your wool shaped sleeves, moving cautiously toward those bones that display your cheeks just right.

on thinking too much.

2010-05-31T01:35:00.000-07:00

There are times when we can't help but play the what if game because really, that's what life ends up to be. What if I never met him, what if you never hung out with her, what if you never started smoking those damn cigarettes. And we can't help but think a little abstractly in these settings. It is here where we define anxiety and here where I feel myself the most nervous because you remind me it's not all black and white. We go on pretending that it's always black and white, trying to deny that our every reality isn't gray. And you make me so sad. Your beautiful thoughts and me on the cusp of tears, feeling tense in that situation where you just know that you and the other person are just about to kiss. I laugh so hard at this, the contradiction we are with our chapstick and gum. We stare out at what we're calling the fifth dimension, the linear time line, the near cataclysmic disturbance that can happen at any moment because we know that there is no system, the universe is indifferent and beyond the facade we're both so brilliant at upholding the truth is, it's not based on philosophy or our theories or the paths we didn't take in life; we're both just fucking scared of getting old.

po po shut us down.

2010-05-24T17:30:00.000-07:00

some days are just shit. and you care too much despite wholly knowing that you will only be disappointed in the end. the music you listen to is generally sad and even more so when you realize every lyric to every song relates to your current state of being completely pathetic. and maybe you feel like you wasted two and half years of your life, like not only feel but realize you really really wasted them and to what avail? TO FEEL LIKE SHIT.

but then, and to quote the always truthful jenny lewis, you find your silver-lining.

thank you, ivy wisner. you are my silver-lining today and saved me from crying in public and left me laughing til my sides ached.

love you butch.

best friends, juxtaposed.

2010-05-23T01:47:00.000-07:00

"I'll be at your house in five minutes" means "I won't even leave mine for ten (at the minimum)."

Adventuring means ending up at the same park we've gone to for four years.

"Remember that text I sent you when we were both drunk?" means "Clarify what text and which time."

A fresh box of cigarettes that will presumably be chain smoked means one of us better have a lighter.

"Pre-(insert boyfriend/girlfriend's name) or post-(insert boyfriend/girlfriend's name)" means we've been friends longer than the length of all our respective relationships combined.

Coffee outings mean that the baristas already know our names and drinks.

"Let me catch you up on my life" means "Let me tell you about my most recent failed love venture."

Summer means that we'll see each other tomorrow and every day after.

aubrey logic

2010-05-21T11:02:00.000-07:00

I always seem to come up with some elaborate scheme when asking my parents permission/advice/financial support on something. When I was twelve I told my dad this was my "quirky charm," now it's probably just manipulation or as it's recently been referred to as, a form of Aubrey Logic.

Last summer when I wanted to take a Woodstock-like adventure with a group of stoner boys the conversation went as so: "So we (one of three stoner boys was present to lessen the chance of mom saying no) have an offer you can't refuse."

This time around I'm thinking: "So I'm twenty and though I sometimes live in your house, how much control do you really have over me?"

Wish me luck.

that one time i wrote a brilliant philosophy essay based on an episode of rugrats and only three minutes of studying.

2010-05-18T12:03:00.000-07:00

So I'll be the first to admit that I absolutely hate philosophy or "Phil" as I refer to him as. I mean, really, philosophy wouldn't be around if it weren't for a bunch of idiotic white men with nothing better to do with their time than to come up with lame theories on how I'm not a human being or am secretly attracted to my father (hence the appropriate pronoun). But anyway, I guess my hatred for Phil stems from both the fact that I don't really understand the subject but also, I don't even want to understand the subject.
So there I am every Tuesday at 8 freaking a.m. in discussion with my TA whom absolutely hates me and a bunch of eggheads whom are more than likely taking this class in their spare time. And you know how teachers will give a student a pseudo-pensive "hm...okay" if a student doesn't answer a question correctly or if they are not satisfied with said student's response? Well TA does that to me after EVERYTHING I say. And participation for this class is twenty percent of our overall grade so I have no choice but to make up some bullshit solely to not fail this course. (But realistically, the probability of at least one of my answers being correct can't be zero, which is why I'm completely certain TA hates me.) Meanwhile, Trevor* will follow up my lackluster answer with something insightful, leaving TA and the rest of the class believing that every word that falls from Trevor's mouth is gold, and maybe it is--Trevor's nothing short of brilliant but he's also one of the most attractive men I've ever come into contact with which must count for something. So there's TA at the front of the classroom applauding Trevor, writing what he said on the board and basically telling Trevor to bend over right there so TA can kiss his ass.
Though admittedly I should probably not be so apathetic and make more wise choices but when S is home and there's coffee to drink and havoc to be wrought, of course I'm going to chose that rather than study for the next day's midterm. S and I both agreed that Phil is DUMB and I should just write DUMB for every answer on the midterm. But you see, I may do what I want when I want but that doesn't mean I don't feel guilty for doing so (and I really do care a lot about doing well in school). So I got home around midnight and logged into Youtube, typed Kant in the search box and stumbled upon the most brilliant and lifesaving three-minute video ever. It was like everything Trevor ever regurgitated so eloquently was compiled into a short, Microsoft Paint-made video with some weird voice explaining what I taught myself to hate. And so this was all the studying I needed.
I went into midterm feeling pretty confident having remembered everything that video taught me. I breezed through the key terms and short answers section and finally got to the essay portion where we were to pick one of three essay choices. I chose the second because it related to all the examples of the three-minute video but also...to an episode of Rugrats?

For some reason I will never forget this episode where Chuckie commits some moral wrong and is guilty and keeps repeating "If a promise you can't keep, it will haunt you in your sleep and as you lie beneath your quilt, you will feel a conscience full of guilt." I was probably about seven when I saw that episode but that silly rhyme has stuck with me ever since. Combined with my Catholic guilt and this is what I think has prevented me from lying throughout my life (well, at least reducing the amount I lie...or at least feeling guilty about the amount I lie). And so I was super stoked to finally be able to use Rugrats in a practical situation and I wrote this awesome essay about Chuckie and how he embodies Kantian philosophy and I'm 99.9% certain I aced this midterm.
So in conclusion, you know how people can "like" really stupid situations on Fbook these days? Well, if I could I would like "that one time I wrote a brilliant philosophy essay based on an episode of Rugrats and three minutes of studying."
Anyway, now I'm gonna go subjectify my body and sell my soul for the sake of science and a hundred bucks!

*Name has been changed to protect the innocent and maintain my secret crush.

save some face, you've only got one.

2010-05-16T11:21:00.000-07:00

Favorite lines from last night:

"When we get home we''ll Facebook stalk him so you can realize how unattractive he is."

"He's doing nothing with his life and on the path to destruction. Of course he's an Aubrey boy."

also,

"Urban dictionary the palabra chubs!"

and having a preconceived notion of what it means, at three in the morning i did just that. and i was horrified.

[p.s. there would be a picture included to illustrate the above boy in indication but when i went to sneak a pic, the flash went off super bright so i aborted mission and hid my phone as quickly as possible.]

breaking hearts and taking names.

2010-05-15T00:58:00.000-07:00

Or as Ives suggested, "I met my match and I wish you the best of luck."

And now back to the previously scheduled program of Friday evening super workouts, phone conversations with baby cousin, procrastinated news articles, 12-2 am naps and my personal favorite, eating dark chocolate alone in my bed.

and let's face it, no self-respecting man reads Twilight.

if life is really as short as they say, then why are the nights so long?

2010-05-14T04:47:00.000-07:00

1. Childlike notes under my bed, I unravel and read all old promises;

most are broken and rusted and gone, what is forever, anyway?

Maybe we have already lived a forever and a half,

you and I, made of old hearts and young minds.

‘Love’ was never so overused; it was kept safe and protected,

Like a tiny bird in a golden cage; our hearts stayed within our ribs;

our fragile chests with no lock or key.

I did not know that I loved, but I did, oh and how so;

the color yellow, the middle swing, the sound of cars on lonely days-

Their effects on me are ghostly now; provoking only a faint blush of my heart.

but more important than all of these things?

The knowledge that we were happy and will be again, soon enough.

2. Memories do not scare me anymore, you see--

I’ve learned to remember without the fear of bittersweet nostalgia overwhelming my all.

They are not to be forgotten, and they are not to hurt;

they are placid and peaceful now.

The shadows are not so dangerous nor the nights so troublesome.

Insomnia is no longer scary for these secrets no longer consume me;

I wrap them up in sheets of opaque paper,

I tie bows of silk ribbons upon these ghosts.

The monsters under my bed are not harmless, you see,

but they rip me to shreds no longer.

My loneliness these nights may still be long-lived

but tell me, whose isn’t?

And it’s a strange thing to be able to organize folders I’ve been meaning to for months, to unfold pieces of paper that were once so cherished and 4’6” still shots that are no longer meaningful but are simply the blend of a boy, a girl, and colors as faded as the promises they once stood for. I see the happiness in the girl’s eyes as she clings to a boy who seems so hollow and abstract now. And I feel like I should cry--for the love, for the loss, for the fact that I always tend to be so damn dramatic. But my tears can’t reach the surface no matter how hard I strain my eyes and for the first time in a long time…no anger, bitterness, sorrow, longing.

For the first time in a long time I feel nothing. And for this, I am ecstatic.

what an almost-year of being noncommittal has taught me

2010-05-11T16:05:00.000-07:00

I don't like needy. The more you leave me alone the better. I hate strings attached. Emotionally unavailable? That's a plus. Oh and if you have a girlfriend that's even better. I like texting but I don't want to have a continuous twelve-hour text dialog with you. Though I appreciate and enjoy the kind gesture, I don't want to be treated like a princess or placed on a pedestal. I'd rather that energy be put into a collective effort of training for a marathon together or volunteering at a soup kitchen (which, if a boy ever suggested any of those two activities, I would automatically be in love with him for life). I like pretty clothes and my nails are always painted but I'm not afraid to get dirty. Paying for my own burrito at dinner turns me on, as does driving my own car and not being chauffeured everywhere.

This knowledge, these preferences have been gained through experience with four males in particular. And yes, it's occurred simultaneously but unlike one of my best friends, I had no intention of "committing" in 2010. I hoped that singledom, or my liberation, so to speak, after three years of being dedicated would allow me to discover myself and whatever else those self-help books teach one about love, loss and moving on. I wanted to explore new activities, new people, redefine what is important in my life (yeah, I admit I read those self-help books). So this is what I've discovered.

I've currently reunited with a boy who six months ago hated my guts (for trivial reasons) and never wanted to speak to me again (though we spoke though friends of friends?). We click because we share mutual fondness for Mario Kart, daytime drinking, Panera, music and books. He smokes enough to either support Marlboro single handedly or spread lung cancer to an entire African village (take your pick) and has humor dry enough to leave my skin itchy and cracking for days (he also appreciates my lame puns and analogies). Bottom line: he's badass and treats me like relative shit.

I've been talking to another guy who either has no friends, has no life, or is completely in love with me though we met just a month ago. He is needy in every sense of the term and treats me like his personal Twitter account with updates on his meal choices and what he learned in class, complete with good night/morning texts EVERY SINGLE DAY (curse unlimited texting plans). He's sweet, funny and charming but my god dude, I also have homework, friends, attend social functions, talk to my mom, and eat food...every day. You do too? That's so cool.

There's another guy who, if possible, would give me the world. He comes up with the most far-fetched, yet amazing date ideas that I'm sort of a bitch to complain. He insists on driving an hour to see me and won't let me pay for anything (even if I'm playing the fake reaching for my wallet situation). When I was a budding feminist in eighth grade, and how this contradiction functions I'll never know, all I wanted in a boyfriend was a guy who would open doors for me, pay for my meals, etc. yet I believed in and supported the solidarity of womanhood by hanging a poster of Rosie the Riveter and defending Hillary Clinton's pantsuits. The somewhat wiser and more educated fourteenth grade me still believes in these ideals (to an extent) but for some reason I find this knight in shining armor's chivalry completely obnoxious.

The fourth gentleman in this situation falls under the unavailability phenomenon. There was a strong attraction upon first meeting him and when I learned that he was in a relationship, I was even more determined. Determined in what, one asks? I'm not really sure. Flirting? Breaking up his relationship? Whatever the case, (here's where Ives would refer to Aubrey Logic/Aubrey Games) I devoted the first three months of my life at a new university to hanging out with him whenever possible, taking up his free time and reveling in the fact that he would never be mine. Granted, he and Her (the other woman is always referred to as "Her") didn't work out. When this happened I generally lost interest. I pretended to comfort him on an In-n-Out run at one in the morning but I wasn't really feeling sorry for him, I was more pissed off that he was no longer my unattainable token. Since then, we've remained friends and see each other frequently. I called him one night last week to see if he'd like to see a movie but he denied. He's preparing for the MCATs. So the new woman is MCAT? I'm in, let the games begin.

So by now I probably seem like a selfish psychotic bitch. That's arguable but I remain firm in my half-joking motto of "too young for morals." I'm twenty now; I've entered what they call the 20s, a decade of celebrated one-night stands, drunken bar fests, and complete self denial of the fact that once one enters her 30s she's officially old and better have her shit together, get married, pop out a couple youngins, and exercise eight hours a day so her sugar daddy won't leave her for a twenty-something. And I guess the point of this really is a narcissistic, completely absurd shout out to my future lover saying, please ditch me every now and then for your friends, acknowledge my ability to drive a car and pay for a meal, respect my sense and love for freedom but don't take it as me not needing you, indulge my bro tendencies but also know that I'm kind of archaic and would love nothing more than to throw an apron on and bake for you and that my ideal routine activity involves picnics at the park and reading you passages from The Sun Also Rises.
Furthermore, I'm enjoying myself, my life and gaining experience that reinforces my promise of never marrying. Of course sometimes I get lonely and want that male counterpart to wake up with in the morning but I have Best Friend to get drunk with/get high with/take aimless drives with/eat with/study with/be a weirdo with or whatever else I'm missing. And if he happens to ditch me for another friend (god willing) I know I have like five other bests, the Parisians, who have and will cheer me up.

a list of "things" i like more than the average person.

2010-05-02T21:16:00.000-07:00

list compiled while on a bus to and from san diego with a gaggle of environmentalists between bursts of eating dark chocolate-covered pomegranate seeds, reading Marx's commie manifesto, and sleeping off a hangover (okay, so i kind of spent this entire weekend drunk and/or hungover but really, no matter how academic a college student conference may seem, there are always festivities afterward)

1. mundane hygiene activities, most specifically eyebrow tweezing, teeth flossing, pumice stoning my skin.

2. taking vitamins. i'm up to six daily right now, all serving individual purposes.
3. getting really ridiculously sweaty. (gym-wise, of course)
4. making my steps match the beats to music when walking to class.
5. Target.
6. pretending that i hang out with Shaun White and photoshopping myself everywhere with him.
7. coffee.
8. peanut butter and apples.
9. Fellini
10. lazying at parks.
(11. and now composting)

oh p.s. SD is beautiful this time of year.

young and alone.

2010-04-28T23:57:00.000-07:00

So I recently received arguably the best phone call of my entire life. I'll set the mood. It's more or less midnight, I'm more or less naked (this is irrelevant) in my bubble bath reading The Economist and drinking wine (true story). In case of emergency (ie, I drunkenly slip underneath the water and begin to drown), I have the phone with me in the bathroom. On the off chance that I have a friend, the phone rings. It's S and he begins to tell me about the best worst date he's ever had. I'm dying of laughter, wine is spilling, The Economist is wet. After what seems like ten minutes of laughing I compose myself. Shit, what if he's offended I laughed for so long? Nope, he's still laughing as well. Nevertheless, we say our goodbyes.

Five minutes later he send this text or something similar to it: "Tonight is a tribute to you and all of my single friends. May we embrace our loneliness and revel in the god awfully amazingly horrible nights like this that happen on occasion."

brother sport.

2010-04-25T23:29:00.000-07:00

Brother and I have developed this odd game where we run for treats. Literally, we run to go get treats. The rules include; the establishment of choice has to be at least two miles from our house and we have to at least run the way there. I'm down for any time of physical activity and we're both in love with anything sugar laden so it works. So far we've hit up Dairy Queen, 7-11, Panera, and Coffee Bean. And treats and sentimental moments aside, it's so refreshing to talk (mostly about tattoos, we're bros obviously) and get to spend time together before we both go our separate ways with our separate friends for the night. On most of the trips we've encountered friends who offer us rides home. Most people don't understand running/walking for recreation. Besides, we just ate cookies the circumference of my head/20 ounces of sugar ice/a half gallon of ice cream, we need this walk.

dear sir or madam:

2010-04-21T11:54:00.000-07:00

this is in regards to my most recent let down. and this is in regards to me sounding as if the world's job is to keep me happy. it's not, i know. i lost that sense of entitlement at an early age. momma, driving the car, telling me that the world owes me nothing, no one owes me anything and if they do i should not have been in that situation in the first place. (mom was never really into that fairytale bullshit)

i forgot this once when i believed a boy would owe me his heart forever. but i got over that too when i realized you can't expect to get if you don't give. so i gave. boy, did i give!

but this isn't about sexuality and this isn't about one's interpretation of riding in cars with boys.

this is about karma and feeling like maybe just once something could work in my favor. but i have this attitude where i'm not feeling like lending my talents anymore. under appreciation, little compensation, que sera sera. so i'll act like it's not my concern and say i'm busy everyday this week. yeah, midterms. and reading? damn, there's so much of that. and i'll walk away feeling like i own the place. i will show you!

mom said the world owes me nothing but she never said i couldn't hold my head up like it did.